please please please critique mine *

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ck3ku
Posts: 20
Joined: Thu Jul 22, 2010 11:22 pm

please please please critique mine *

Postby ck3ku » Mon Sep 06, 2010 11:00 pm

*
Last edited by ck3ku on Wed Oct 20, 2010 2:18 am, edited 1 time in total.

CanadianWolf
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Joined: Wed Mar 24, 2010 4:54 pm

Re: please please please critique mine *

Postby CanadianWolf » Mon Sep 06, 2010 11:05 pm

Terrible. Consider deleting the third paragraph, then delete the rest. I read this essay twice & my impression both times was that this writing is better suited for one applying to a private boarding school for grade nine then for an application to an intellectually demanding graduate school.

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ShuckingNotJiving
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Re: please please please critique mine *

Postby ShuckingNotJiving » Mon Sep 06, 2010 11:17 pm

With the asterisk, I was expecting a footnote. Let down.

ck3ku wrote:“Women are the source of all problems. If you look back in history, it is clearly evident.” Good opening sentence.This is one of the pet peeves of my otherwise loving, benevolent and wise father. This sentence kills the quality of the preceding one. A quote cannot be a "pet peeve of your father." What you're saying isn't clear at all. Maybe: "this quote exemplifies the reason my father and I never quite saw eye to eye. The root of my father’s beliefs are cultural rather than misogynistic; the world he grew up in was largely patriarchal with clearly defined roles of each sex in society and that world, though gone, has left its legacies behind. Huh?For instance, it is illegal for doctors to notify the parents the sex of their unborn child in the Republic of Korea because the abortion rate would dramatically increase. As a result, my brother was on the brink of termination due to the ambiguous response of the gynecologist regarding the gender of the fetus. However, as soon as my brother was brought into the world, my father called all his friends to brag about his newborn son.
Nevertheless my father never showed injustice injustice isn't something you can show but rather it was due to his guidance and support that I am the person I have become. With that said, I would be lying if I said that I was not affected by the attitude of not just those in my immediate family but the culture and society I was raised in. As I reminisce about my childhood, I recall growing up with cohorts of my sexwhy don't you just say "other girls?" all wanting to be, or truly convinced that they were, princesses. In contrast, I did not see the appeal of being a princessthough I indulged in every shade of the color pink. In my opinion, princesses led dull lives, doing nothing of real importance—always the one to be saved and living happily ever after while a man took care of them. Instead I found my calling in queens and empresses, for they defied all expectations, fought battles, conquered territory and overturned the system of patriarchy. They were defiant, astute, captivating and intrepid. To this day, my love of queens in history persists.
Among the historical figures I admire, Queen Seondeok of the Silla dynasty is my favorite without a doubt. She was the first woman ever to assume the throne on the Korean peninsula and faced many hardships as a result. Though she was a benign ruler and worked to relieve the poor and the disadvantaged, the country faced natural disasters and an invasion in just a year after she became queen. While nature took its course and the disasters ceased, the nation faced a two front war against Baekche and Goguryo on both sides. Despite her efforts to maintain good relations with the Chinese emperor, the king remarked that it was due to the fact that her subjects owed allegiance to a woman that Silla faced such turbulence. However, Seondeok overcame such bias, received recognition as the official sovereign from the emperor, and even aided the Chinese when it became under attack by Goguryo. Under her rule, Silla flourished in the arts and architecture, especially that of Buddhist temples and statues. During bad harvest seasons, she consoled her people with gifts and provided relief through tax cuts. In just fifteen years on the throne, she protected her territory through endless battles while patronizing the arts and proving herself to not just her own people but surrounding nations and their kings as well. It would be better if you just listed a few of the Queens you admire here, with a brief sentence of their signature achievements that connect to your theme. Then, I would spend the next paragraph explaining wth this has to do with your father.

The way I see it, law is imperfect, as are humans and the rest of the world. Yet, it is in constant motion, ever-changing for the refinement of its applications while its principles remain deeply rooted at its core. This is where my fascination with law emerges, you have nothing in the essay that supports this fascination with that which is imperfectfor law works toward perfection when the goal seems impossible to attain. Despite all odds, justice triumphs with groundbreaking results and every victory becomes a new chapter in history, as do queens. I wish to follow the example of Queen Seondeok by advocating for gender equality, justice and civil rights. Through law, I aspire to make a difference in the world by dissolving preconceived notions that women are inferior to men while never forgetting my prerogatives.


There isn't much about you here. You start with your father, then Queen Seondeok. There are, to be sure, some decent details here. They're just minimized by the often-awkward word or phrase. Honestly, I think the exploration of your father's misogyny is a much stronger starting and ending point than the (painstakingly long) paragraph on the Queen.

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blackwater88
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Joined: Tue Feb 09, 2010 1:40 pm

Re: please please please critique mine *

Postby blackwater88 » Mon Sep 06, 2010 11:21 pm

CanadianWolf wrote:Terrible. Consider deleting the third paragraph, then delete the rest. I read this essay twice & my impression both times was that this writing is better suited for one applying to a private boarding school for grade nine then for an application to an intellectually demanding graduate school.


Your misuse of "then" gives me a similar impression. You don't have to be an asshole to give a good critique.

OP: I have to say I didn't like it either, your PS tells me a great deal about your father but very little about you. If you want to use anything that you mentioned in this draft, I would suggest you talk about your father's views and what you did to overcome his sexist stance. You can explain how hard it is to grow in a patriarchal society, how you were able to overcome that obstacle and what you learned from the experience. You can also talk about your brother and how you were able to take advantage of his mentoring.

ck3ku
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Joined: Thu Jul 22, 2010 11:22 pm

Re: please please please critique mine *

Postby ck3ku » Mon Sep 06, 2010 11:39 pm

I guess I'll rewrite one. Thanks for the honest criticism (:

CanadianWolf
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Re: please please please critique mine *

Postby CanadianWolf » Mon Sep 06, 2010 11:58 pm

Sorry, I wasn't trying to be impolite, but this essay isn't worth saving, in my opinion.




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