Personal Statement critique

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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rdcws000
Posts: 308
Joined: Wed Mar 10, 2010 7:41 pm

Re: Personal Statement critique

Postby rdcws000 » Mon Aug 30, 2010 9:25 am

I like it, and I think it's a good topic. This is coming from someone who had to disclose crimes that he actually did committ.

I would ditch this line though:

Legally I have no obligation to disclose that the trip to XXXXXXXX ever took place.


on the basis that

1. they know this already
2. it sounds rebellious/childish
3. you need to walk the fine line that while you were innocent and this was a learning experience for you, there is a reason that laws have always punished people for being in the "wrong place at the wrong time", and you should remain humble about it.

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Marionberry
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Joined: Fri Apr 23, 2010 9:24 pm

Re: Personal Statement critique

Postby Marionberry » Mon Aug 30, 2010 3:26 pm

You say "there's no record of it to be found anywhere". This is possibly not the case. Legal expungement doesn't work the same way it used to, as a result of private background search companies that buy information from public sources (police, sherrif's depts, jails, etc.). These companies are sometimes not contacted or do not comply with requests from the public agencies to delete their records. So just because it's expunged, it could still conceivably come up on a private background check, and there is very likely still a record of it somewhere.

I just think it would look kind of bad to say "There is no record of this anywhere" and then have it come up on their background check.

Someone also suggested that since it was expunged, that adcomms will know that he was innocent and wrongly accused. This is not true. Many people get things expunged that they were very much guilty of.
Last edited by Marionberry on Mon Aug 30, 2010 3:36 pm, edited 2 times in total.

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Marionberry
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Joined: Fri Apr 23, 2010 9:24 pm

Re: Personal Statement critique

Postby Marionberry » Mon Aug 30, 2010 3:32 pm

Also, I agree that this story is not particularly convincing. The possible risk in using this as a topic for your PS weighed against the fact that it really does little to strengthen an application would make me consider another topic. There's any number of things you can write about that wouldn't be nearly as risky, and would probably do just as much good for your cycle.

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2807
Posts: 578
Joined: Thu Dec 17, 2009 10:23 pm

Re: Personal Statement critique

Postby 2807 » Mon Aug 30, 2010 4:48 pm

I agree with the risk in the way it was first presented. However, I took from it that he was in the wrong place at the wrong time, was arrested, and eventually cleared of everything. Through that experience he was afforded an incredible perspective of the power and the justice within the justice system...

I take an angle of hardly addressing the incident anymore than what I just said above... and then focus on the true life-changing focus and perspective one gains after going through that.. and where it has lead him today. He and I are working on a much different version of the same story presented earlier.

With that approach it has potential to be a great PS.

All of the risk issues are true, and if there is a more powerful PS about helping nuns get to the voting booth, that would certainly be safer. I think the OP is well aware of all of this now. I just tried to provide the help he asked for.
8)

pwuflaw811
Posts: 8
Joined: Sun Aug 29, 2010 7:01 pm

Re: Personal Statement critique

Postby pwuflaw811 » Tue Aug 31, 2010 12:17 am

esq wrote:
I have spent a lot of time in LA, and never once was I arrested as a drug dealer, released, and then accused for drug involvement - dumping the evidence - again in a separate city. I think that you were involved somehow. I also think the story has some holes in it that need to be answered. It's all very sketchy.


As much as you pissed me off with your accusations and destruction of my PS topic, I'm still pulling up this quote a day later to get a good laugh.

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ArchRoark
Posts: 1000
Joined: Sat Jul 03, 2010 2:53 pm

Re: Personal Statement critique

Postby ArchRoark » Tue Aug 31, 2010 12:33 am

pwuflaw811 wrote:
esq wrote:
I have spent a lot of time in LA, and never once was I arrested as a drug dealer, released, and then accused for drug involvement - dumping the evidence - again in a separate city. I think that you were involved somehow. I also think the story has some holes in it that need to be answered. It's all very sketchy.


As much as you pissed me off with your accusations and destruction of my PS topic, I'm still pulling up this quote a day later to get a good laugh.


While esq may be a bit blunt at times, you really shouldn't post your PS up asking for advice then get angry at the responses you receive.

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12AngryMen
Posts: 58
Joined: Fri Jul 23, 2010 10:25 am

Re: Personal Statement critique

Postby 12AngryMen » Wed Sep 01, 2010 4:42 am

Damn, you probably done some good shit. Hook me up with some meth :twisted:




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