Which sentence sounds better

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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OrdinarilySkilled
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Which sentence sounds better

Postby OrdinarilySkilled » Wed Sep 01, 2010 10:37 pm

Which of these sounds better? Or do neither make sense...

Furthermore, as it was my curiosity combined with my unfamiliarity with the type of programming that fueled the work ethic and resolve that led to my successful project, I believe my strong interest in IP law and my non-traditional background will come together to have a similar impact on my career as a law student.

Furthermore, as it was my curiosity combined with my unfamiliarity with the type of programming that led to my successful project, I believe my strong interest in IP law and my non-traditional background will come together to fuel a strong work ethic and determination during my career as a law student.

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saltoftheearth
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Re: Which sentence sounds better

Postby saltoftheearth » Wed Sep 01, 2010 10:44 pm

the latter sounds better

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Knock
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Re: Which sentence sounds better

Postby Knock » Wed Sep 01, 2010 10:45 pm

The skills that led to my successful project will also serve me well in law school. My strong interest in intellectual property law, along with my non-traditional background, will result in a profound work ethic and unbridled determination during my time in law school.

But i'd keep working on it -- both your originals seem awkward and don't make much sense (maybe because I haven't read the rest of your essay).

Pablo Ramirez
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Re: Which sentence sounds better

Postby Pablo Ramirez » Wed Sep 01, 2010 10:45 pm

Both terrible; second one better.

Pablo Ramirez
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Re: Which sentence sounds better

Postby Pablo Ramirez » Wed Sep 01, 2010 10:46 pm

Knockglock wrote:The skills that led to my successful project will also serve me well in law school. My strong interest in intellectual property law, along with my non-traditional background, will result in a profound work ethic and unbridled determination during my time in law school.


And this one fits right in. Equally terrible.

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saltoftheearth
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Re: Which sentence sounds better

Postby saltoftheearth » Wed Sep 01, 2010 10:47 pm

Pablo Ramirez wrote:
Knockglock wrote:The skills that led to my successful project will also serve me well in law school. My strong interest in intellectual property law, along with my non-traditional background, will result in a profound work ethic and unbridled determination during my time in law school.


And this one fits right in. Equally terrible.


do not use this word

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Knock
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Re: Which sentence sounds better

Postby Knock » Wed Sep 01, 2010 10:48 pm

saltoftheearth wrote:
Pablo Ramirez wrote:
Knockglock wrote:The skills that led to my successful project will also serve me well in law school. My strong interest in intellectual property law, along with my non-traditional background, will result in a profound work ethic and unbridled determination during my time in law school.


And this one fits right in. Equally terrible.


do not use this word


Lol, don't use my sentence -- I was just trying to play around with it and see if I could make it better.

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OrdinarilySkilled
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Re: Which sentence sounds better

Postby OrdinarilySkilled » Wed Sep 01, 2010 10:51 pm

Haha, I'm just going to go with:

I, like, worked hard and shit. I'll do it again if you want.

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Ford Prefect
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Re: Which sentence sounds better

Postby Ford Prefect » Wed Sep 01, 2010 10:54 pm

For the sake of brevity:

My work ethic and resolve led to a successful project; these, together with my strong interest in IP law and my non-traditional background, will lead to success in law school.

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2ofspades
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Re: Which sentence sounds better

Postby 2ofspades » Wed Sep 01, 2010 11:04 pm

mdallavis wrote:For the sake of brevity:

My work ethic and resolve led to a successful project; these, together with my strong interest in IP law and my non-traditional background, will lead to success in law school.

Close, but not so dry. Here:

Just as my curiosity with the programming drove me to succeed with my project, so too will my interest in intellectual property and my non-traditional background enable my success as a law student.

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Knock
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Re: Which sentence sounds better

Postby Knock » Wed Sep 01, 2010 11:05 pm

2ofspades wrote:
mdallavis wrote:For the sake of brevity:

My work ethic and resolve led to a successful project; these, together with my strong interest in IP law and my non-traditional background, will lead to success in law school.

Close, but not so dry. Here:

Just as my curiosity with the programming drove me to succeed with my project, so too will my interest in intellectual property and my non-traditional background enable my success as a law student.


I like this one.

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Ford Prefect
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Re: Which sentence sounds better

Postby Ford Prefect » Wed Sep 01, 2010 11:10 pm

Knockglock wrote:
2ofspades wrote:
mdallavis wrote:For the sake of brevity:

My work ethic and resolve led to a successful project; these, together with my strong interest in IP law and my non-traditional background, will lead to success in law school.

Close, but not so dry. Here:

Just as my curiosity with the programming drove me to succeed with my project, so too will my interest in intellectual property and my non-traditional background enable my success as a law student.


I like this one.


I agree. I just love semicolons.

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Marionberry
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Re: Which sentence sounds better

Postby Marionberry » Wed Sep 01, 2010 11:31 pm

.
Last edited by Marionberry on Fri Apr 08, 2011 4:12 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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St.Remy
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Re: Which sentence sounds better

Postby St.Remy » Wed Sep 01, 2010 11:38 pm

Marionberry wrote:"I grinds like a muhfucka."


OP should of course find a way to work this sentence into his PS as well.




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