PS Help

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
alexost
Posts: 12
Joined: Mon Sep 28, 2009 9:21 pm

PS Help

Postby alexost » Wed Aug 18, 2010 1:28 am

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Last edited by alexost on Wed Aug 18, 2010 10:50 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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ArchRoark
Posts: 1000
Joined: Sat Jul 03, 2010 2:53 pm

Re: PS Help

Postby ArchRoark » Wed Aug 18, 2010 2:21 am

You do a lot of telling with not much showing.

The traits I’ve learned and developed through my father are what define me. From the beginning, my father has taught me how to work with dedication, meet society with compassion, and face the world with courage. With these three seemingly simple attributes, I have been able to meet education curriculums with success, construct lasting bonds with acquaintances and strangers, and create a lasting impression on my city through volunteering.


Where/how did you volunteer? Give us an instance of your dedication/compassion/courage.

I understand that your father was huge influence on your life. After reading this I come away knowing more about your dad then you... which isn't good imho.

cartercl
Posts: 454
Joined: Wed Apr 01, 2009 1:08 am

Re: PS Help

Postby cartercl » Wed Aug 18, 2010 2:36 am

I think the topic is good; however, I don't think you do enough with it. I agree with the poster above. You don't state exactly how you learn these things ("the traits I've learned and developed...") from your father's situation, only that you have learned them. This diminishes the fact that you make your father's struggles the focus of your PS. I'm just not able to make the connection, although I clearly understand what you're trying to do. You leave too much to the imagination. I think you need to provide more concrete examples of how your father has influenced your life.

Also, what hardships have you faced? How did your father's handling of his situation influence how you handled your hardships? Again, you leave several questions to be answered. I think you can do so much more with this. Make it happen!

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MiamiUG
Posts: 71
Joined: Fri Jul 31, 2009 11:14 pm

Re: PS Help

Postby MiamiUG » Wed Aug 18, 2010 2:45 am

cartercl wrote:I think the topic is good; however, I don't think you do enough with it. I agree with the poster above. You don't state exactly how you learn these things ("the traits I've learned and developed...") from your father's situation, only that you have learned them. This diminishes the fact that you make your father's struggles the focus of your PS. I'm just not able to make the connection, although I clearly understand what you're trying to do. You leave too much to the imagination. I think you need to provide more concrete examples of how your father has influenced your life.

Also, what hardships have you faced? How did your father's handling of his situation influence how you handled your hardships? Again, you leave several questions to be answered. I think you can do so much more with this. Make it happen!


Law schools don't care, unless you're applying to Stanford or Yale I wouldn't worry too much. Try not to use the N-word.

cartercl
Posts: 454
Joined: Wed Apr 01, 2009 1:08 am

Re: PS Help

Postby cartercl » Wed Aug 18, 2010 2:52 am

MiamiUG wrote:
cartercl wrote:I think the topic is good; however, I don't think you do enough with it. I agree with the poster above. You don't state exactly how you learn these things ("the traits I've learned and developed...") from your father's situation, only that you have learned them. This diminishes the fact that you make your father's struggles the focus of your PS. I'm just not able to make the connection, although I clearly understand what you're trying to do. You leave too much to the imagination. I think you need to provide more concrete examples of how your father has influenced your life.

Also, what hardships have you faced? How did your father's handling of his situation influence how you handled your hardships? Again, you leave several questions to be answered. I think you can do so much more with this. Make it happen!


Law schools don't care, unless you're applying to Stanford or Yale I wouldn't worry too much. Try not to use the N-word.


Yeah, well not everyone has a 3.9/177 to put on their apps. (That's awesome btw; not knocking you at all.) A well written PS could be the difference between admission and rejection for borderline students. I just don't think adcomm members spend their time reading them for no reason.

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MiamiUG
Posts: 71
Joined: Fri Jul 31, 2009 11:14 pm

Re: PS Help

Postby MiamiUG » Wed Aug 18, 2010 2:54 am

cartercl wrote:
MiamiUG wrote:
cartercl wrote:I think the topic is good; however, I don't think you do enough with it. I agree with the poster above. You don't state exactly how you learn these things ("the traits I've learned and developed...") from your father's situation, only that you have learned them. This diminishes the fact that you make your father's struggles the focus of your PS. I'm just not able to make the connection, although I clearly understand what you're trying to do. You leave too much to the imagination. I think you need to provide more concrete examples of how your father has influenced your life.

Also, what hardships have you faced? How did your father's handling of his situation influence how you handled your hardships? Again, you leave several questions to be answered. I think you can do so much more with this. Make it happen!


Law schools don't care, unless you're applying to Stanford or Yale I wouldn't worry too much. Try not to use the N-word.


Yeah, well not everyone has a 3.9/177 to put on their apps. (That's awesome btw; not knocking you at all.) A well written PS could be the difference between admission and rejection for borderline students. I just don't think adcomm members spend their time reading them for no reason.


was trying to be funny, now feel like a dick. ah

alexost
Posts: 12
Joined: Mon Sep 28, 2009 9:21 pm

Re: PS Help

Postby alexost » Wed Aug 18, 2010 6:07 pm

Tiva wrote:You do a lot of telling with not much showing.

The traits I’ve learned and developed through my father are what define me. From the beginning, my father has taught me how to work with dedication, meet society with compassion, and face the world with courage. With these three seemingly simple attributes, I have been able to meet education curriculums with success, construct lasting bonds with acquaintances and strangers, and create a lasting impression on my city through volunteering.


Where/how did you volunteer? Give us an instance of your dedication/compassion/courage.

I understand that your father was huge influence on your life. After reading this I come away knowing more about your dad then you... which isn't good imho.


How can I incorporate more about myself into the statement without losing focus? I share the same concerns as you, as it seems to be missing a core body paragraph and some connecting sentences.

alexost
Posts: 12
Joined: Mon Sep 28, 2009 9:21 pm

Re: PS Help

Postby alexost » Wed Aug 18, 2010 6:11 pm

cartercl wrote:I think the topic is good; however, I don't think you do enough with it. I agree with the poster above. You don't state exactly how you learn these things ("the traits I've learned and developed...") from your father's situation, only that you have learned them. This diminishes the fact that you make your father's struggles the focus of your PS. I'm just not able to make the connection, although I clearly understand what you're trying to do. You leave too much to the imagination. I think you need to provide more concrete examples of how your father has influenced your life.

Also, what hardships have you faced? How did your father's handling of his situation influence how you handled your hardships? Again, you leave several questions to be answered. I think you can do so much more with this. Make it happen!


By adding more about how I learned specific traits, will that be adding more focus on him, or allow me space to write about me?

Due to my father, I haven't had many hardships in my life. Any hardships I've faced are minimal compared to his and primarily deal with the struggle I've had between work, school, and supporting myself. It doesn't seem important enough to include in a personal statement, right?

Thanks for all the help so far!!!

cartercl
Posts: 454
Joined: Wed Apr 01, 2009 1:08 am

Re: PS Help

Postby cartercl » Wed Aug 18, 2010 8:58 pm

alexost wrote:By adding more about how I learned specific traits, will that be adding more focus on him, or allow me space to write about me?

Due to my father, I haven't had many hardships in my life. Any hardships I've faced are minimal compared to his and primarily deal with the struggle I've had between work, school, and supporting myself. It doesn't seem important enough to include in a personal statement, right?

Thanks for all the help so far!!!


Question then. If you say you haven't had many hardships in your life due to your father, why is it that you say this is your closing paragraph:

alexost wrote: The hardships I have faced have undeniably shaped me into a dedicated and compassionate person, always striving for excellence and the chance to make a difference. Through these experiences, I have grown into the person I always strived to become.


If these "minimal" hardships aren't important enough for you to include in your personal statement, how exactly do you plan on articulating the effects your hardships have had on who you have become? These two sentences make is sound like you are talking about experiences/hardships outside of the one with your father; however you provide no support for these conclusory statements. To the reader, it seems as you said, that you "haven't had many hardships in life" and "Any hardships I've faced are minimal compared to his..." So then I ask myself, why do you say this? And we're back to square one.

Reading your statement, it seems the only hardship you are referring to is the situation with your father (which is definitely a difficult situation) in which case you need to specify that and, once again, explain exactly how what he went through molded you into who you are.

There are definitely some dots that need to be connected here. If you go with this topic, you're not going to have any choice but to discuss your father a bit more since your main premise is that who you are as a person is directly affected by who he is as a person and what he went through.

You say this:

The traits I’ve learned and developed through my father are what define me. From the beginning, my father has taught me how to work with dedication, meet society with compassion, and face the world with courage.


What do these statements mean? From the beginning of what, your life or your father's situation? If it's the former you're going to have a tough time expressing how your hardships have molded you into a "dedicated and compassionate person" when it appears you have always had the tools to be that way. Now I'm sure you mean the latter, but that's just an example of how vague some of this is. You have a few things in here that are ambiguous and subject to interpretation and you don't want that.

I'm not trying to give you a hard time, just trying to show you how easily people find the little things. I think you discuss your father, the man, here when instead your focus should be narrowed on your father's experience with multiple sclerosis and exactly what you took away from it. This way you can discuss your father, but also shift the focus to yourself. Just my opinion though.

alexost
Posts: 12
Joined: Mon Sep 28, 2009 9:21 pm

Re: PS Help

Postby alexost » Wed Aug 18, 2010 10:51 pm

cartercl, thank you for a very thorough critique. I will apply your thoughts to link the pieces and make my PS stronger.




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