Batter Up!

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
ashore
Posts: 3
Joined: Thu Jul 29, 2010 6:53 pm

Batter Up!

Postby ashore » Fri Aug 20, 2010 9:01 pm

Say something, I told myself. This has a chance to be so much better, I thought to myself. Suddenly I blurted out, “We should do something different,” and instantly fourteen sets of eyes turned to focus on me, a lowly intern, to see what had inspired me to so erratically voice my opinion about the means to which our branch was to present this years sales figures to our executive vice president.

Our general manager made eye contact with our sales manager, shrugged his shoulders, looked directly into my eyes and said, “well, what is it you have in mind?” I said that while our current option of a sales brochure, broken down into quarterly reports, was without a doubt an effective means of illustrating our branch’s financial success I felt it came off as distant, non-personal and devoid of feeling. My manager interlocked his hands, pressed his thumbs against his lips then smiled and said “sounds like a plan, Mr. O’Brien will be here on Monday the 7th so make sure to have a copy of the presentation to me by noon on Friday the 4th.” As we filed out of the conference room I slowly started to grasp the gravity of the situation. Here I was, 2 weeks into an internship at a Fortune 500 company and now my first task after lunch will be organizing a presentation to a corporate executive that will highlight over 2.2 million dollars in revenue.

Not only was I in charge of the technical aspects of the presentation but also I was required to delegate tasks and request information from coworkers who, might I add, had much more seniority than myself, and hardly appreciated my disregard for normal presentation protocol. Needless to say I was not the most popular intern in the history of interns.

For the next two weeks I met with our sales manager every morning to relay my progress and lobby continuously for the need of this presentation. As days passed I was able to bring more and more of my former adversaries to my side after showing them segments I had completed. The constant pressure and scrutiny I felt while creating this presentation increased my motivation and dedication to levels I didn’t know I had, but yet I still had a coworker who would not work with me.

I decided to sit down with her one morning and find the reasons, for her hesitance in participating in the presentation. She agreed to meet with me in our conference room and instead of wasting her time skirting around the issue and said, “What can I do to help you become more involved in the presentation?” She told me that due to our branches recent growth a few new employees had been hired and she was forced to delegate some of her more rudimentary tasks to them. She felt by show casing the individual parts of our branch instead of solely focusing on the numbers in would place her in a negative light and she was fearful of losing her job. I could see she felt this way a very real possibility and even held some hostility towards me given the fact that she had been with the company for over twelve years and I started my employment almost twelve days ago.

I spent the next forty-five minutes with her going over her day-to-day responsibilities and how we could use the presentation to highlight them in order to illustrate exactly how much she contributes on a daily basis. It gave me a great deal of satisfaction to be able to see the relief on her face when she viewed the final product and was able to see how the presentation highlighted our branches superior ability to work individually all while staying true to our company’s core philosophy of growth, flexibility and integrity.

After nearly two weeks of bringing people to my team, working after hours, motivating myself to make it as perfect as possible, the presentation was finally finished. The day arrived when our presentation was to be shown and I had already left for the day prior to the vice president viewing it. I was appropriately nervous and opted to take my dog for a walk, instead of frantically clicking refresh on my computer waiting for an email from my manager.

As my dog pulled me along the sidewalk I began to think about what I would take away from the entire process, and how it would affect me as an individual. Aside from a crash course in business discipline and organization, my brief stint as a project manager enabled me to look inward and assess what skills and interests I have. It flashed a spotlight onto my strengths and my weaknesses and it was after analyzing these characteristics within myself did I understand that I wanted to study the law.

Given that my experiences with my co-workers led to a great deal of introspection it required me to think very seriously about my future. It taught me what kind of determination was necessary for real world success and I came to realize my need and my desire for developing a certain skill set that would allow me the same satisfaction of accomplishment I felt when everything came together. It was then I realized that law school was the correct choice for me and it wasn’t simply a career decision or a default decision. It would be something that I could apply to the person I am and the person I will become. It would allow me the possibility to study the law and at the same time teach me how to practice law and apply the law in ways beneficial not only to myself but other around me as well. As I sat on a park affirming my decision to attend law school my phone vibrated informing me of an email I had just received from my manager with the subject line “Presentation”. I looked at my phone, smiled, and clicked open.
Last edited by ashore on Tue Aug 24, 2010 5:12 pm, edited 3 times in total.

ashore
Posts: 3
Joined: Thu Jul 29, 2010 6:53 pm

Re: Batter Up!

Postby ashore » Sat Aug 21, 2010 3:25 pm

Pleeeeease.

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Nulli Secundus
Posts: 2625
Joined: Mon Jun 21, 2010 7:19 am

Re: Batter Up!

Postby Nulli Secundus » Sat Aug 21, 2010 3:28 pm

Make it easier to read by adding some paragraphs, and more people will comment, I guess. Other than that, is there an alternative way of thought? Referring to "I silently thought"

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legalease9
Posts: 623
Joined: Tue Mar 23, 2010 8:41 pm

Re: Batter Up!

Postby legalease9 » Sat Aug 21, 2010 3:34 pm

Interesting story. The Dog part needs to be cut down. I understand you are trying to set the scene, but I think it takes up too much space and doesn't say anything important.

I see that you say that the experience at your firm makes you want to be a lawyer, but I don't see you explain why that is the case. You need to clearly connect the experience to your desire to practice law.

The story is good, and I would use it. Maybe less detail though. All thats relevant is that you challenged your superiors and took on a leadership role over your superiors, and succeeded. The details of interactions with co-workers are less relevant.

So I think you have a good start, but you need basically less of part 1 (what you did) and more of part 2 (why it makes you want to be a lawyer).

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legalease9
Posts: 623
Joined: Tue Mar 23, 2010 8:41 pm

Re: Batter Up!

Postby legalease9 » Sat Aug 21, 2010 3:35 pm

Oh and yes. Paragraphs Please!

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pkpop
Posts: 119
Joined: Fri May 23, 2008 9:09 pm

Re: Batter Up!

Postby pkpop » Sat Aug 21, 2010 3:41 pm

"It was then I realized that law school was the correct choice for me"

Isn't a phrase like this generally looked down on when writing your personal statement? It seems too close to a "...and it was in that moment I knew I wanted to be a lawyer."

ashore
Posts: 3
Joined: Thu Jul 29, 2010 6:53 pm

Re: Batter Up!

Postby ashore » Tue Aug 24, 2010 5:13 pm

Boom. Paragraphs added. Thanks for all the previous responses.




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