PS First Draft - Comments/Critiques Appreciated

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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spaceman82
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PS First Draft - Comments/Critiques Appreciated

Postby spaceman82 » Mon Sep 06, 2010 2:37 am

deleted
Last edited by spaceman82 on Wed Sep 15, 2010 3:57 am, edited 1 time in total.

cartercl
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Re: PS First Draft - Comments/Critiques Appreciated

Postby cartercl » Mon Sep 06, 2010 3:30 am

I think this is solid. Actually, I think this is gold. You come across as very likable in this PS and I find myself wanting to sit down and have coffee with you just to find out more about your experiences. You say so much about yourself without actually saying it, and it's all good. I don't really see any gimmicks or cliches (but perhaps someone else will) so I think you're fine in that department. Overall, this is a very strong PS.

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s0ph1e2007
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Re: PS First Draft - Comments/Critiques Appreciated

Postby s0ph1e2007 » Mon Sep 06, 2010 3:42 am

cartercl wrote:I think this is solid. Actually, I think this is gold. You come across as very likable in this PS and I find myself wanting to sit down and have coffee with you just to find out more about your experiences. You say so much about yourself without actually saying it, and it's all good. I don't really see any gimmicks or cliches (but perhaps someone else will) so I think you're fine in that department. Overall, this is a very strong PS.


.......
no.
wayyyyyy too generic. you reference some really interesting things in this PS but you dont talk about them AT ALL! And it's extremely repetitive. I'll email you the track-changes version if you want.

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Adjudicator
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Re: PS First Draft - Comments/Critiques Appreciated

Postby Adjudicator » Mon Sep 06, 2010 3:51 am

I like your writing, and after reading this.... I find myself wanting to be your friend.

cartercl
Posts: 454
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Re: PS First Draft - Comments/Critiques Appreciated

Postby cartercl » Mon Sep 06, 2010 3:52 am

s0ph1e2007 wrote:
cartercl wrote:I think this is solid. Actually, I think this is gold. You come across as very likable in this PS and I find myself wanting to sit down and have coffee with you just to find out more about your experiences. You say so much about yourself without actually saying it, and it's all good. I don't really see any gimmicks or cliches (but perhaps someone else will) so I think you're fine in that department. Overall, this is a very strong PS.


.......
no.
wayyyyyy too generic. you reference some really interesting things in this PS but you dont talk about them AT ALL! And it's extremely repetitive. I'll email you the track-changes version if you want.


Please don't be a jerk when quoting me. Your opinion is your opinion. But please respect mine.

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maroonzoon
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Re: PS First Draft - Comments/Critiques Appreciated

Postby maroonzoon » Mon Sep 06, 2010 7:46 pm

Your essay floats above yourself, and you're so abstract I have no idea who you are or where you are. The fact that you can remove the country name, and add in ANY foreign country in there, is NOT a good thing.

I wouldn't use cliche phrases like "all in all," and I wouldn't use vocab words even as simple as "comport." Simpler language is better/clearer.

CanadianWolf
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Re: PS First Draft - Comments/Critiques Appreciated

Postby CanadianWolf » Mon Sep 06, 2010 7:55 pm

Not good. Your sixth paragraph (concluding paragraph) is your best, while the fourth paragraph is repetitious. You offer some obvious insights which are repeated throughout your essay. My impression is that your personal statement in its present form will not help your law school applications because it is not as well constructed as it should be & your proffered insights are similiar to those experienced by almost any tourist in a foreign culture.

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spaceman82
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Re: PS First Draft - Comments/Critiques Appreciated

Postby spaceman82 » Mon Sep 06, 2010 9:41 pm

Thanks for all of the responses, positive and negative. It seems that people either love or hate my statement, so I'm not sure exactly which direction I should go in. I agree that I need to clean up the fourth paragraph, remove "comport" and "all in all," and be more specific at times, but does the topic itself seem like something I should keep? I don't want to submit a statement that comes across as a generic travel statement obviously, but at the same time, I worry that the more interesting specifics I can go into about my time here will have a negative tone because they will be based on the situations I mention in my fifth paragraph.

Does anyone have any thoughts on this? Also, if anyone else would be willing, I'd appreciate hearing some other perspectives on my current draft since the responses so far have been such a mix of positive and negative.




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