Revised PS--Please help me out..

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
nykfan7073
Posts: 27
Joined: Sun May 09, 2010 4:40 am

Revised PS--Please help me out..

Postby nykfan7073 » Mon Aug 30, 2010 5:38 pm

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Last edited by nykfan7073 on Thu Jun 28, 2012 5:14 pm, edited 1 time in total.

nykfan7073
Posts: 27
Joined: Sun May 09, 2010 4:40 am

Re: Revised PS--Please help me out..

Postby nykfan7073 » Mon Aug 30, 2010 9:38 pm

bumpity bump

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esq
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Re: Revised PS--Please help me out..

Postby esq » Mon Aug 30, 2010 9:52 pm

It seems more like a DS then a PS. I think it makes you stand out as unique, but it does little to describe your potential as a law school student. What did you actively do to develop yourself through academic, professional, and volunteer opportunities? After you gained your perspective, how has your effort to develop yourself actually affected your abilities (e.g. helped to to become involved, interested about a particular cause, developed your leadership potential, etc.)?

You say things like "I made it my goal to break down such barriers to the best of my ability. My attempts were often met with strong displeasure," but you don't give any specifics about your actions, what your specific goals were, or how your involvement affected you. You simply list some of the positions you held without justifying how your actions in them have actually developed you. It's very vague.

"I have no doubt that my mixed heritage has only made me a stronger and more versatile member of society." - I'm not sure that you have a conclusive answer to qualify this statement yet. You have no doubt, but you still have not clarified why.

nykfan7073
Posts: 27
Joined: Sun May 09, 2010 4:40 am

Re: Revised PS--Please help me out..

Postby nykfan7073 » Mon Aug 30, 2010 11:08 pm

Ouch. Haha, thank you that is some very helpful advice..

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esq
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Re: Revised PS--Please help me out..

Postby esq » Mon Aug 30, 2010 11:09 pm

I do think that it makes you an interesting applicant, though, and that is always a plus :!:

nykfan7073
Posts: 27
Joined: Sun May 09, 2010 4:40 am

Re: Revised PS--Please help me out..

Postby nykfan7073 » Mon Aug 30, 2010 11:15 pm

Did you find any other weaknesses other than the lack of detail in that 4th paragraph?

I mean do you think the overall writing quality and theme of the essay is good?

(Sorry if Im coming across as a little obnoxious here, just a little stressed out)

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esq
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Re: Revised PS--Please help me out..

Postby esq » Mon Aug 30, 2010 11:28 pm

I think that the theme and writing is good. As I said, I think that it makes you quite interesting. If you don't plan on writing a DS, or have something different about your background that you could use as a DS instead, I think that it's fine. Again, the only thing that I would really suggest that you work on is making the your experiences connect to your abilities through more detail about how you specifically developed because of them. I don't think that it is enough to say that your experiences made you a "stronger and more versatile member of society," you need to describe specific ways that it did so. You also might point out issues that affect specific groups and how your experience, and perspective because of it, logically will help you to relate to them, which would help you to understand how to help them as a legal professional.

ballents
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Re: Revised PS--Please help me out..

Postby ballents » Wed Sep 01, 2010 11:44 pm

If you haven't caught this yet, "over which I had no control over" should be fixed.




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