PS Rough Draft--Input/Feedback Please!

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
DreamShake
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PS Rough Draft--Input/Feedback Please!

Postby DreamShake » Mon Aug 16, 2010 12:09 am

Thanks for the comments everyone!
Last edited by DreamShake on Tue Aug 17, 2010 6:46 pm, edited 3 times in total.

CanadianWolf
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Re: PS Rough Draft--Input/Feedback Please!

Postby CanadianWolf » Mon Aug 16, 2010 12:26 pm

Impressive & convincing. The strength is in the honesty & maturity of your insights. Well written except for the last paragraph.

CONSIDER: ending with "I do, however, look forward to the challenge."

DELETE: The other two sentences which reference a particular law school. Don't throw away the maturation gained from your experiences & skilfully shared in your personal statement by an excessively gooey, almost child-like ending.

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ArchRoark
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Re: PS Rough Draft--Input/Feedback Please!

Postby ArchRoark » Mon Aug 16, 2010 1:06 pm

What did you get arrested/convicted of?

DreamShake
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Re: PS Rough Draft--Input/Feedback Please!

Postby DreamShake » Mon Aug 16, 2010 1:31 pm

.
Last edited by DreamShake on Sun Oct 13, 2013 6:16 am, edited 2 times in total.

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maxm2764
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Re: PS Rough Draft--Input/Feedback Please!

Postby maxm2764 » Mon Aug 16, 2010 1:36 pm

Just to let you know, CandianWolf is fucking with you. Look at his post history and the sarcasm will become more evident.

CanadianWolf
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Re: PS Rough Draft--Input/Feedback Please!

Postby CanadianWolf » Mon Aug 16, 2010 1:40 pm

No, I am not. The irony, however, is that the above poster is.

DreamShake
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Re: PS Rough Draft--Input/Feedback Please!

Postby DreamShake » Mon Aug 16, 2010 1:43 pm

CanadianWolf wrote:No, I am not. The irony, however, is that the above poster is.


My conclusion, too.


TLS mischief...

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ArchRoark
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Re: PS Rough Draft--Input/Feedback Please!

Postby ArchRoark » Mon Aug 16, 2010 1:55 pm

DreamShake wrote:
Tiva wrote:What did you get arrested/convicted of?


I'm not sure how that's relevant to the PS--I describe the crime in an addendum. I recognize that difference crimes have varying implications for admittance to the Bar, but that's a topic for another day. If you really want to know, PM me.


As a reader this keeps popping up into my mind. Do you want the adcomm to flip between your PS and your addendum?

My only concern is that at times I feel you cast yourself as a victim.

CanadianWolf
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Re: PS Rough Draft--Input/Feedback Please!

Postby CanadianWolf » Mon Aug 16, 2010 1:58 pm

I agree with the OP that the offense is not relevant & that it would detract from the essay's message.
The OP's main point is that the criminal justice system has far reaching consequences beyond legislated penalties & that some of these consequences hamper reform & make recidivism more likely.
The US has the highest percentage of its population carrying criminal convictions of any country in the world.

lakerfanimal
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Re: PS Rough Draft--Input/Feedback Please!

Postby lakerfanimal » Mon Aug 16, 2010 2:13 pm

I think this is good, seems personal and you address what might be a weakness thoughtfully. I thought the third paragraph would end up being one of those resume paragraphs, but you kept it pretty brief, and talked about how it affected you.

DreamShake
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Re: PS Rough Draft--Input/Feedback Please!

Postby DreamShake » Mon Aug 16, 2010 2:16 pm

Tiva wrote:
DreamShake wrote:
Tiva wrote:What did you get arrested/convicted of?


I'm not sure how that's relevant to the PS--I describe the crime in an addendum. I recognize that difference crimes have varying implications for admittance to the Bar, but that's a topic for another day. If you really want to know, PM me.


As a reader this keeps popping up into my mind. Do you want the adcomm to flip between your PS and your addendum?

My only concern is that at times I feel you cast yourself as a victim.


The addendum is brief, so I figure any adcomm will just consult it quickly and return to the PS. Which part(s) do you think cast me as a victim/do you have any suggestions on alterations?

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ArchRoark
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Re: PS Rough Draft--Input/Feedback Please!

Postby ArchRoark » Mon Aug 16, 2010 2:26 pm

DreamShake wrote:The addendum is brief, so I figure any adcomm will just consult it quickly and return to the PS. Which part(s) do you think cast me as a victim/do you have any suggestions on alterations?


Well, I just re-read it. I think it is very well written and I am not sure if you can change it without losing too much of your story.

Whether I was being rejected by a dozen apartments or my landlord was trying to extort me, I constantly felt a sense of vulnerability.


who was as biased against former felons as most landlords


Anyways, be sure to check the page length requirements for the schools you are apping to. Most state a 2-page double spaced max. I am pretty sure this is over that.

DreamShake
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Re: PS Rough Draft--Input/Feedback Please!

Postby DreamShake » Mon Aug 16, 2010 2:47 pm

Thanks for the input...How does this sound in place of the first passage you quoted:

"Being rejected by a dozen apartments and then having my landlord attempt to extort me created a pervasive sense of vulnerability. That sensation morphed into..."


This is about 4 lines longer than 2 pages, double-spaced, 11 pt font, 1" margins, so I will have to trim a little bit. In the T14, I think only Harvard actually specifies those limits (and I'm not even applying there unless my retake is 178+), so I can probably fudge a little. Setting the margines to .75" puts it right at 2 pages. I've considered just lopping off the first paragraph--I added that somewhat after-the-fact on a suggestion.

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teaadntoast
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Re: PS Rough Draft--Input/Feedback Please!

Postby teaadntoast » Mon Aug 16, 2010 3:22 pm

I think this is a good start, but would advise either dramatically revising your first paragraph or scrapping it entirely. No need to waste time and space on bland boilerplate when you've got a compelling story.

This sentence should also be rewritten for grammar: "Whether I was being rejected by a dozen apartments or my landlord was trying to extort me, I constantly felt a sense of vulnerability."

I'd go with: "Being rejected by a dozen apartments and extorted by my landlord instilled a feeling of constant vulnerability." Or something like that.

DreamShake
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Re: PS Rough Draft--Input/Feedback Please!

Postby DreamShake » Mon Aug 16, 2010 3:37 pm

teaadntoast wrote:I think this is a good start, but would advise either dramatically revising your first paragraph or scrapping it entirely. No need to waste time and space on bland boilerplate when you've got a compelling story.

This sentence should also be rewritten for grammar: "Whether I was being rejected by a dozen apartments or my landlord was trying to extort me, I constantly felt a sense of vulnerability."

I'd go with: "Being rejected by a dozen apartments and extorted by my landlord instilled a feeling of constant vulnerability." Or something like that.


haha, almost identical wording to my edit in the post above yours :P


Anybody else in favor of dumping the first paragraph?

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ArchRoark
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Re: PS Rough Draft--Input/Feedback Please!

Postby ArchRoark » Mon Aug 16, 2010 3:45 pm

DreamShake wrote:
Anybody else in favor of dumping the first paragraph?


I personally don't think it adds anything to the story and I feel like your second paragraph hooks the reader quite nicely.

CanadianWolf
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Re: PS Rough Draft--Input/Feedback Please!

Postby CanadianWolf » Mon Aug 16, 2010 4:24 pm

It works either way, in my opinion, but the second paragraph really grabs the reader's attention.

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teaadntoast
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Re: PS Rough Draft--Input/Feedback Please!

Postby teaadntoast » Mon Aug 16, 2010 4:34 pm

DreamShake wrote: haha, almost identical wording to my edit in the post above yours :P


Your edit isn't parallel and is a bit awkward.

DreamShake
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Re: PS Rough Draft--Input/Feedback Please!

Postby DreamShake » Mon Aug 16, 2010 7:25 pm

Alrighty, intro paragraph is getting the kabosh (meaning the very last sentence also is). Added benefit of redicing it to exactly 2 pages, double-spaced, w/1" margins. Keep the input coming!




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