Diversity statement.....help. 2nd draft

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
crossingforHYS
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Diversity statement.....help. 2nd draft

Postby crossingforHYS » Mon Aug 16, 2010 11:18 am

edit: will post third draft when done:).
Last edited by crossingforHYS on Tue Aug 17, 2010 12:05 pm, edited 4 times in total.

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TommyK
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Re: Diversity statement.....help.

Postby TommyK » Mon Aug 16, 2010 11:31 am

Neat story, but you zig zag around. It starts off talking about Karl Marx - outside the scope. It also comes of as romanticizing communism. Communism sucks in theory and in practice. It wasn't just flawed in execution. It's falwed from conception. (whoops - sorry random tangent).

I think it's compelling that you were born in the USSR. I think it's compelling that you faced discrimination and more-than-average angst because of your religion, and by being an immigrant. I think it's compelling for your grandfather that he was in WWII. It's not compelling for you though. Focus on the religious, cultural, and country differences.

I would say start from scratch - it would be much harder to repair it, than to build from the bottom up again.

crossingforHYS
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Re: Diversity statement.....help.

Postby crossingforHYS » Mon Aug 16, 2010 11:35 am

TommyK wrote:Neat story, but you zig zag around. It starts off talking about Karl Marx - outside the scope. It also comes of as romanticizing communism. Communism sucks in theory and in practice. It wasn't just flawed in execution. It's falwed from conception. (whoops - sorry random tangent).

I think it's compelling that you were born in the USSR. I think it's compelling that you faced discrimination and more-than-average angst because of your religion, and by being an immigrant. I think it's compelling for your grandfather that he was in WWII. It's not compelling for you though. Focus on the religious, cultural, and country differences.

I would say start from scratch - it would be much harder to repair it, than to build from the bottom up again.

Thank you! I think I'll try to start over....should I focus more on growing up as an immigrant or is it too common of a story?

by the by appreciate the marx tangent :)....I didnt realize I came off loving communism in the beg.

CanadianWolf
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Re: Diversity statement.....help.

Postby CanadianWolf » Mon Aug 16, 2010 11:49 am

Different readers will have different opinions. I think your diversity statement is great. Very effective.
You may find two books written in the 1970s interesting: The Russians by New York Times Moscow correspondent Hedrick Smith & Russia: Its Power & People by the Washington Post Moscow correspondent Robert G. Kaiser. Both share similiar stories & insights. Between the two, The Russians received more acclaim.

There are a few minor errors, but overall I found your essay to be very persuasive.

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TommyK
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Re: Diversity statement.....help.

Postby TommyK » Mon Aug 16, 2010 11:50 am

crossingforHYS wrote:
TommyK wrote:Neat story, but you zig zag around. It starts off talking about Karl Marx - outside the scope. It also comes of as romanticizing communism. Communism sucks in theory and in practice. It wasn't just flawed in execution. It's falwed from conception. (whoops - sorry random tangent).

I think it's compelling that you were born in the USSR. I think it's compelling that you faced discrimination and more-than-average angst because of your religion, and by being an immigrant. I think it's compelling for your grandfather that he was in WWII. It's not compelling for you though. Focus on the religious, cultural, and country differences.

I would say start from scratch - it would be much harder to repair it, than to build from the bottom up again.

Thank you! I think I'll try to start over....should I focus more on growing up as an immigrant or is it too common of a story?

by the by appreciate the marx tangent :)....I didnt realize I came off loving communism in the beg.


Oh, that's money. Sure, plenty of people are not US-born, but far from too common. You probably saw poverty to the level that 99% of the people on this board has never seen. You saw a legal and administrative system that was so corrupt that it couldn't feed its people. That shaped your world view. And in my opinion - that's exactly what adcomms look for in diversity statement - that you'll be able to approach issues in class from a different perspective and enrich the discussions.

crossingforHYS
Posts: 702
Joined: Sun Nov 01, 2009 10:23 pm

Re: Diversity statement.....help.

Postby crossingforHYS » Mon Aug 16, 2010 11:57 am

TommyK wrote:
crossingforHYS wrote:
TommyK wrote:Neat story, but you zig zag around. It starts off talking about Karl Marx - outside the scope. It also comes of as romanticizing communism. Communism sucks in theory and in practice. It wasn't just flawed in execution. It's falwed from conception. (whoops - sorry random tangent).

I think it's compelling that you were born in the USSR. I think it's compelling that you faced discrimination and more-than-average angst because of your religion, and by being an immigrant. I think it's compelling for your grandfather that he was in WWII. It's not compelling for you though. Focus on the religious, cultural, and country differences.

I would say start from scratch - it would be much harder to repair it, than to build from the bottom up again.

Thank you! I think I'll try to start over....should I focus more on growing up as an immigrant or is it too common of a story?

by the by appreciate the marx tangent :)....I didnt realize I came off loving communism in the beg.


Oh, that's money. Sure, plenty of people are not US-born, but far from too common. You probably saw poverty to the level that 99% of the people on this board has never seen. You saw a legal and administrative system that was so corrupt that it couldn't feed its people. That shaped your world view. And in my opinion - that's exactly what adcomms look for in diversity statement - that you'll be able to approach issues in class from a different perspective and enrich the discussions.

Thank you!!!!!!!!!! that helps a lot!

and thank you Canadian Wolf...I actually read the latter book...not the former tough :(

crossingforHYS
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Joined: Sun Nov 01, 2009 10:23 pm

Re: Diversity statement.....help. 2nd draft

Postby crossingforHYS » Mon Aug 16, 2010 11:53 pm

just did a 2nd draft...if anyone wants to comment :).


shameless bump...

CanadianWolf
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Re: Diversity statement.....help. 2nd draft

Postby CanadianWolf » Tue Aug 17, 2010 12:41 am

After rereading the second draft, it seems fine. Not quite as effective as the first draft, but you certainly make your point in a concise manner.
The phrase "...where currency was constantly changing" needs to be clarified.

"...a classmate from whom others will be able to learn."

After a third read, I have purged the earlier version from my mind & realize that this draft is very well written although not as enjoyable to read & less subtle, but effective.

crossingforHYS
Posts: 702
Joined: Sun Nov 01, 2009 10:23 pm

Re: Diversity statement.....help. 2nd draft

Postby crossingforHYS » Tue Aug 17, 2010 1:35 am

CanadianWolf wrote:After rereading the second draft, it seems fine. Not quite as effective as the first draft, but you certainly make your point in a concise manner.
The phrase "...where currency was constantly changing" needs to be clarified.

"...a classmate from whom others will be able to learn."

After a third read, I have purged the earlier version from my mind & realize that this draft is very well written although not as enjoyable to read & less subtle, but effective.

Thank you! I really appreciate the feedback!

WestOfTheRest
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Re: Diversity statement.....help. 2nd draft

Postby WestOfTheRest » Tue Aug 17, 2010 2:19 am

I don't like the way you incorporate the opening into the essay:

I did not know the meaning of poverty until I came to the United States. In the Soviet Union there was no such thing as a middle class or a wealthy family, at least not one that I knew.


You just threw this in there as a way to open the essay, but you never really return to it. The essay has to come full circle for the reader to feel fulfilled and you definitely have not done this. Either lose this opening or else incorporate it into you essay to a greater extent. Also, I think the word "instantaneously" would sound better as just "instantly." As it is now I am getting hung up on that word because it seems out of place to me. Just a suggestion though.

Other than that, I enjoyed reading your essay. It is well written and gets the point accross.




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