PS, thoughts/edits appreciated

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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LegallyBlonde923
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PS, thoughts/edits appreciated

Postby LegallyBlonde923 » Fri Aug 13, 2010 1:28 am

DELETED
Last edited by LegallyBlonde923 on Mon Aug 16, 2010 1:50 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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ShuckingNotJiving
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Re: PS, thoughts/edits appreciated

Postby ShuckingNotJiving » Fri Aug 13, 2010 10:42 am

This is well-written, but has room for improvement. For your next draft I would write less about your manager and more about the Law Project.

I really liked the George Foreman Grill reference. Brought me back. However, take it out. You don't want that being the more memorable part of your essay.

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EbonyEsq
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Re: PS, thoughts/edits appreciated

Postby EbonyEsq » Fri Aug 13, 2010 2:42 pm

I personally don't like it. Its rather bland and doesn't stand out. Also, according to Anne Ivey we should avoid the "why I want to go to law school/pursue law" essay. The essay also highlights your level of privilege (ie being able to have parents who can afford an attorney) which I think you should stay clear of. Also stay clear of anything experienced in HS unless you can circle it back to your present.

I think you should further delve into your experiences with your internship and how that changed/widened your personal experience for the better.

The inmates I worked with many times had been taken advantage of by the system.


Expound on this.

And this:

Their experiences...taught me that knowledge is power and protection, igniting my desire to pursue indigent defense.



Why put yourself down here?

In my mind, each one of them could have been me, naïve and unknowledgeable about the situation that was about to transpire.


Your essay should focus on how you have improved as a person. It should not project any insecurities or negative viewpoints you have of yourself.



Just my .02.

CanadianWolf
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Re: PS, thoughts/edits appreciated

Postby CanadianWolf » Fri Aug 13, 2010 2:50 pm

Great essay. Very convincing. Well written. Shows clarity of thought. I hope that you do become a lawyer.

ADD: "if" to your phrase "...I was a single mother...".

P.S. Consider adding Northwestern to your list of law schools since it edits & publishes the most widely read journal dealing with criminal law & wrongful convictions. Also has a very active wrongful convictions clinic. The Cook County State's Attorney office is the second largest in the nation with almost 900 lawyers.

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ShuckingNotJiving
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Re: PS, thoughts/edits appreciated

Postby ShuckingNotJiving » Fri Aug 13, 2010 3:04 pm

EbonyEsq wrote:I personally don't like it. Its rather bland and doesn't stand out. Also, according to Anne Ivey we should avoid the "why I want to go to law school/pursue law" essay. The essay also highlights your level of privilege (ie being able to have parents who can afford an attorney) which I think you should stay clear of. Also stay clear of anything experienced in HS unless you can circle it back to your present.


I agree, conveying privilege is usually a thing to avoid in a PS. However, the OP acknowledges her privilege and uses it to base her reflections on how many people lack access to the resources she was fortunate enough to have. That, to me, was one of the stronger parts of the essay.

I agree that she should expound on the inmate experience. In order to do that, she needs to spend less time explicating the details of her former manager's crime.

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LegallyBlonde923
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Re: PS, thoughts/edits appreciated

Postby LegallyBlonde923 » Fri Aug 13, 2010 3:24 pm

Thank you guys very much, your advice is so helpful. Almost everyone is recommending that I cut some of the story so I can tell more about my work at the law project (I have a really great example of my interaction with a particular inmate but I can't fit it in two pages now). Can you recommend some things I could cut without losing the reader? I feel like I'm so involved that I can't objectively cut things.
Thanks! :)

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broker02
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Re: PS, thoughts/edits appreciated

Postby broker02 » Fri Aug 13, 2010 3:40 pm

You misspelled George Foreman's name. It's minor, but I'm a stickler for grammar and spelling (and I'd imagine the adcomms are too).




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