Very Rough Personal Statement- Swaps WELCOME!

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
sergeantpzr
Posts: 43
Joined: Tue Jun 29, 2010 2:53 pm

Very Rough Personal Statement- Swaps WELCOME!

Postby sergeantpzr » Tue Aug 31, 2010 4:46 pm

Here goes nothing-

I will never forget the day Michael Jackson died. While the world was watching the King of Pop at UCLA Medical Center, I was watching lifeguards search to save my best friend XXX who had been beneath the waves at XXX for 5, 10, 20 minutes. The second I got on shore, I knew the man who fundamentally shaped my character was gone. I sat frozen on the beach, the wind mercilessly whipping by as I summoned the courage to call his sister. No Michelle, this was not a bad prank, please listen to me: you need to get here right away, your brother is in trouble. They dragged his limp body out of the ocean an hour later, and XXX was gone from me forever. I was left with the fundamental challenge of grieving my best friend’s death.

If you asked me ten years ago, I would have laughed at the idea of spending a day at the beach with XXX. Wasn’t this the same kid who just put me in a trashcan? The guy who sent me to years of therapy for depression with his bullying? XXX and I went to school together at small XXX for nine years, and I could not seem to shake his bullying while I was there. Sure, I coped with some self deprecating humor but the jokes were always at my expense and always hurt, no matter how I seemed to laugh them off. As the years went on, however, XXX matured and gave me my autonomy and dignity. He became the friend I never had when we went off to different high schools. XXX was not the most gifted academically, but he grew into a generous and selfless spirit that supported me. XXX and I became so close that he, rather than my parents, moved me into my college dorm. XXX grew from a bully to my brother.

The day of XXX’s funeral, I prepared for the most important speech of my life when I heard a terrible scream from inside the church, where only immediate family is allowed. I negotiate my way inside, and am met with a delicate balance I began to know well. His mother is arched over his coffin sobbing hysterically, and I feel the need to stand in for XXX and console her. However XXX’s father stands aloof in the corner, simmering in anger and blaming me for his death. I must respect his feelings. Michelle, a blend of the two, stands appropriately in the middle, although today she is understandably much more emotional and less angry. I console the women, greet his father, meet with the Priest to go over the service, and deliver a moving eulogy.

The aftermath of XXX’s life comes with its own deep challenges. The Smith’s, family friends whose sons are also blamed for XXX’s death, often threaten to expose XXX’s dirty laundry to his parents. Communicating rationally I explain why that will not be beneficial to anyone. At the same time, I play therapist for his friends by actively listening to their pain. These sore egos were soothed from across the globe while I was studying in Sweden. Returning back home, the struggle to come to terms with XXX’s death both myself and with family and friends goes on. The continued challenge of XXX’s death was the last gift he gave to me, as it has exposed me to multiple opportunities for growth.




Any comments are appreciated!

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ArchRoark
Posts: 1000
Joined: Sat Jul 03, 2010 2:53 pm

Re: Very Rough Personal Statement- Swaps WELCOME!

Postby ArchRoark » Tue Aug 31, 2010 6:13 pm

I didnt really have time to read it thoroughly but I noticed that in the following pargraph you switch back and forth between past and present tense. I would keep it in the past imho.

The day of XXX’s funeral, I prepared for the most important speech of my life when I heard a terrible scream from inside the church, where only immediate family is allowed. I negotiate my way inside, and am met with a delicate balance I began to know well. His mother is arched over his coffin sobbing hysterically, and I feel the need to stand in for XXX and console her. However XXX’s father stands aloof in the corner, simmering in anger and blaming me for his death. I must respect his feelings. Michelle, a blend of the two, stands appropriately in the middle, although today she is understandably much more emotional and less angry. I console the women, greet his father, meet with the Priest to go over the service, and deliver a moving eulogy.

sergeantpzr
Posts: 43
Joined: Tue Jun 29, 2010 2:53 pm

Re: Very Rough Personal Statement- Swaps WELCOME!

Postby sergeantpzr » Tue Aug 31, 2010 7:19 pm

You're absolutely right- I tried to mean that, at that point in time I prepared my eulogy and then did x y z. I see how that looks stupid now so I will change it. Thanks

Anyone have big picture points (or anything)? I will gladly return the favor! Thanks

sergeantpzr
Posts: 43
Joined: Tue Jun 29, 2010 2:53 pm

Re: Very Rough Personal Statement- Swaps WELCOME!

Postby sergeantpzr » Wed Sep 01, 2010 1:40 pm

bump- just trying to get any feedback to guide me in the right direction, thanks




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