Final Draft (I hope!) Please Comment!!

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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Barbie
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Final Draft (I hope!) Please Comment!!

Postby Barbie » Thu Aug 12, 2010 8:54 pm

Final draft, hopefully, is below. Please let me know any final critiques. I have used a variety of very helpful comments from a ton of TLSers to construct this version (obviously a lot of comments/critiques were conflicting so I had to work with what I thought (and again, hope) worked best!) Thanks in advance :) :)
Last edited by Barbie on Tue Sep 21, 2010 4:06 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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ArchRoark
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Re: Final Draft (I hope!) Please Comment!!

Postby ArchRoark » Thu Aug 12, 2010 9:02 pm

I think it is great. I am sure it will be a great asset to your application.

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Barbie
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Re: Final Draft (I hope!) Please Comment!!

Postby Barbie » Thu Aug 12, 2010 9:16 pm

Tiva wrote:I think it is great. I am sure it will be a great asset to your application.


thanks
:)

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Dany
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Re: Final Draft (I hope!) Please Comment!!

Postby Dany » Thu Aug 12, 2010 9:27 pm

I was kind of expecting this to be awful (with the Barbie name, avatar, and all the exclamation points you usually use.) I thought it was going to be about a sorority or something else frivolous.

I was so wrong. I loved it. I thought it was touching, well-written, and personal, without being sappy or woe-is-me at all, and it relates to law in a really sweet and poignant way. I am usually very critical, and even I thought this one was truly great.

(I hope you're not offended by anything in the first paragraph; I just mean that I wasn't expecting something so mature and lovely from such a "cutesy" online persona!)

Good luck on all your applications; I'm sure you will have a wonderful cycle!

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JordynAsh
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Re: Final Draft (I hope!) Please Comment!!

Postby JordynAsh » Thu Aug 12, 2010 9:31 pm

This is excellent. Good luck in your cycle!

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jmhendri
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Re: Final Draft (I hope!) Please Comment!!

Postby jmhendri » Thu Aug 12, 2010 9:38 pm

This is actually a pretty strong statement.

I would make these adjustments:

This reason, as other patients have similarly experienced, --> The reason, as with the other patients,

I gave speeches --> I have given speeches

I wrote articles --> I have written

pursue my goal of attaining a law degree --> pursue a life in law

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Barbie
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Re: Final Draft (I hope!) Please Comment!!

Postby Barbie » Thu Aug 12, 2010 9:41 pm

jmhendri wrote:This is actually a pretty strong statement.

I would make these adjustments:

This reason, as other patients have similarly experienced, --> The reason, as with the other patients,

I gave speeches --> I have given speeches

I wrote articles --> I have written


pursue my goal of attaining a law degree --> pursue a life in law


That is actually how it was originally written, but one of my critiques was to write in a more active voice. I'm so torn.. haha.

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jmhendri
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Re: Final Draft (I hope!) Please Comment!!

Postby jmhendri » Thu Aug 12, 2010 9:43 pm

Barbie wrote:
That is actually how it was originally written, but one of my critiques was to write in a more active voice. I'm so torn.. haha.


I would use the active voice if you were to be more specific about what you were doing. I wrote X article, etc. When speaking more generally I think it sounds awkward. But that may just be me. Just my two cents... take it with a grain of salt.

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thecilent
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Re: Final Draft (I hope!) Please Comment!!

Postby thecilent » Thu Aug 12, 2010 9:48 pm

The statement is pretty good.

I do have one comment for your introduction TO the statement, though
Barbie wrote:Final draft, hopefully, is below. Please let me know any final critiques. I have used a variety of very helpful comments from a ton of TLSers to construct this version (obviously a lot of comments/critiques were conflicting so I had to work with what I thought (and again, hope) worked best!) Thanks in advance :) :)
Namely, the parentheses inside the parentheses. This is never a good move.

ARTfulDodger
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Re: Final Draft (I hope!) Please Comment!!

Postby ARTfulDodger » Thu Aug 12, 2010 9:50 pm

This is a great statement. Nice job!

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Barbie
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Re: Final Draft (I hope!) Please Comment!!

Postby Barbie » Thu Aug 12, 2010 10:01 pm

thecilent wrote:The statement is pretty good.

I do have one comment for your introduction TO the statement, though
Barbie wrote:Final draft, hopefully, is below. Please let me know any final critiques. I have used a variety of very helpful comments from a ton of TLSers to construct this version (obviously a lot of comments/critiques were conflicting so I had to work with what I thought (and again, hope) worked best!) Thanks in advance :) :)
Namely, the parentheses inside the parentheses. This is never a good move.


lol. fair enough.

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existenz
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Re: Final Draft (I hope!) Please Comment!!

Postby existenz » Mon Aug 16, 2010 2:56 am

Listen to jmhendri, she is right.

Also, "a week's time spent in the intensive" should be "a week in the intensive"

Finally:
Each week, I help the attorneys host free bankruptcy seminars and guide people struggling with the current economy on how to maintain their lives.

might sound better as
Each week, I help the attorneys as they host free bankruptcy seminars and offer advice to people struggling with the current economy.




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