my personal statement, again

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
haveaniceday111
Posts: 31
Joined: Sat Jul 05, 2008 3:29 pm

my personal statement, again

Postby haveaniceday111 » Mon Aug 23, 2010 12:32 am

removed.


thanks for the suggestions - I think I've got it :)
Last edited by haveaniceday111 on Fri Oct 08, 2010 3:01 am, edited 1 time in total.

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Tanicius
Posts: 2957
Joined: Sat Feb 07, 2009 12:54 am

Re: my personal statement, again

Postby Tanicius » Mon Aug 23, 2010 1:50 am

K, this is simple advice, shouldn't have to quote anything so you can tell what I mean.

Show, don't tell. Get rid of stuff like that the sentence at the end with the word "synthesize." If the adcomm doesn't agree with the conclusion, telling it to them isn't going to change their mind. These kinds of declarations are hollow and they seem either insincere, cliche, or both. Humans are persuaded best via a recounting of experiences, not the statement of opinions the speaker formed from those experiences.

CanadianWolf
Posts: 10439
Joined: Wed Mar 24, 2010 4:54 pm

Re: my personal statement, again

Postby CanadianWolf » Mon Aug 23, 2010 11:04 am

Your personal statement is too wordy & a bit repetitious.

Some of your sentences are creative & memorable. "The music reaches to where the light doesn't." is an example. "Like music, law is dynamic..." and "But like the light in the meeting center, law has its limits." are other examples.

As an early draft, your essay is good.




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