Diversity Statement - Critiques Welcome

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bk1
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Diversity Statement - Critiques Welcome

Postby bk1 » Tue Aug 31, 2010 1:39 am

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Last edited by bk1 on Sun Sep 05, 2010 2:38 am, edited 2 times in total.

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Dany
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Re: Altered Diversity Statement - Critiques Welcome

Postby Dany » Tue Aug 31, 2010 1:49 am

Just gave this a quick read through, and I have a couple thoughts. I don't think you need quotes around the different races; it makes the sentence look clunky. Try:

"...between my choices: Puerto Rican. Mexican. Japanese. White."

And cut out "my pencil hovering centimeters above them" - it's an awkward fragment and sounds a bit strange.

Re-word the sentence about JSA and M.E.Ch.A; the part that starts with "the others" isn't a complete thought and it's confusing.

Insert "and" before your mother's roots, it's a series.

standardized test.

-------------------------------

That's just what I saw on first read! Also, I'm not sure if I love the insect/wings/child metaphor. Let me mull it over and get back to you.

It's definitely almost there, though!

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bk1
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Re: Altered Diversity Statement - Critiques Welcome

Postby bk1 » Tue Aug 31, 2010 2:42 am

Thanks, I wasn't sure on the insect metaphor either, gonna try and rework it to make it more fluid.

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bk1
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Re: Diversity Statement - Critiques Welcome

Postby bk1 » Tue Aug 31, 2010 4:22 pm

Bump for new version (edited OP).




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