Feedback needed on my introduction

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thedude221
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Feedback needed on my introduction

Postby thedude221 » Mon Aug 23, 2010 8:10 pm

This is all I have right now, any feedback would be much appreciated.

It was twelve years ago that, in a move of uncharacteristic progressivism, the Georgia General Assembly passed a bill requiring all health insurance providers in the state to provide a minimum amount of coverage for patients who underwent a mastectomy or lymph node dissection. The bill’s near unanimous passage might convey the impression that its path to the governor’s desk was a flat an unencumbered one but this proves not to be the case. In actuality moving this legislation from mere proposal to legal reality was as arduous as building skyscrapers from sand. However, its passage was inevitable due in large part to its principle architect and my mother, V**** M*******. It would seem a cruel irony then that only a few years after the triumph of the bills passage my mother would be diagnosed with breast cancer. Her illness and eventual death would have a profound effect on who I am and what I would choose to become.

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Knock
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Re: Feedback needed on my introduction

Postby Knock » Tue Aug 24, 2010 1:31 pm

thedude221 wrote:This is all I have right now, any feedback would be much appreciated.

It was twelve years ago that, in a move of uncharacteristic progressivism, the Georgia General Assembly passed a bill requiring all health insurance providers in the state to provide a minimum amount of coverage for patients who underwent a mastectomy or lymph node dissection. The bill’s near unanimous passage might convey the impression that its path to the governor’s desk was a flat an unencumbered one but this proves not to be the case. In actuality moving this legislation from mere proposal to legal reality was as arduous as building skyscrapers from sand. However, its passage was inevitable due in large part to its principle architect and my mother, V**** M*******. It would seem a cruel irony then that only a few years after the triumph of the bills passage my mother would be diagnosed with breast cancer. Her illness and eventual death would have a profound effect on who I am and what I would choose to become.


Sounds good so far. Just remember to focus the essay on how this experience has affected you, rather than simply what happened to your mother. My condolences as well - that must be tough.

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thedude221
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Re: Feedback needed on my introduction

Postby thedude221 » Tue Aug 24, 2010 5:07 pm

Sounds good so far. Just remember to focus the essay on how this experience has affected you, rather than simply what happened to your mother. My condolences as well - that must be tough.


Thanks for the condolences, and thank you again for being one of the more helpful responders to my posts.

I've already made a note to focus my attention on how it affected me, its just been difficult.

CanadianWolf
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Re: Feedback needed on my introduction

Postby CanadianWolf » Tue Aug 24, 2010 5:13 pm

This is an awkward & poorly written introductory paragraph. Focus on crafting an introductory sentence that is more thematic & less fact specific.
It is difficult to offer more constructive advice because I do not have a clear impression of where you want to take this essay. If this were a political science assignment for a college course, then it might be an appropriate start.
Try to complete a rough draft & post it for more refined critiques.

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thedude221
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Re: Feedback needed on my introduction

Postby thedude221 » Wed Aug 25, 2010 6:43 pm

bump

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philosoraptor
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Re: Feedback needed on my introduction

Postby philosoraptor » Wed Aug 25, 2010 7:20 pm

A few suggestions on trimming a wordy graf:
thedude221 wrote:It was tTwelve years ago, that, in a move of uncharacteristic progressivism, the Georgia General Assembly passed a bill requiring the state's all health-insurance providersin the state to provide a minimum amount of coverage for cover patients who had undergone underwent [or whatever tense you meant; "underwent" is ambiguous. had they already had the procedures? was it future procedures? coverage for the procedures only?] a mastectomy or lymph node dissection. The bill’s near-unanimous passage might suggest convey the impressionthat its path to the governor’s desk was easy,a flat an unencumbered one but this proves not to be the case. In actuality moving this legislation from mere proposal to legal reality was as arduous as building skyscrapers from sand [sounds overexaggerated and kind of dumb. of course legislating is a slow, tough process.].

However, [usually more elegant as a postpositive] its passage was inevitable due thanks in large partto its principle principal architect: and my mother, V**** M******* [assuming they're the same person. and by "inevitable," are you just expressing blind confidence in your mother's ability to get bills passed, or did she have a 100% success rate in the legislature? either way, seems unnecessary. why not just say, "the bill's principal architect was my mother, VM"?]. In It would seem a cruel coincidence, irony then that only a few years after the triumph of the bills passage bill passed, my mother was would be diagnosed with breast cancer. Her illness and eventual death would have have had a profound effect on who I am and what I would choose have chosen to become.
How successful the essay is will depend on where you take it from here. While you're mulling that over, find a respectable book on grammar and style and put it to good use.




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