PS Help: Round 2

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
alexost
Posts: 12
Joined: Mon Sep 28, 2009 9:21 pm

PS Help: Round 2

Postby alexost » Sun Aug 22, 2010 8:23 pm

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Last edited by alexost on Mon Aug 23, 2010 3:42 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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haydee
Posts: 67
Joined: Sun Jul 11, 2010 12:57 pm

Re: PS Help: Round 2

Postby haydee » Sun Aug 22, 2010 10:38 pm

I thought the general arc of your essay worked well, but I found some of your language to be a little distracting. Phrases like "melancholy occasion" or "critical piece of guidance" distance you from your topic. Having a strong vocabulary is great, but being able to write clearly, directly, and sincerely is better. I might also eliminate some of the modifiers, like "very" or "extremely"; they actually kind of take the wind out of your sails. You've definitely got something to say here, but I think part of your message is getting lost in 25 cent words and convoluted sentence structures.

alexost
Posts: 12
Joined: Mon Sep 28, 2009 9:21 pm

Re: PS Help: Round 2

Postby alexost » Mon Aug 23, 2010 3:42 pm

haydee wrote:I thought the general arc of your essay worked well, but I found some of your language to be a little distracting. Phrases like "melancholy occasion" or "critical piece of guidance" distance you from your topic. Having a strong vocabulary is great, but being able to write clearly, directly, and sincerely is better. I might also eliminate some of the modifiers, like "very" or "extremely"; they actually kind of take the wind out of your sails. You've definitely got something to say here, but I think part of your message is getting lost in 25 cent words and convoluted sentence structures.


Thank you. I will edit with your advice in mind.




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