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(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
cartercl
Posts: 454
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Postby cartercl » Tue Aug 31, 2010 6:15 am

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Last edited by cartercl on Sat Mar 05, 2011 11:52 pm, edited 5 times in total.

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Tanicius
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Re: Please Critique! I Need Your Thoughts On This!

Postby Tanicius » Tue Aug 31, 2010 1:46 pm

tag

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Tanicius
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Re: Please Critique! I Need Your Thoughts On This!

Postby Tanicius » Tue Aug 31, 2010 1:54 pm

I grew up with everyone in my family thinking that I had the perfect life, not because we were financially well-off or because we were all Rhodes Scholars, because we were neither. No one in my family had a father who was active in their lives, so when my mother married my step-father they thought I had something great. I had something they wanted. But they had no idea that what they coveted what not as great as it appeared to be.

I used to go to school every day and cover my wounds like a person who cuts their wrists. The only difference is that mine were not easily detected by the naked eye. I liked it that way. Instead I put on a smile, laughed and joked with my friends. Even they had no idea. I enjoyed the precious time that I had away from my home because I knew that the school day would eventually come to an end, I would leave my fantasy land, and I would be there again, dying to escape.

My mother was beaten and treated as if she meant nothing by the man who claimed to love her, and I was forced to bear witness every time, and threatened if it even seemed as if I wanted to be a hero. The phone was right next to me, but I did not dare pick it up. I knew better. Then came the night when things escalated to the point where I thought my mother would be taken away from me forever. I still remember my mother being thrown through that window. I remember how I cried. I remember how I froze like a helpless child.

For years I struggled to deal with the things I witnessed as a child and teenager. I was always just considered the angry kid with a chip on his shoulder, but no one knew the true pain that I held inside, how it felt to not be able to prevent your own mother from being abused. The things I chose to remember from that night were indicative of my approach throughout my early adult life. I only chose to look at the negative side of everything in every situation. But as I began to grow and learn, I reflected more on the events of that day – the day I thought my mother was going to be taken from me – and I remembered something else. For the latter part of my life I spent my time blaming the world for what happened to my family, but I failed to realize the most important fact: that my mother was still here. She was still standing.

So wWhen I thought I would not finish college and when things became almost too much for me to handle, I remembered. I remembered how although she was on the ground that night she refused to stay down. When I found myself getting in trouble and when everyone though[t] I was a lost cause, I remembered how although she was battered and bruised she refused to be broken. When I found myself entangled in legal trouble due to the anger that arose from my emotional struggle I remembered how although she was weak, she summoned every ounce of strength in her body and struggled back to her feet. Either explain this with context or cut it. Every time I look at my mother now I am reminded of the power of strength, courage, and overcoming adversity, and when she looks at me now she is reminded of the same.

The lessons I have learned from witnessing the triumph of a survivor of domestic violence have been pivotal to my growth in all facets of life.As a student, I have embraced my academic ability and used it to become the first college graduate in my family. At my job at the University of XXXXXX I learned I had something to offer the world. Students and alumni who were distraught and discouraged by the obstacles placed before them, such as not having the best grades for an internship or not being able to find employment to support their families, were given a glimmer of hope when I relayed my story to them. Rephrase in active voice and word it so that you don't assume you succeeded. You tried to give these people a glimmer of hope. I used anecdotes from my own life to provide these individuals with a unique perspective. I was not ashamed of my life story. Instead I used it to selflessly guide others who seemed to be without faith.

My experiences throughout life helped me discover my own altruism – using my past to help shape the future of others. The law provides me with a medium through which I can continue to express myself with the greatest impact. I was once a misguided young man with nowhere to turn and no one to trust; I now stand focused and refined, prepared for the challenges that await me both in law school and in life.

The individual I am today is the result of years of overcoming both adversity and mistakes, and doing what I was never supposed to do. I walked through the darkness but only as a progressive step towards the light. The effort that I have taken throughout my entire life to overcome challenges and improve myself is only a fraction of the energy I will put into being a law school student. I hope to have the opportunity to add all that I have become to the class of 2014 at [insert law school].


Solution to the last paragraph? You don't need it. Pretty solid PS once you shave away the obvious conclusions the reader is perfectly able to draw for him or herself.

cartercl
Posts: 454
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Re: Please Critique! I Need Your Thoughts On This!

Postby cartercl » Tue Aug 31, 2010 4:27 pm

Thanks for the feedback Tanicius. I'm going to go edit this and try to implement your suggestions? Anyone else?

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12AngryMen
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Re: Please Critique! I Need Your Thoughts On This!

Postby 12AngryMen » Wed Sep 01, 2010 5:14 am

I especially like it. It points to facts that show your desire for law school. It engaged me. It is enjoyable to read and well written at the same time. I like it.

cartercl
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Joined: Wed Apr 01, 2009 1:08 am

Re: Please Critique! I Need Your Thoughts On This!

Postby cartercl » Wed Sep 01, 2010 7:01 pm

12AngryMen wrote:I especially like it. It points to facts that show your desire for law school. It engaged me. It is enjoyable to read and well written at the same time. I like it.


Thanks 12AngryMen. I appreciate the support. Do you see anything wrong though? I had someone who didn't get the same impression that you did.

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12AngryMen
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Re: Please Critique! I Need Your Thoughts On This!

Postby 12AngryMen » Thu Sep 02, 2010 2:32 pm

Cant say that I do but I am just trying to help and give my opinion. It looks very good to me. It reads more sophisticated this time around for one reason or another.

CanadianWolf
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Re: Please Critique! I Need Your Thoughts On This!

Postby CanadianWolf » Thu Sep 02, 2010 2:37 pm

Genuine, sincere, humbling, uplifting & effective.




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