PS Guru's Eyeballs Needed

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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PS Guru's Eyeballs Needed

Postby RCG37 » Wed Sep 01, 2010 1:28 am

Thanks CanadianWolf & Kurla...I will be taking your advice and doing some minor tweaking and perfecting. Need the strongest PS possible as I'm on the edge for my reaches...
Last edited by RCG37 on Wed Sep 01, 2010 10:03 pm, edited 2 times in total.

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Re: PS Guru's Eyeballs Needed

Postby 12AngryMen » Wed Sep 01, 2010 4:50 am

Like they all say, honesty is the greatest of policies and your personal statement is that. I have gatherd that you are obviously greatly well qualified from this, and that you will do very well in law school because of them. This personal can be wrapped up in one quote, 'its all good!'

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Re: PS Guru's Eyeballs Needed

Postby RCG37 » Wed Sep 01, 2010 10:27 am

Thanks!... any other suggestions?

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Re: PS Guru's Eyeballs Needed

Postby CanadianWolf » Wed Sep 01, 2010 11:36 am

This is a very good personal statement. The fourth paragraph repeatedly misuses the semi-colon punctuation mark. Change "the" to "my" when referencing "the Olympic spirit" because few will believe that such an experience can be summed up in one word that applies universally to all Olympians' experiences (and if it could, then that word would not be "struggle").

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Re: PS Guru's Eyeballs Needed

Postby kurla88 » Wed Sep 01, 2010 12:28 pm

I like the topic and I think you have a good start. I especially like the opening paragraph: I think it draws people in as Chicago 2016 is a relatively unique topic. I feel like it gets a bit repetitive overall though, like you're trying to pull too much out of a single moment without providing enough detail, maybe?

Some ideas - can you talk about what specifically you did wrong to cause the loss of the bid? More likely, the loss had nothing to do with you, and you could expand upon kind of realizing that the whole thing was bigger than you, and you had an overinflated perception of your input into the whole thing?

Last two paragraphs are where it starts getting weak.

Unexpectedly, losing big was a prelude to a number of lessons; namely in humility, resilience, risk-taking, reflection, perspective, managing expectations and moving forward.

Less words!
The good graces I was accustomed to – perfect grades and high-profile internships; the best intentions and big ambitions; quick wit and all the charisma in the world

Lesssss words. And I feel like here you're hinting at a lot of great things about yourself without expounding on them. Yes, it's all in your resume, but don't assume your reader is going to want to go searching. It's a personal statement, brag.
– could not save me this time and without realizing it at the time, I learned more about the Olympic spirit in losing the bid than I did in preparing for it.

Bit of a cliche, but I like it.
The Olympic spirit is best summed up in one word, struggle, and in the year since the bid-loss I experienced much more of a struggle than I ever anticipated. Opportunities have been less than ideal, but by working seven days a week and often back-to-back, splitting my time between radio sales, retail and freelance writing, I have learned that ends must meet at the expense of my pride.

Again here, kind of hinting at things. I think overall my problem with this piece is that your growth is unclear. What I'm getting is "I had this great plan, it failed. And then I decided to apply to law school." What you need to be telling me is "I had this great plan, it failed, I learned all these things, and this is how I recovered. And then this is how the whole thing led me to the law." Get a little more detailed about your new job(s).
Now, as I vie for a spot in law school, the similarities between my experience with Chicago 2016 and my pursuit of a legal career are unmistakable; in both endeavors success demands intense preparation and focus, competition is fierce and winning is never guaranteed.

Say it with me now: less words. And I think making this comparison is both unnecessary and a stretch. Other than both being competitive situations, there isn't that much in common between law school applications and an Olympic bid. Adcomms are going to get the basic idea that you're talking about your growth from dealing with a difficult situation. You don't need to go so far as to say "and hey, this is just like the law!"
By that measure, the resilience I have acquired in losing will better suit me for the reality of the legal industry, in which the pressure is as immense as the uncertainty. With the perspective of first place, last place and many things in between, I have gained an indelible sense of humility and determination; two qualities a field bred on prestige and power could benefit from.

Again, feels like you're trying too hard to make the connection. It's fairly obvious that facing a major loss helps someone grow as a human being, no matter what their career. You don't need to go on to say that "and hey, that's good for lawyers!"
My approach to law school will not be filled with the inflated expectations and entitlement I once had with Chicago 2016, but insteadwith an Olympic attitude – one focused on continuing the struggle and carrying on with the conviction that if I persevere there are no limits.

Overall, seriously, a good topic and already a pretty good personal statement. Good luck.

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