Cliche? Tear it apart.

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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Intraining
Posts: 128
Joined: Wed Jan 06, 2010 4:58 pm

Cliche? Tear it apart.

Postby Intraining » Wed Sep 01, 2010 1:34 pm

The streets of Chicago were packed on a warm night in early November. The city was alive, pulsating and bubbling with energy - and it wasn’t just because of the unexpected weather. That night was November 4th, 2008 and it marked the peaceful transition of the most powerful government post in the world and hometown politician Barack Obama had been elected President of the United States. As a college junior in a Chicago private school, I recognized a monumental piece of history occurring and, swallowing my dismay that John McCain had been defeated, set out to take it in.
As I walked nearly two miles from the crowded parking garage toward the gathered masses in Grant Park, I saw firsthand what boundless ambition can do. A man like any other had inspired a nation to celebrate, and arise from its relatively apathetic political slumber. For one evening, it seemed that partisanship was put on hold. I viewed individuals of every race and creed dancing in the streets of downtown Chicago. Confetti rained from the impossibly tall buildings. There are moments which I will remember forever, and this was certainly one of them.
When I finally reached Grant Park the crowds were breathtaking. Stretched as far as the eye could see was a jubilant mass of humanity. As I watched in awe, I began to wonder just what had really conjured these people into the streets. What made these people believe in this relatively new politico? To be sure, the President-elect was a regular person. I then began to reflect upon his background – something all too familiar in the afterglow of the Presidential sprint. It struck me that this was a man who, according to the story, one day awoke and set to mould his life into something exceptional. Politics completely aside, I was struck by an embodiment of the American dream addressing the crowds. It was here on that abnormally warm November night that I began to contemplate what accomplishments I wanted to pursue, and how I could achieve them.
In the following months, my life began to change dramatically. Academic achievement became a point of emphasis, I took pride in things outside of my position of the college football team and I began to follow politics. It did not happen overnight; but through a period of time, I began to comprehend that diligent application of the talents I have been given would almost certainly guarantee results I would have previously feared contemplating. As I began to accrue more academic success, school became easier. As school became easier I my enjoyment multiplied. With each step forward, my confidence grew.
While my grades were improving, I began to desire more from outside of the classroom as well. My attention began to shift, along with my priorities. Entering undergraduate studies I sought little more than to play four years of college football; and while my time as a safety and cornerback on the Benedictine University football team was a lasting experience, it felt hollow to some degree. To remedy this, I looked to the immediate community for fulfillment. It seemed that almost immediately I found myself in other extra-curricular ventures. In an instant I was attending pre-law meetings, volunteering Le Bonheur Children’s Hospital, and acting as the President of the Student Athletic Advisory Committee (SAAC).
Looking back, what I sought was a tangible result – something that would impact and contribute to society. This is what I saw on that November night in Chicago – a man who had impacted the world simply by having the courage to strive for much more. This has been the approach which has shaped my worldview going forward. Through this lens, law school represents the next logical jump in terms of my ability to add to the surrounding community. I do not currently know exactly which type of law I seek to practice, but whichever avenue I ultimately pursue will undoubtedly be selected in order to make the world a better place.
Generations of Americans come and go, all vowing to make their marks’ on the world with varying degrees of success. It is the ambition of others that have come before that drives me. It seems extremely abstract, but even the smallest thing can set off an unseen chain reaction. In the future, if I am given an opportunity to impact society I know that my desire for achievement along with law school success will allow me to change the world – one small piece at a time.

User avatar
Intraining
Posts: 128
Joined: Wed Jan 06, 2010 4:58 pm

Re: Cliche? Tear it apart.

Postby Intraining » Wed Sep 01, 2010 2:00 pm

I'll also swap for someone else's

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12AngryMen
Posts: 58
Joined: Fri Jul 23, 2010 10:25 am

Re: Cliche? Tear it apart.

Postby 12AngryMen » Wed Sep 01, 2010 2:01 pm

One word, Inspirational what a black man can do for another man. Place your stamp on it its ready to go.

User avatar
Intraining
Posts: 128
Joined: Wed Jan 06, 2010 4:58 pm

Re: Cliche? Tear it apart.

Postby Intraining » Tue Sep 07, 2010 9:31 am

Bump

Edited, but still raw. Anyone's advice would be appreciated.

The streets of Chicago were packed on a warm night in early November. The city was alive, pulsating and bubbling with energy - and it wasn’t just because of the unseasonably warm weather. That night was November 4th, 2008 and it marked the peaceful transition of the most powerful government post in the world. Hometown politician Barack Obama had been elected President of the United States. As a college junior in a Chicago private school, I recognized a monumental piece of history occurring and, swallowing my dismay that John McCain had been defeated, set out to take it in.
As I walked nearly two miles from the crowded parking garage toward the gathered masses in Grant Park, I saw firsthand what boundless ambition can accomplish. A man like any other had inspired a nation to celebrate and arise from its relatively apathetic political slumber. For one evening, it seemed that partisanship was put on hold as people of every race and creed danced in the streets of downtown Chicago. Confetti rained from the impossibly tall buildings. There are moments which I will remember forever, and this was certainly one of them.
When I finally reached the designated area, the sight of the crowd was breathtaking. Stretched as far as the eye could see was a jubilant mass of humanity. As I watched in awe, I began to wonder just what had really conjured these people into the streets. What made these people believe in this relatively new politico? I then began to reflect upon his background – something all too familiar in the afterglow of the Presidential sprint. It struck me that this was a man who, according to the story, one day awoke and set to mould his life into something exceptional. Politics completely aside, I was struck by an embodiment of the American dream standing before me, addressing the crowds. It was here on that abnormally warm November night that I began to contemplate what dreams I wanted to chase, and how I could achieve them.
In the following months, my life began to change dramatically. The desire for academic achievement quickly eclipsed the gratification obtained through my position on the college football team. With the help of many special people who emerged in my life I began to comprehend that with diligent application, I could achieve nearly anything I set out for. As I began to accrue more academic success, school became easier. As school became easier, my enjoyment multiplied. With each step forward, my confidence grew.
While my grades were improving, I began to desire more from outside of the classroom as well. My attention began to shift, along with my priorities. Entering undergraduate studies I sought little more than to play four years of college football; and while my time as a safety and cornerback on the Benedictine University football team was a lasting experience, it felt hollow to some degree. To remedy this, I looked to the immediate community for fulfillment. It seemed that almost immediately I found myself in other extra-curricular ventures. In an instant I was attending pre-law meetings, volunteering at Le Bonheur Children’s Hospital, and acting as the President of the Student Athletic Advisory Committee (SAAC).
Looking back, what I sought was a tangible result – something that would impact and contribute to society. This is what I saw on that November night in Chicago – a man who had become transcendent simply by having the courage to strive for much more. This approach has profoundly shaped my worldview going forward. Through this lens, law school represents the next logical jump in terms of my ability to add to the surrounding community. I do not currently know exactly which type of law I seek to practice, but whichever avenue I ultimately pursue will undoubtedly be selected in order to make the world a better place.
Generations of Americans come and go, all abstractly vowing to make their mark on the world with varying degrees of success. It has been these hopes, both large and small, that have made America the dynamic world force that it is today. In the future, if I am given an opportunity to impact society, I know that my desire for achievement, along with law school success will allow me to change the world for the better – one small piece at a time.




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