Medical - PS HELP please!!!

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Joined: Tue Aug 17, 2010 5:08 pm

Medical - PS HELP please!!!

Postby TiffanyHunter10 » Tue Aug 17, 2010 5:11 pm

What about this for a PS? This is the first rough rough rough draft! I don't know if it's a topic worth pursuing or if I should try and focus on something else I am a passionate about - like traveling, which has thus inspired me to pursue a career in international law...

Three months ago, I sat on the cold, plastic covered examination table. Waves of nervousness flooding my stomach as I attempted to wait patiently for the doctor. Twirling my hair and tapping my feet in anticipation I tried to diverge my thoughts and focus on the serene pictures on the wall. I did not want to think about what would happen when I’d hear the faint footsteps in the hall grow louder, when the silver door knob would slowly turn downward, when the doctor would come in and calmly, unemotionally deliver the baffling and depressing news – no longer would I be able to enjoy my greatest passion, no longer would I be able to play basketball.

Four weeks prior, I had been squatting under 200 pounds of weight, the metal bar digging into my shoulders, my legs quivering and sweat dripping down my red face. I was pushing, gruniting, pushing – attempting to focus on the image in the reflecting mirror – girls jumping, clapping and cheering. As I made that final heave upwards, smashing the bar onto the ledge, I felt more than 200 pounds lighter, I felt victorious. My teammates rushed around me, high-fiving and screaming out congratulations. I had excelled – I had beaten my previous score. My coach grabbed my arm, dead stare into my eyes: “Tiffany, I am so proud of you. You’re more then a basketball player, you’re a star player.” I dedicated myself to a goal, worked hard and suceeded. I felt as though I had died and gone to Heaven.

Now leaving the doctor’s office. I felt as though I had died and fallen into casket, six feet under. Nothing but dirt and blackness. I was empty. The victorious feelings I had experienced in the wieght room were nothing but faint memories. As I shuffled my feet out of the office I caught a glimpse in mirrors of the parked cars – my face was unrecongnizable under the bruising, stitches and braces. I grabbed onto a nearby car, trying to steady myself, as I sobbed and let my body crumble down.

This was not supposed to happen to me. I am not that person. Yet to my surprise, I was.Years of hard work, dedication and devotion to the game of basketball was viciously torn away from me because of a single accident. Basketball was more than a game. Basketball was my life, and through the countless seasons of wins, losses, trophies, sprints, broken ankles, newspaper articles, sweat, tears, and blood – this game had taught me everything I now know. From basketball I became a stronger women, a leader, more tenacious in achieving my goals. Through the painful sprints, and workouts, I learned the true definition of hardwork. I was able to accumulate a lifetime of knowledge through this game, which then pertained to every aspect of my life. I became a better student, competitive and dedicated to my studies and grades. Through basketball I became a better person. I learned the importance of cooperation, team work, and ethical behavior. Basketball was more than a game to me, more than a passion or commitment. Basketball became my mentor. And similar to the death of a loved one, the news informing me of the inability of me to play was like attending a funeral. As I laid on the asphault, my body heaving and tears steaming down my face I felt a complete loss.

It is exactly five months since I received the devestating news. Although sadness and despare is still lodged in my heart, the knowledge I learned from basketball still remains. This knowledge has animated many aspects of my life from my commitment to my grades to my active involvement as vice president of the National Honor Society. Through my role as vice president of Phi Sigma Theta, the UCSD chapter of the National Honor Society, I am responsible for ensuring the current and long term financial position of the chapter. As well as responsibility for chapter growth and envolvement. Ensuring that all my fellow members were informed often entrailed research into all areas of not only our chapter but other national chapters as well. The dedication and devotion I learned from basketball still remains and is alive in my sorority Pi Beta Phi and my active involvement in our national philanthropy First Book. Through Pi Beta Phi, I was able to organize many events, including a heavily broadcasted surf competition, that resulted in over 20,000 dollars being donated to improve literacy throught out America. I have worked closely with a high-powered criminal defense attorney and have learned a great deal about legal proceedings. I was responsible for case research and greatly contributed to jury member selection for trial cases. I have particpated and seen the law in action, and I am greatly intrigiued by the intricacy, knowledge and justice of the legal system.

My study of the legal profression extends to my interest in applying it towards international issues. Since early childhood I have traveled to India , Europe, Australia , Canada and Mexico , and along the way learned of the vast challenges and rewards faced by various groups all over the globe. I’ve witnessed and learned about the effects of politics, economy and international policies in the lives of these people and came to understand that the world is a pod of six billion minds, interconnected by the world of business and politics. In order to gain better understanding I have attended conferences of the California senate and house politicians, interviewed employees at the San Diego World Trade Center , discussed the economy with real estate development project managers in Mexico , and have explored internship opportunities with various international businesses and international law firms. My intent is to gain a complete understanding of the complex economic, political and legal issues facing our world today. Through obtaining a legal degree in international law I would like to spend time traveling the world and directly experience the problems facing global society. Through these first hand experiences, and the determination, tenacity and leadership that I learned from basketball, I believe, I will have the core qualities that consitute a great attorney.

Though I still experience the pain of my inability to compete in basketball, I have engrained and treasure the knowledge and lessons I have learned. I know that I cannot change the past and the pain I have experienced, however I do know I can help make a global change. I feel an obligation to make the biggest difference that I can. With my knowledge of international law and by using it to address the economic, legal and political problems across the globe, I will help build a better society. As a law student at _________, I look forward to working with ___________, and _____________. Just like my basketball experience, I am excited to join this institution, further my passion for law and learn all the pieces of the legal game.

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Eugenie Danglars
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Re: Medical - PS HELP please!!!

Postby Eugenie Danglars » Tue Aug 17, 2010 11:33 pm

Until the last paragraph, I really just felt sad for you. Even though you detail your accomplishments in other groups, I got the message you felt you were settling since you couldn't play basketball. The paragraph about national honor society and then about international law are good, but they seem disconnected from the rest of the essay.

Also, I couldn't help but notice how the entire PS covers only five or six months of your life. If this is what you want to talk about, go for it, but you might want to tone down the time references because it feels a little shallow.

Try to focus more on the positive and really flesh out how this experience has changed you earlier on in the PS. You might want to write a one sentence thesis or purpose at the top of your paper for your reference and remember to tie every new idea back into that same purpose.

There are also quite a few small grammar errors, but they're probably not worth getting into until you have the content and structure the way you like it.

Good luck :-)

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Joined: Tue Aug 17, 2010 5:08 pm

Re: Medical - PS HELP please!!!

Postby TiffanyHunter10 » Wed Aug 18, 2010 12:14 am

Thanks! I think I'm actually going to just start all over with a new topic. This whole process is the most stressful for me. I have a real passion for traveling and since a young age I have been exposed to different cultures and perspectives - a real reason why I want to pursue an international law career - could I just talk about that? Or should I really focus on my qualities of leadership, dedication, etc? Thank you for all your help!!

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