Revised PS - Please Read/Critique

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bk1
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Revised PS - Please Read/Critique

Postby bk1 » Sat Aug 28, 2010 10:56 pm

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Last edited by bk1 on Sun Sep 05, 2010 2:37 am, edited 5 times in total.

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Marionberry
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Re: Revised PS - Please Read/Critique

Postby Marionberry » Sat Aug 28, 2010 11:21 pm

I like this one a lot better. It's late and I'm on my blackberry, but I'll try and give a little bit more helpful feedback tomorrow.

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2807
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Re: Revised PS - Please Read/Critique

Postby 2807 » Sun Aug 29, 2010 12:07 am

Well, there is a lot (I would say too much) on the background and detail of the process and emotions involved in the adoption. I found myself saying "where are we headed here... there is not much more to read..." And then at the end BAM you lay it on us.

Try a rewrite where you are not so evasive. Declare that awesome experience and its transformation in your worldview right up front. I understand the "bait them in" beginning, and you can still do that. But by the second or third sentence you better lay it on us. It should not be a surprise at the end. Have a clever or powerful ending, but maybe not have your main point be both.

I see comma errors. I have become the comma guy on these things. hahaah.

It is a good story and a reasonably powerful experience to go through at that young age. Maybe a few examples of your worldview before the process and your new and improved view after it to show the foundational changes that define you now. Cut out the over-detailed process descriptions, and replace them with YOUR process of transformation. Specifics. Powerful. Declarative. Show how you are a better man because of this. Name a few things you have done differently because of this. You talk about it happening, back it up with something. It is more powerful.

How about starting off like this, " I would never have given that homeless guy a smile, let alone a hot lunch, but after seeing the world through the eyes of someone less fortunate than me I suddenly realized how interconnected we all are, and how fortunate I am to have the opportunities I have. I was happy to give him a meal, he needed it, and so did I. However, I did not always feel this way. I am grateful for the clarity that came my way when I least expected it....
My decision to pursue a legal career is founded in my transforming active participation in the adoption process of my beloved little brother, and as my family and I collectively share in making his life better, I intend on similar involvement in collectively working for the betterment of others less fortunate. I intend to use my legal education in a manner that will provide hope for others in the same way my experience has provided focus and clarity for me."

(new paragraph) I recall the... (string story here...)... I changed after that experience. I physically saw how we are all connected in different ways. I walk down the street, sit in class, go out to eat, and I can consider in my mind how similar strings are connecting all of us. ....

(new paragraph) EXAMPLE of string connection other than brother....

(new paragraph) Wrap it up.

(new paragraph) Strings/ connection /transformation/ "do my part". ...The end.



Hows that?

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bk1
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Re: Revised PS - Please Read/Critique

Postby bk1 » Wed Sep 01, 2010 10:49 pm

Another rewrite. OP edited to include it. Critiques appreciated!

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Marionberry
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Re: Revised PS - Please Read/Critique

Postby Marionberry » Wed Sep 01, 2010 11:38 pm

I like this one a lot! It really demonstrates a lot of maturity, and social conscience that is realistic without being jaded or cynical. The last paragraph needs to be polished, but conclusions are always tough. Definitely rework the sentence with "multifaceted" in it. Good work though!




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