Personal Statement Rough Draft. Please anyone review

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
crabman
Posts: 3
Joined: Wed Sep 01, 2010 6:31 pm

Personal Statement Rough Draft. Please anyone review

Postby crabman » Wed Sep 01, 2010 6:34 pm

Any help is appreciated. Please let me know!





Standing in center field, peering across the back stop of a beautiful freshly cut baseball diamond; I see hundreds of college and professional scouts. My dreams of playing at the next level have come down to this game, and I was at the command post of the outfield. I was a senior in high-school and was playing on a competitive fall baseball team. All I could think about was the time, effort and persistence I had put into training to get to where I was that day. Smack! and the only thing I see is a line drive coming straight for me. I run in, feeling my heart race faster and faster with every stride. Those few seconds of trying to make the most important play of my life where the last time that I would ever be playing the sport I love pre-surgery.
The next thing I know, I am lying on the ground and can’t move my leg. I remember thinking to myself; the only thing that I knew that would make me happy in life might be coming to an end. I pondered what will I do next? Then, the pain hit me. My knee was throbbing and my calf was burning. One week later I had complete reconstruction surgery in my right knee. Every ligament and muscle surrounding my knee was either strained or torn. The doctors said that I would miss my entire regular season as a senior in high school and for an injury of this caliber it would take at least nine months to recover before I could run again. Never once in my life have I ever done anything by the book. I always have pushed myself to the point of no return and gone against what everyone thought I couldn’t do. I rehabbed and pushed myself to the limits and never gave up and within four and a half months I was standing again in center field about to play my first baseball game as a senior in high school. I thought to myself about all that I had been through in those short months and what all has changed. I was more focused on building a name for myself through academia rather than a statue outside a baseball stadium one day.
Today as I reflect about how I am about to be the first generation in my family to graduate from college, I look at how that moment in time when I hurt my knee might have been one of the best things that has ever happened to me.
During my collegiate years, I have gone back to my high school and assisted in coaching my old team to a Florida State Championship. I love helping others, and will go out of my way to teach anyone, especially the youth. I have transformed from a being a baseball player into a mentor. My strong will, mental toughness, and ability to work with a team has gotten me to where I stand today. As I might not be the best at testing, or reading, I guarantee you that I will try the hardest to get to where I want to be. Proving people wrong is always something that has driven me in the past and I look forward to proving that in the future.
I have run across many miles in life, and the next one that I see in my path is law school. After going through a life changing event, I am emotionally and physically prepared for whatever it takes to become the attorney that I know I can be. My development from a baseball dreamer into a persistent and competitive man has made me proud, but not satisfied. With my work ethic and determination I look forward to running into and climbing over the wall called law school.

kevin261186
Posts: 113
Joined: Fri Nov 13, 2009 3:45 pm

Re: Personal Statement Rough Draft. Please anyone review

Postby kevin261186 » Wed Sep 01, 2010 6:40 pm

I thought that this was really good until the last two sentences of the penultimate paragraph then it went downhill. Do not admit that you are no good at reading and writing, this will not impress and addcomm.

crabman
Posts: 3
Joined: Wed Sep 01, 2010 6:31 pm

Re: Personal Statement Rough Draft. Please anyone review

Postby crabman » Thu Sep 02, 2010 10:30 am

Thanks a lot. I agree with you on those couple of sentences. Please keep all the harsh comments coming. My grades and LSAT score are just average so I really need a great personal statement to grab the attention of law schools.

crabman
Posts: 3
Joined: Wed Sep 01, 2010 6:31 pm

Re: Personal Statement Rough Draft. Please anyone review

Postby crabman » Wed Sep 08, 2010 1:09 pm

Anyone else want to take a stab at it please. I need all the help I can get and it will be very greatly appreciated!!!

RightEssay.com
Posts: 1
Joined: Wed Sep 08, 2010 9:50 pm

Re: Personal Statement Rough Draft. Please anyone review

Postby RightEssay.com » Wed Sep 08, 2010 11:48 pm

Hi Crabman,

I know this is your first draft, but I suggest you pay careful attention to punctuation and grammar. I noticed a quite few errors which might raise a few eyebrows if they make into the final essay.

Here are a few examples from your first paragraph:

**Standing in center field, peering across the back stop of a beautiful freshly cut baseball diamond; I see hundreds of college and professional scouts.

This sentence should not contain a semicolon because you are setting off a parenthetical element within the statement. "Standing in center field I see hundreds of college and professional scouts." Is the main statement. However, if you want to add extra information, you should do so by using commas.

"Standing in center field, peering across the back stop of a beautiful freshly cut baseball diamond, I see hundreds of college and professional scouts."


**My dreams of playing at the next level have come down to this game, and I was at the command post of the outfield.

Here you are mixing verb tenses. "Have" is a present tense verb but "was" is a past tense. I suggest you write the entire statement using the past tense since you are telling a story.

"My dreams of playing a the next level had come down to this game and I was at the command post of the outfield."


**Smack! and the only thing I see is a line drive coming straight for me.

Be careful because "and" is actually starting another sentence, but you don't have it capitalized. Actually, it's probably best to leave "and" out entirely. Also, you may want to keep your verb "see" in the past tense so that you don't keep mixing tenses.

"Smack! The only thing I saw was a line drive coming straight for me."


**Those few seconds of trying to make the most important play of my life where the last time that I would ever be playing the sport I love pre-surgery.

"Where" should be spelled "were." This is just a simple mistake, but it could potentially be embarrassing if it ended up in the final draft.


When you are ready to submit your essay, make sure you let a couple of people read it over. This is particularly true if you don't have a good grasp of grammar.

I agree with the statements left by the previous poster. Your essay's ending is its weakest part. Ideally, you like the ending to be the strongest in order to finish on a high note. My suggestion is that you rewrite this part. However, I think you have a lot of potential with this theme. It just needs a bit of polish.

I hope this helps somewhat.

-Peter

ilikebaseball
Posts: 4103
Joined: Sat Jun 28, 2014 3:04 am

Re: Personal Statement Rough Draft. Please anyone review

Postby ilikebaseball » Thu Jul 24, 2014 8:38 pm

crabman wrote:Any help is appreciated. Please let me know!





Standing in center field, peering across the back stop of a beautiful freshly cut baseball diamond; I see hundreds of college and professional scouts. My dreams of playing at the next level have come down to this game, and I was at the command post of the outfield. I was a senior in high-school and was playing on a competitive fall baseball team. All I could think about was the time, effort and persistence I had put into training to get to where I was that day. Smack! and the only thing I see is a line drive coming straight for me. I run in, feeling my heart race faster and faster with every stride. Those few seconds of trying to make the most important play of my life where the last time that I would ever be playing the sport I love pre-surgery.
The next thing I know, I am lying on the ground and can’t move my leg. I remember thinking to myself; the only thing that I knew that would make me happy in life might be coming to an end. I pondered what will I do next? Then, the pain hit me. My knee was throbbing and my calf was burning. One week later I had complete reconstruction surgery in my right knee. Every ligament and muscle surrounding my knee was either strained or torn. The doctors said that I would miss my entire regular season as a senior in high school and for an injury of this caliber it would take at least nine months to recover before I could run again. Never once in my life have I ever done anything by the book. I always have pushed myself to the point of no return and gone against what everyone thought I couldn’t do. I rehabbed and pushed myself to the limits and never gave up and within four and a half months I was standing again in center field about to play my first baseball game as a senior in high school. I thought to myself about all that I had been through in those short months and what all has changed. I was more focused on building a name for myself through academia rather than a statue outside a baseball stadium one day.
Today as I reflect about how I am about to be the first generation in my family to graduate from college, I look at how that moment in time when I hurt my knee might have been one of the best things that has ever happened to me.
During my collegiate years, I have gone back to my high school and assisted in coaching my old team to a Florida State Championship. I love helping others, and will go out of my way to teach anyone, especially the youth. I have transformed from a being a baseball player into a mentor. My strong will, mental toughness, and ability to work with a team has gotten me to where I stand today. As I might not be the best at testing, or reading, I guarantee you that I will try the hardest to get to where I want to be. Proving people wrong is always something that has driven me in the past and I look forward to proving that in the future.
I have run across many miles in life, and the next one that I see in my path is law school. After going through a life changing event, I am emotionally and physically prepared for whatever it takes to become the attorney that I know I can be. My development from a baseball dreamer into a persistent and competitive man has made me proud, but not satisfied. With my work ethic and determination I look forward to running into and climbing over the wall called law school.


Not a critique but I played college baseball as well and its cool to see a PS with the same type of format




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