My Personal Statement--your suggestions are much appreciated

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
azizi
Posts: 15
Joined: Tue Aug 24, 2010 12:20 am

My Personal Statement--your suggestions are much appreciated

Postby azizi » Tue Aug 24, 2010 12:28 am

[Deleted]
Last edited by azizi on Wed Aug 25, 2010 12:52 am, edited 1 time in total.

CanadianWolf
Posts: 10439
Joined: Wed Mar 24, 2010 4:54 pm

Re: My Personal Statement--your suggestions are much appreciated

Postby CanadianWolf » Tue Aug 24, 2010 12:35 am

As a first draft, your personal essay is good. The opening sentence, however, needs to be redone as it is confusing.
CONSIDER: Deleting the word "excellent" before "relationships".
DELETE: "of" in the last paragraph after the word "despite".
CHANGE: to "...we really do share many similiarities that connect us together."

There are a few other minor errors that need to be corrected. Overall your essay is good because it offers insight to your view of the world.

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Older Chest
Posts: 189
Joined: Tue Jun 08, 2010 2:08 pm

Re: My Personal Statement--your suggestions are much appreciated

Postby Older Chest » Tue Aug 24, 2010 12:51 am

I agree with the Wolf. This is excellent for a first draft, but your opening sentence is way too long and confusing. The last thing you want to do is have the reader roll their eyes before they learn anything about you.

I have two main suggestions to improve your personal statement:

1) You could close it in a more powerful way by talking about how you want to incorporate your diverse, ethnic background into a legal career. This could be a HUGE advantage if written well. Also, I've read numerous times that it's best not to use quotes; an admissions officer would much rather read something in your words. The quote you included is powerful, and I think that you can modify the message to make it something in your words and perfectly relevant to your story.

2) The essay could be improved by talking a little bit less about learning the English language. In particular, these two lines are too strong for my taste: "No matter how hard the comprehension of the English Language was, I was determined to perfect my grasp of it. I knew that this was going to be my ticket to success in the American culture." Your story is very interesting, and as a reader, I would like to hear more about your experience becoming comfortable in America. Perhaps focus on 1 or 2 additional points as a way to let the reader learn more about you.

All in all, I do think you have a compelling story and personal statement, and I wish you luck.

Just curious - what are your top choices for school?

CanadianWolf
Posts: 10439
Joined: Wed Mar 24, 2010 4:54 pm

Re: My Personal Statement--your suggestions are much appreciated

Postby CanadianWolf » Tue Aug 24, 2010 12:56 am

Although quoting others in a personal statement is risky, you made it work because your quote powerfully & succinctly restates & reinforces your theme.

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El_Gallo
Posts: 218
Joined: Wed Apr 28, 2010 10:23 am

Re: My Personal Statement--your suggestions are much appreciated

Postby El_Gallo » Tue Aug 24, 2010 1:02 am

Nice Writing--

One thing I notice that when you talk about learning to read and write from right to left you spell "right" and "write."

Good job and good luck!

azizi
Posts: 15
Joined: Tue Aug 24, 2010 12:20 am

Re: My Personal Statement--your suggestions are much appreciated

Postby azizi » Tue Aug 24, 2010 1:04 pm

Great suggestions! I will work on adding one or two other points about adjusting to the American culture as well as referring to the legal field. The challenge is having it all flow together in respect to the two page limit. Thank you!

Jacox: My top three choices are Berkeley, NYU, and Columbia---- I hope that continues to be my top 3 as I'm taking the LSATs in February for the first time!

Gallo: That totally slipped past me.... great catch!

Thank you all for your feedback. I would love to read more suggestions and general comments regarding any part of the PS!

Thanks!




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