PS Rough Draft Finally Done--Any Feedback Appreciated.

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
nykfan7073
Posts: 27
Joined: Sun May 09, 2010 4:40 am

PS Rough Draft Finally Done--Any Feedback Appreciated.

Postby nykfan7073 » Fri Aug 13, 2010 5:14 am

Please PM me if your interested in taking a look..
Last edited by nykfan7073 on Sat Aug 14, 2010 9:23 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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Balthy
Posts: 668
Joined: Sat Apr 03, 2010 12:28 pm

Re: PS Rough Draft Finally Done--Any Feedback Appreciated.

Postby Balthy » Fri Aug 13, 2010 6:20 am

This sounds very boring. I'm sure it was a profound experience for you, but you have to show that with your writing, not just expect me to see it in lifeless sentences. All I'm saying is, get a little more creative. Remember that yours may be the 400th statement read. Make it more creative. Use some imagery, choose interesting words, pull me in, do something.

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DavidYurman85
Posts: 242
Joined: Fri Mar 13, 2009 10:55 am

Re: PS Rough Draft Finally Done--Any Feedback Appreciated.

Postby DavidYurman85 » Fri Aug 13, 2010 4:10 pm

It's a bit formulaic. You didn't really convince us that your "childhood was anything but normal." The statements that follow only describe your experience with the two different religions, but I was hoping to read more about growing up in Iran and details about the events that led your family to escape.

If you make it a bit more colorful, it would read a bit better.

nykfan7073
Posts: 27
Joined: Sun May 09, 2010 4:40 am

Re: PS Rough Draft Finally Done--Any Feedback Appreciated.

Postby nykfan7073 » Fri Aug 13, 2010 6:15 pm

Thanks for the help guys..Ill look into making it a bit more exciting.

Does anybody have anymore tips or opinions?

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MiamiUG
Posts: 71
Joined: Fri Jul 31, 2009 11:14 pm

Re: PS Rough Draft Finally Done--Any Feedback Appreciated.

Postby MiamiUG » Fri Aug 13, 2010 6:23 pm

nykfan7073 wrote:Thanks for the help guys..Ill look into making it a bit more exciting.

Does anybody have anymore tips or opinions?


it needs a car chase scene

nykfan7073
Posts: 27
Joined: Sun May 09, 2010 4:40 am

Re: PS Rough Draft Finally Done--Any Feedback Appreciated.

Postby nykfan7073 » Fri Aug 13, 2010 6:29 pm

MiamiUG wrote:
nykfan7073 wrote:Thanks for the help guys..Ill look into making it a bit more exciting.

Does anybody have anymore tips or opinions?


it needs a car chase scene



OK. Ill see where I can fit that in. Thanks!




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