Need Help with my Personal Statement

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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JDLaf
Posts: 57
Joined: Mon Jan 18, 2010 10:44 am

Need Help with my Personal Statement

Postby JDLaf » Wed Sep 01, 2010 9:01 am

Can someone provide criticism/grammar/suggestions...thanks!!


At 2045 local Iraqi time I was woken by another aircrew member whom I was deployed with to an undisclosed location in the Middle East and was told we had to be at the aircraft in no more than thirty minutes. This was the beginning of another unpredictable night for myself and the rest of the XXX Squadron. I quickly jumped out of bed and hit the showers because I knew that I was in for another long night aboard my EC-130H Compass Call aircraft.

I swiftly moved out to the seemingly ancient Compass Call, a large four propeller aircraft, which was humming on the ramp. Compass Call is an aircraft that is in high demand in Operations Iraqi Freedom and Enduring Freedom because of the capabilities we bring to the fight. Our primary mission is to detect and deny enemy communications by jamming their radios thus rendering them useless. While the aircraft is almost fifty years old the risks associated with flying never crossed my mind, I was solely focused on protecting the soldiers' lives on the ground.

My crew and I ran on board and were handed the briefing for our mission that night. Before I knew it we were airborne and enroute to support American Army men and women fighting on the ground in Operation Iraqi Freedom. Tonight would be another demanding night, much like each of the over 80 combat flights I had flown that year in Iraq. As the sole Electronic Warfare Officer aboard the Compass Call, I was responsible for ensuring that the complex electronic equipment was operating at full capability to protect Soldiers conducting counterinsurgency operations below me. I was not conducting raids alongside those soldiers but their lives were in my hands.

While the Air Force’s EC-130H fleet of aircraft are borderline ancient, the technical and sophisticated electronic equipment aboard this aircraft is not. As the sole Electronic Warfare Officer I am an expert in the employment of Compass Call, which includes, but is not limited to, understanding how exactly the electronic equipment works and figuring out how malfunctioning equipment affects the other equipment on board. It is that technical expertise that has allowed countless number of soldiers to return home safely after patrolling the streets of Iraq.

On top of that, I am designated the Mission Crew Commander aboard the Compass Call, which means I am in charge of where, when and how my crew is going to employ our aircraft to best support the mission at hand. I direct our operators where to concentrate and instructing the Pilot and Navigator where we need to go in order to best optimize our effects. Still, my coordination does not stop inside the aircraft as I am responsible for coordinating with the soldiers on the ground figuring out where they are and how we can best support them. The coordination I must conduct inside and outside of the aircraft in order to accomplish the mission forces me to become very adept at dealing with multiple people with various personalities all at the same time. It has certainly allowed me to grow as an individual and learn how to better communicate with people in order to get the mission accomplished as efficiently and effectively as possible.

While flying over Iraq on those many missions, I often found myself thinking about my future. Being an Electronic Warfare Officer and leading the finest young men and women in America has been the greatest privilege of my life. I faced the life and death realities and responsibilities associated with combat. I have a one of a kind perspective and now seek to take the assets I have gained from the flying community of the Air Force and mold them into an Air Force legal career. The Funded Legal Education Program offered by the Air Force is an opportunity for me to not only excel but also to continue to serve the country that I love.

The Air Force and the United States military are institutions that demand you to grow as an individual in order to better serve the missions they support. They have and always will play a major role in my life and the way I conduct myself. The virtues of respect for the rights of others, obedience to rule of law and treaty, patriotism, valor, fidelity, abilities, vigilance, honor and character are expected of military officers and I am the embodiment of each and every one of them. Having zero blemishes against my criminal and civil record I believe shows my commitment to all these virtues. I pride myself on living my life by upholding each virtue. The very morals and guidelines that are drilled into my head constantly by the military will serve me well in the legal profession. The leadership skills and ability to work with a wide variety of people with different backgrounds and nationalities will allow me to excel. .

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JDLaf
Posts: 57
Joined: Mon Jan 18, 2010 10:44 am

Re: Need Help with my Personal Statement

Postby JDLaf » Wed Sep 01, 2010 11:54 am

people can be especially harsh/critical. I do not mind :)

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ArchRoark
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Joined: Sat Jul 03, 2010 2:53 pm

Re: Need Help with my Personal Statement

Postby ArchRoark » Wed Sep 01, 2010 11:55 am

tagged will comment as soon as I can devote the time to read it thoroughly

MPgator2010
Posts: 3
Joined: Tue Aug 31, 2010 2:04 pm

Re: Need Help with my Personal Statement

Postby MPgator2010 » Wed Sep 01, 2010 12:52 pm

Hey, fellow OIF vet here, looks good, I'll PM you the changes I made if you'll take a look at mine as well. It's also got a lot to do with my time over here. Thanks and Airborne!

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JDLaf
Posts: 57
Joined: Mon Jan 18, 2010 10:44 am

Re: Need Help with my Personal Statement

Postby JDLaf » Wed Sep 01, 2010 2:12 pm

I will def look at your PS. yea, just PM it to me and I'll get back to you sometime tomorrow with comments! thanks.

CanadianWolf
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Joined: Wed Mar 24, 2010 4:54 pm

Re: Need Help with my Personal Statement

Postby CanadianWolf » Wed Sep 01, 2010 3:49 pm

Too wordy & a bit repetitious. No evidence of cleverness. Contains redundant ideas & a couple of foolish phrases. You have turned four paragraphs of material into seven paragraphs--which is the opposite of good legal writing.
"Having zero blemishes on my criminal & civil record...". What is a blemish free criminal record ? Did you beat all of your charges ? What's on your civil record ? Why do morals & guidelines have to be costantly driven into your head ?

On the positive side, your writing is clear & well organized.

CONSIDER: DELETING "On top of that I am designated...". SUBSTITUTE " As the Mission Crew Commander aboard the Compass Call I am in charge of...".

Your fifth & seventh (final) paragraphs are weak & in need of revision.

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JDLaf
Posts: 57
Joined: Mon Jan 18, 2010 10:44 am

Re: Need Help with my Personal Statement

Postby JDLaf » Wed Sep 01, 2010 4:11 pm

what do you think about deleting this whole paragraph:

"While the Air Force’s EC-130H fleet of aircraft are borderline ancient, the technical and sophisticated electronic equipment aboard this aircraft is not. As the sole Electronic Warfare Officer I am an expert in the employment of Compass Call, which includes, but is not limited to, understanding how exactly the electronic equipment works and figuring out how malfunctioning equipment affects the other equipment on board. It is that technical expertise that has allowed countless number of soldiers to return home safely after patrolling the streets of Iraq."

after reading it, it really brings nothing substantive to the statement...

CanadianWolf
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Joined: Wed Mar 24, 2010 4:54 pm

Re: Need Help with my Personal Statement

Postby CanadianWolf » Wed Sep 01, 2010 4:25 pm

CONSIDER: Although part of the Air Force's EC-130H aging fleet, the Compass Call's electronic equipment is technically sophisticated. As the aircraft's sole Electronic Warfare Officer, my expertise requires understanding the electronic equipment's abilities and flaws in order to save lives of those on the ground.

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JDLaf
Posts: 57
Joined: Mon Jan 18, 2010 10:44 am

Re: Need Help with my Personal Statement

Postby JDLaf » Thu Sep 02, 2010 1:58 am

got it. i like the suggestions and am making the changes. I still think I should delete that fourth paragraph...it seems repetitive and does not add much to the statement. what do you think?

Also, I am editing it further to remove extraneous language that seem to add just length. Standby for edited version. Thanks again everyone.

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JDLaf
Posts: 57
Joined: Mon Jan 18, 2010 10:44 am

Re: Need Help with my Personal Statement

Postby JDLaf » Thu Sep 02, 2010 10:33 am

here is an updated version. I removed a lot of the extraneous language and the paragraph i talked about. If there are still repetitive parts please let me know what is. Let me know what everyone thinks. Thanks again, I really appreciate all the comments/suggestions.


At 2045 local Iraqi time I was woken by another aircrew member whom I was deployed with to an undisclosed location in the Middle East and was told we had to be at the aircraft in thirty minutes. This was the beginning of another unpredictable night for myself and the rest of the Air Force’s XXX Expeditionary Electronic Combat Squadron. I quickly jumped out of bed and hit the showers because I knew I was in for another long night aboard my EC-130H Compass Call aircraft.

I swiftly moved out to the antiquated Compass Call, a large four propeller aircraft, which was humming on the ramp. Compass Call is an aircraft that is in high demand in Operations Iraqi Freedom and Enduring Freedom because of the capabilities we bring to the fight. Our primary mission is to detect and deny enemy communications by jamming their radios thus rendering them useless. While the aircraft is almost fifty years old the risks associated with flying never crossed my mind as I was solely focused on protecting the soldiers' lives on the ground that night.

My crew and I ran on board and were handed the briefing for our mission that night. Before I knew it we were enroute to support U.S. Army men and women fighting on the ground in Iraq. Tonight would be another demanding night, much like each of the over 80 combat flights I had flown that year in Iraq. As the sole Electronic Warfare Officer on board, I was responsible for ensuring that the complex electronic equipment was operating at full capability to protect soldiers conducting counterinsurgency operations below me. I was not conducting raids alongside those soldiers but their lives were in my hands.

As Mission Crew Commander aboard the Compass Call I am in charge of where, when and how my crew is going to employ our aircraft to best support the mission at hand. I direct our operators where to concentrate and instruct the Pilot and Navigator where we need to go in order to best optimize our effects. I am also responsible for coordinating with the soldiers on the ground figuring out where they are and how we can best support them. The coordination I conduct forces me to become very adept at managing multiple people with various personalities. It has allowed me to grow as an individual and learn how to better communicate with people in order to get the mission accomplished as efficiently and effectively as possible.

While flying over Iraq on those missions, I often found myself thinking about my future. Being an Electronic Warfare Officer and leading the finest young men and women in America has been the greatest privilege of my life. I faced the life and death realities and responsibilities associated with combat. I have a one of a kind perspective and now seek to take the assets I have gained from the flying community of the Air Force and mold them into an Air Force legal career. The Funded Legal Education Program offered by the Air Force is an opportunity for me to not only excel in a new career field but also to continue to serve the country that I love.

The Air Force is an institution that demands you to grow as an individual in order to better serve the missions they support. They have and always will play a major role in my life and the way I conduct myself. The virtues of respect for the rights of others, obedience to rule of law and treaty, patriotism, valor, fidelity, abilities, vigilance, honor and character are expected of military officers and I am the embodiment of each and every one of them. Having zero blemishes against my record shows my commitment to all these virtues. The very morals that are drilled into my head constantly by the military will serve me well in the legal profession. The leadership skills and ability to work with a wide variety of people with different backgrounds and nationalities will allow me to excel. .




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