School specific. Thoughts?

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
nfggcaar
Posts: 33
Joined: Sun Dec 13, 2009 5:55 am

School specific. Thoughts?

Postby nfggcaar » Mon Aug 23, 2010 5:31 pm

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Last edited by nfggcaar on Thu Feb 16, 2012 5:30 am, edited 1 time in total.

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Montevillian
Posts: 250
Joined: Sun May 16, 2010 6:05 pm

Re: School specific. Thoughts?

Postby Montevillian » Mon Aug 23, 2010 5:55 pm

I know this won't help too much, but one thing that stood out to me as being a little bit awkward was how you shifted from the first topic (prune belly syndrome) to the second (diabetes) with very little in the way of connecting the two. I wanted to hear more specifically about what you gained from the syndrome, rather than the general information you provided, and was a little bit thrown when you shifted it so suddenly. It looks to be like you have a little bit of difficulty with transitions in general in this statement, though the topics are all closely related enough it shouldn't be hard to add the transitions in with little difficulty.

nfggcaar
Posts: 33
Joined: Sun Dec 13, 2009 5:55 am

Re: School specific. Thoughts?

Postby nfggcaar » Mon Aug 23, 2010 5:59 pm

So I guess I should expound more on paragraph 2 before jumping right into the diabetes? Or are you referring to the intro?

CanadianWolf
Posts: 10439
Joined: Wed Mar 24, 2010 4:54 pm

Re: School specific. Thoughts?

Postby CanadianWolf » Mon Aug 23, 2010 6:23 pm

You write well. I really enjoyed reading your personal statement. This should help your law school application for a variety of reasons, but primarily because it shows clarity of thought & the ability to express your thoughts in a clear & concise manner. Indiana should appreciate your references.

nfggcaar
Posts: 33
Joined: Sun Dec 13, 2009 5:55 am

Re: School specific. Thoughts?

Postby nfggcaar » Mon Aug 23, 2010 6:26 pm

CanadianWolf wrote:You write well. I really enjoyed reading your personal statement. This should help your law school application for a variety of reasons, but primarily because it shows clarity of thought & the ability to express your thoughts in a clear & concise manner. Indiana should appreciate your references.


Thanks!

granger
Posts: 169
Joined: Wed Dec 02, 2009 7:35 pm

Re: School specific. Thoughts?

Postby granger » Tue Aug 24, 2010 8:35 pm

In the third sentence, I'd suggest changing different 'than' to different 'from'. Different is distinctive, but not comparative.




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