First ROUGH Draft of Personal Statement, Pls comment

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
ljl3469
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Joined: Fri Jun 25, 2010 9:09 pm

First ROUGH Draft of Personal Statement, Pls comment

Postby ljl3469 » Fri Aug 27, 2010 5:29 pm

nly in law school but as an attorney in the legal community. As a result of my vast life experience, I have a unique perspective that w














Thanks everyone!
Last edited by ljl3469 on Fri Aug 27, 2010 8:13 pm, edited 1 time in total.

lawschoolgiant
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Joined: Mon Dec 28, 2009 6:21 pm

Re: First ROUGH Draft of Personal Statement, Pls comment

Postby lawschoolgiant » Fri Aug 27, 2010 5:41 pm

I'm sorry but the first few sentences were so boring I couldn't continue....Not compelling in the least.

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Marionberry
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Re: First ROUGH Draft of Personal Statement, Pls comment

Postby Marionberry » Fri Aug 27, 2010 6:30 pm

My biggest concern would be that its focus is on something that happened to you in high school. Not that it's a bad story, I just don't know how convincing it is of your current qualities. Your use of adjectives is a bit much at times, making sentences unnecessarily dense and hard to read.

All in all it's not bad, but I would consult someone with more knowledge of the admissions process about the topic.

Also, you say "informative years". The correct term is "formative years".

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ShuckingNotJiving
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Re: First ROUGH Draft of Personal Statement, Pls comment

Postby ShuckingNotJiving » Fri Aug 27, 2010 7:51 pm

Marionberry wrote:My biggest concern would be that its focus is on something that happened to you in high school. Not that it's a bad story, I just don't know how convincing it is of your current qualities. Your use of adjectives is a bit much at times, making sentences unnecessarily dense and hard to read.

All in all it's not bad, but I would consult someone with more knowledge of the admissions process about the topic.

Also, you say "informative years". The correct term is "formative years".



Yes! There are a lot of awkward word choices -- for example:

"proverbial workhorse" in the second paragraph
"actively daydreaming" in the first
"propelled into adulthood instantaneously" in the last (and very long) paragraph. Why is your ending paragraph so long? Not that it should be extremely short, but you don't want that much meat in your concluding paragraph.

My suggestion: figure out what you're attempting to convey about your own qualities. I don't think you having to work as a teen suffices in terms of what makes you an attractive candidate for law school. It could add to other qualities, but it shouldn't be the central focus.

Also, take out the superfluous details about your fathers accident. In that section, the essay veers from highlighting your experience, to expounding on an event that would be most effectively conveyed in one or two sentences, that can be both poignant and concise. "In December of 2000, my father was the victim of an on the job accident that left him disabled and traumatized. With this single event, my family dynamic was permanently changed." That's all you need in reference to what happened to him. Anything more has the potential to lessen, rather than emphasize, the gravity of the experience.

And, use less adjectives.




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