Personal Statement - Feedback Needed

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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bk1
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Personal Statement - Feedback Needed

Postby bk1 » Wed Aug 25, 2010 8:16 pm

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Last edited by bk1 on Sun Sep 05, 2010 2:39 am, edited 1 time in total.

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Marionberry
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Re: Personal Statement - Feedback Needed

Postby Marionberry » Wed Aug 25, 2010 8:50 pm

The subject matter leaves something to be desired. I think it does a good job of portraying you as a warm, decent human being, but does little to indicate anything what makes you a good candidate for law school. Not that it has to address this topic expressly, but you know what I mean. Maybe reconsider the topic? Or, try to find a new perspective on it that showcases more of your personal strengths.

The good news is that your writing is good. A little prone to run on sentences, but your diction and syntax are easy to read, not too flowery, and effective. This is a big difference from a lot of the stuff on here where writers "try too hard" to demonstrate that they can write well, coming off awkward and hard to read.

Did you encounter and work through any problems, either logistically or internally/personally throughout the adoption process? That might could be a good spin, or if you can show how you learned about yourself through this process.

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bk1
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Re: Personal Statement - Feedback Needed

Postby bk1 » Wed Aug 25, 2010 11:21 pm

Marionberry wrote:The subject matter leaves something to be desired. I think it does a good job of portraying you as a warm, decent human being, but does little to indicate anything what makes you a good candidate for law school. Not that it has to address this topic expressly, but you know what I mean. Maybe reconsider the topic? Or, try to find a new perspective on it that showcases more of your personal strengths.

The good news is that your writing is good. A little prone to run on sentences, but your diction and syntax are easy to read, not too flowery, and effective. This is a big difference from a lot of the stuff on here where writers "try too hard" to demonstrate that they can write well, coming off awkward and hard to read.

Did you encounter and work through any problems, either logistically or internally/personally throughout the adoption process? That might could be a good spin, or if you can show how you learned about yourself through this process.


Kind of my thoughts as well. Thought I'd throw it up and see if anybody thought differently. Basically I felt as if it came off as generic and too little about me, but I wasn't sure.

Any other takers before I go back to the drawing board?
Last edited by bk1 on Thu Aug 26, 2010 12:30 pm, edited 1 time in total.

CanadianWolf
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Re: Personal Statement - Feedback Needed

Postby CanadianWolf » Wed Aug 25, 2010 11:27 pm

Very well written. Admissions officers will like you after reading your essay. This personal statement is effective at creating a real person in the eyes of the reader. Portrays you as honest, compassionate & intelligent.

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saito816
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Re: Personal Statement - Feedback Needed

Postby saito816 » Thu Aug 26, 2010 4:00 pm

I liked it overall, but I'd have to agree with Marionberry. It gave great insight into you as a person, but I did not get any sense of why you feel as though law is the best fit for you. I'm not really sure how I'd go about weaving that into your PS though.




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