Marionberry wrote:It was, in fact, frighteningly gumptious.
This literally made me laugh out loud.
Assuming this isn't a flame, and out of the most basic sense of humanity that compels me not to let a person step in front of a bus (and because I have nothing better to do ATM): if you want to go to law school, you should write a completely new personal statement. My thoughts as I read the essay:
Woke up out of a dead sleep. I have no idea why, but I started writing it in my head and couldn't stop, so I knew I'd never be able to fall back asleep until I started writing. Here it is:
(Yes, I realize this isn't part of the essay; still...)Oh, no. It's one of those people who believes himself/herself to be a genius who has been struck by an epiphany of brilliance at 4AM. Well, maybe it'll have some potential and just be a little rough...
So I’ve made it to the point where I am to write my personal statement—that is, my law school personal statement. "..."Alas, it’s my big moment in trying to get you to like me. "Your writing is grammatically flawed, and this is going to turn into one of those 'Oh, check me out, I'm so f***ing awesome I'll write this s**t with no effort and just simply amaze you with my innate brilliance and perfectly honed writing.' I should stop reading right now." There are a few obvious routes I can take here: (1) I can tell you some long, well-calculated, analogous story (likely made up or exaggerated"Uhh...no.") about an event in my life that somehow worked out so conveniently to shape me into the wonderful human-being that I am today "I don't think you know what 'analogous' means...and what is this 'wonderful human-being' bull?"; or (2) I can brag about both my endless list of accomplishments and lengthy repertoire of talents "Lengthy repertoire of talents? You better be the modern f**ing Renaissance man if you're going to brag about a 'lengthy repertoire of talents.' " in order to convince you that I’m better than my competition. The former will likely put you to sleep and the latter is too incredibly cheesy for me to ever take part in, so I’m going to take an alternate route. "Yeah, sure..." I’m going take my route. *Grimacing* I’m not positive whether or not it’s going to be beneficial or detrimental to my application process, but I’m just going to flat-out give you my story. "Definitely detrimental." I can live with that. "You must have really low standards." At the very least, my story will provide some entertainment value—something that I for some reason doubt is a commonplace amongst the average personal statement. "For some reason? *Annoyed at pretentiousness* Your f***ing bad grammar is distracting me too much for me to enjoy any alleged humor."
I got my head smashed in at the hands of another kid for my first time during my first month in middle school as a sixth grader. It was my first real fight, I suppose, but it certainly wasn’t my last. "Bravo. You want a cookie? You're talking to somebody who has sustained a stab wound, four concussions, two broken bones, two fractured skulls, and five broken teeth. If you didn't get shot, this is just going to annoy me." At the time, I blamed all of my bleeding on the fact that I had braces, but boot-kicks to the mouth will do that to you regardless. Plus, he had braces too, so I had no excuse. *Mildly amused* Apparently, I had stuck my nose in the wrong business. I stood up for a kid I had known in elementary school—a weaker boy. He wasn’t a fighter; it wasn’t in his nature by any means. He was a nice kid. Bottom line, he was getting bullied. "So...you're going to convince me you're an uber-conscientious saint?" There’s something inside of me that could never tolerate bullies, "Called it. 'I just couldn't take it!'--what a f**ing joke." especially when the victim was undeserving—and believe me, this kid was undeserving. Unfortunately, I didn’t meet the physical requirements to be the hero, especially not in this scenario. I was small even for my age, and my newly-acquired enemy was of considerable size for his age (an older age than me, mind you). Excuse the cliché, but when I interrupted his reign of terror upon his victim—my elementary acquaintance—I was saved by the bell. That didn’t change the fact that my adversary was plenty pissed off, so he waited for me after school. Let’s just say he was waiting in the right place. Case closed. *Zzzz*
Situations like these took place time and time again throughout my childhood. Make no mistake; I didn’t always get beat up, but I was constantly getting into fights and other kinds of trouble. I developed a core of friends in middle school that would last even until today. "Why is your grammar is f***ing horrible??" It was a rough crowd of kids, a lot of which were either from broken homes or were poorly supervised. I won’t call my home broken but I will say that I was poorly supervised. Both of my parents worked and bills were always tight. I didn’t have anyone to hold my hand. “I packed my own lunch”, as I so often like to put it. Without any older siblings, I had to in so many ways raise myself. Consequently, I grew up fast. *Crickets chirping among utter lack of sympathy and annoyed derision aimed at self-pitying pansy, who is unsuccessfully attempting not to sound self-pitying.*
More times than I can even count, my teachers—typically my English teachers—would pull me aside after class and give me the “you’re-so-gifted-please-choose-new-friends” lecture. "You're seriously playing the 'I was always different; I was the one with potential!' card? I refuse to read any more of this shit."
I’m excited to become a lawyer. Honestly, I’m made to do this. I’m not a fan of numbers and I’m not a brain. I’d make a lackadaisical accountant and I’d be a crappy doctor; however, I will fulfill a dominant career in law. I’m loud, outspoken, articulate, and well-writ. My Mom always told me that if all else failed, my handsome looks would save me. So, if I’ve scared you away with my story, I leave you with that—but I guess you’ll have to give me the benefit of the doubt. "I don't have to give you shit. I can't believe I decided to read the last paragraph. I should have just smashed lightbulbs into my eyes. I'll never get those 15 seconds back." *Momentary reflection on how stupid the whole essay has been and how an adcomm would react to it, followed by hysterical laughter.*
As you can see, you quickly and effectively alienate your reader. You then proceed to annoy him and cause him to resent wasting his time on your essay. You should scrap this essay and come up with something new.