First Draft of a PS (V2)

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Nulli Secundus
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First Draft of a PS (V2)

Postby Nulli Secundus » Fri Aug 20, 2010 10:07 am

I made a new thread, because the old one became confusing with people commenting on old versions and so on & forth.

The following version is actually a return to the mechanical tone in the first statement, because I think it better represents who I am, desire is irrelevant, I am a machine.

Anyhow, it is also written for Harvard (shoot high, fail in epic proportions), so if you want to waste forum space with comments like "Like you would ever get into HLS" "LOL" etc., feel free, as long as someone else makes a constructive comment.

*****

In September 2009, I was sitting in a conference room at National Audit Office of Norway, invited as the sole representative of Turkey, to make a presentation about the current status of Joint Strike Fighter Project in Turkey. Previous attendees warned me that conference had been boring, but I knew that was only because they were inadequately prepared and blamed that on our limited legal framework of audit. Instead of focusing on our weaknesses, in close collaboration with Ministry of Defense, I prepared a presentation detailing the robust decision making process allowing Turkey to be one of the few countries to have finalized the decision to procure the aircraft along with the USA and the UK. Presentation pleasantly surprised my colleagues, accustomed to the Turkish representative staying silent and generally not contributing, citing legal framework issues.

That and the subsequent meeting in London were highlights of my career at TCA and while for some patiently waiting for the next highlight until retirement is acceptable, not trying to utilize the limited time one has to the fullest extent made possible by one’s potential is very counterintuitive. I enjoy my daily work, regularity audit; but due to outdated regulations regarding audit methodology, instead of a modern audit utilizing computers, like what I experienced first-hand during my internship at Deloitte; we have to sift through paper copies of transaction records, usually tens of thousand pages; a problem exacerbated by the fact that all entities actually utilize computer systems but are required to print the documents out for audit purposes.

My job closely parallels practice of law, in the sense of determining facts and which laws and regulations apply to the specific case and in the event of a conflict between regulations, understanding the essence of the law, intention of the legislature and finally, preparing the report to be tried in Chambers of Turkish Court of Accounts. I would like continue doing the same thing, however in the dynamic and challenging environment of the private sector.

Switching to private sector in my country is not possible, since there is no concept of a graduate school in Turkey and practice of law is possible only with a law degree, I would need to go through undergraduate again, having pretty much the same options as 22 year olds at 33.

I also would like my job to be closely related to corporations and to my major of Business Administration, particularly what I really liked about it; meaning finance and the analytical aspects that I excelled at. Thus, after having made the switch to private sector, I plan working in Corporate Law area, and this is why I feel; with myriad options presented to students, the excellent idea of programs of study, specifically “Law and Business” and my inexplicable feeling that the emphasis on bringing together a diverse student body is stronger at Harvard than its peers, Harvard Law School would be perfect for me.

I am fully aware of the challenges ahead, from law school education to braving the legal market as a foreign national in this economy; motivated by the need for a change and bringing about the said change while it is still possible, XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX (TO BE CONCLUDED)

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Horchata
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Re: First Draft of a PS (V2)

Postby Horchata » Fri Aug 20, 2010 2:46 pm

I really like the first paragraph - it grabbed my attention well.

For me, the second paragraph really detracted from the message of the whole essay. It could be shortened because it's really not that important or talk about something else. Also, this sentence:

not trying to utilize the limited time one has to the fullest extent made possible by one’s potential is very counterintuitive
is weird. Definitely re-word.

I think you can work-in a different paragraph (instead of the current second par.) about your job, but in more general terms: how your job at TCA (btw, define this before you use the acronym) is important; how it relates to the safety of the country; but only devote a small part about how it is unsatisfying and why you want to move on into the field of law.

Just my 2 cents. Good luck

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billyez
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Re: First Draft of a PS (V2)

Postby billyez » Fri Aug 20, 2010 4:59 pm

I like this one much more than your previous drafts.

- Unless you're actually going to discuss what happened in London that made it such a good experience, I don't see what it adds to the PS. When I reread it, I just felt like it was an open hole; I just heard about one rather interesting event. You then allude to another event very early on in your second paragraph (not only do you allude to it, you put it in the same area of importance as the event you just described) and then never mention it again. If that's going to be the case, don't mention it at all and just stick to the event you just outlined.

I don't really like the second paragraph either...there are some aspects of it that are just a little befuddling.

I enjoy my daily work, regularity audit; but due to outdated regulations regarding audit methodology, instead of a modern audit utilizing computers, like what I experienced first-hand during my internship at Deloitte; we have to sift through paper copies of transaction records, usually tens of thousand pages; a problem exacerbated by the fact that all entities actually utilize computer systems but are required to print the documents out for audit purposes.


Not only is this an unnecessarily long sentence, but I really don't know what you're saying in regards to the tinted section. I'm assuming that you're saying that you're daily work is that of a "regularity auditor". If that's the case, just say that. "I enjoy my daily work as a regularity auditor. But due..." and so on and so forth. If I'm incorrect in trying to understanding what you're trying to say, well, that only drives home the point that you're not being clear here. The use of the first semi-colon also seems a little odd.

Where's Deloitte? Well, okay, I was curious and now I know what you're talking about. Actually, disregard my point then - they'll be able to look at your resume and see what Deloitte is.

I think the only semi-colon that should remain is the last one. I think "have" should be "had" - you don't work at Deloitte anymore right? ;)

Let me ask...what the point's of the phrase after the last semi-colon? I just think it's extraneous. You've already given us insight into what you're internship entailed. I'd advocate moving on after that.

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Nulli Secundus
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Re: First Draft of a PS (V2)

Postby Nulli Secundus » Fri Aug 20, 2010 6:18 pm

Actually what I am trying to say there is not what my internship entailed:

Its like,

- I was an intern at Deloitte, they did the audit job with computers there, as its meant to be
- While where I work, we do it working on paper copies of records instead of using computers
- Government institutions we audit actually use computers.
- But due to lame regulations they have to print out records to show to us.
- This is lame.

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Nulli Secundus
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Re: First Draft of a PS (V2)

Postby Nulli Secundus » Sat Aug 21, 2010 11:47 am

In September 2008, I was sitting in a conference room at National Audit Office of Norway, invited as the sole representative of Turkey, to make a presentation about the current status of Joint Strike Fighter (JSF) Project in Turkey. Previous attendees warned me that conference had been boring, but I knew that was only because they were inadequately prepared and blamed that on our limited legal framework of audit. Instead of focusing on our weaknesses, in close collaboration with Ministry of Defense, I prepared a presentation detailing the robust decision making process allowing Turkey to be one of the few countries to have finalized the decision to procure the aircraft along with the USA and the UK. Presentation pleasantly surprised my colleagues, accustomed to the Turkish representative staying silent and generally not contributing, citing legal framework issues.

That and the subsequent JSF meeting in London were highlights of my career at Turkish Court of Accounts and while for some patiently waiting for the next highlight until retirement is acceptable, and I actually enjoy my daily work, regularity audit; a change is required due to outdated regulations regarding audit methodology, which forces auditors to sift through paper copies of transaction records, usually tens of thousand pages, instead of a modern audit utilizing computer systems similar to what I experienced first-hand during my internship at Deloitte. This problem is exacerbated by the fact that all entities we audit actually use computer systems but are required to print the documents out for audit purposes.

My job closely parallels practice of law, in the sense of determining facts and which laws and regulations apply to the specific case and in the event of a conflict between regulations, understanding the essence of the law, intention of the legislature and finally, preparing the report to be tried in Chambers of TCA. I want to continue doing the same thing, however in the dynamic and challenging environment of the private sector. Switching to private sector in my country is not possible, since there is no concept of a graduate school in Turkey and practice of law is possible only with a law degree, I would need to go through undergraduate again, having the same options as 22 year olds at 33.

Also, I want my job to be closely related to corporations and to my major of Business Administration, particularly to what I really liked about it; meaning finance and the analytical aspects that I excelled at. Thus, after making the switch to private sector, I plan working in Corporate Law area, and due to myriad options presented to students, the excellent idea of programs of study, specifically “Law and Business” and my inexplicable feeling that the emphasis on bringing together a diverse student body is stronger at Harvard than its peers, I feel Harvard Law School would be perfect for me.

I am fully aware of the challenges ahead, from law school education to braving the legal market in this economy as a foreign national; motivated by the need for a change and bringing about the said change while it is still possible, XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX (TO BE CONCLUDED)

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Nulli Secundus
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Joined: Mon Jun 21, 2010 7:19 am

Re: First Draft of a PS (V2)

Postby Nulli Secundus » Sat Aug 21, 2010 3:14 pm

Any comments for the 2nd version?

CanadianWolf
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Re: First Draft of a PS (V2)

Postby CanadianWolf » Mon Aug 23, 2010 4:05 pm

The difficulty in reading your essay is that you really do not have a central compelling theme to guide your writing, which is exactly why you are having difficulty formulating a concluding paragraph.
Too much of your writing is focused on facts that offer little insight into who you are, what motivates you & how you view the world. My impression is that law school is little more than a career change for you because you are bored with your current position & prospects. In short, too many facts, too little insight.
Perhaps it would help if you understood the level of prestige & expectations accorded US attorneys.




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