My PS - any help is appreciated

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
haveaniceday111
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Joined: Sat Jul 05, 2008 3:29 pm

My PS - any help is appreciated

Postby haveaniceday111 » Thu Aug 12, 2010 2:38 am

Removed...

Back to the drawing board!
Last edited by haveaniceday111 on Thu Aug 12, 2010 11:11 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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joobacca
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Re: My PS - any help is appreciated

Postby joobacca » Thu Aug 12, 2010 2:48 am

i read the first three four paragraphs. i have some questions and thoughts.

were the chinese workers also building railroads?

island time is unamerican.

when you wrestled did you ever find yourself in a "sexual embrace"?

CanadianWolf
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Re: My PS - any help is appreciated

Postby CanadianWolf » Thu Aug 12, 2010 8:32 am

Not good. Reads more like a letter from summer camp sent to a close friend or relative than an application essay to an intellectually demanding graduate school. Occasionally seems as if you wrote whatever thought entered your mind rather than focusing on a theme with an objective in mind. Not well written. Shows little to no intellectual depth or curiosity. Unfortunately, this essay may leave some readers thinking that there is scant substance behind the pen. And that is not good. One goal of a personal statement for law schools should be to make the admissions officers interested in your intellect--which is something that your personal statement fails to do, in my opinion.
Last edited by CanadianWolf on Thu Aug 12, 2010 8:51 am, edited 1 time in total.

CanadianWolf
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Re: My PS - any help is appreciated

Postby CanadianWolf » Thu Aug 12, 2010 8:47 am

To improve your essay, you first need to formulate a theme which will be clearly evident in your first & last paragraphs with supporting material in the body of your writing. Try to lessen use of the pronoun "I". Reduce or eliminate the overly informal conversational tone of your work.

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ShuckingNotJiving
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Re: My PS - any help is appreciated

Postby ShuckingNotJiving » Thu Aug 12, 2010 10:05 am

You added footnotes? Inside the essay?

This needs a lot of work. The first sentence grabbed my attention for all the wrong reasons (the use of a contraction being one of them). Maybe I was turned off because of the "footnote" that assumed the reader had never heard of Micronesia. And I think that voice (one of deluded self-confidence) shows throughout the essay. I'm not saying you have no reason to be confident, but you are self-aggrandizing to a point that surpasses what's necessary for your PS. You speak to all these amazing things you have done, but the lack of depth in your essay leads one to doubt that you even really accomplished such feats. Basically, your essay is doing you a huge disservice.

Your tone is too informal, as someone pointed out.

Consider the following:
haveaniceday111 wrote:Aside from my Peace Corps duties, fun and random things happen. Chinese workers were building a new school on the island, and barely any of them spoke English or Kosraean. One day, police pulled two of them over during a traffic stop. They saw me nearby and beckoned me to help. I’ve translated among Spanish, English and Mandarin. Who would’ve guessed that I’d translate “drivers license” and “court house” from Kosraean to Chinese?


I'm hugely confused on how the misfortune of others constitutes a "fun and random" thing. Are you being serious here? You really couldn't think of a different way to describe the experience other than "fun and random?"

There are other instances of ill-chosen words, but that stuck out to me the most.

More importantly, I’ve learned to empathize with both elders desiring to preserve the island’s traditions and teenagers desiring to reshape it, and, at least sometimes, that being a part of the community involves more than doing something for it.


Yes. That is a great insight. Unfortunately, your essay conveys the idea that you did exactly what you're advocating against here. You did all these things for the community (which you have listed, exhaustively) but one doesn't get the sense that you've actually strove to become a part of it, or that you want to be a part of it. One might even go as to say that some of your statements convey that you feel superior to the community.

So, scrap this. Do some yoga. Clear your mind. Try again.
Last edited by ShuckingNotJiving on Thu Aug 12, 2010 10:09 am, edited 1 time in total.

deathviaboredom
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Re: My PS - any help is appreciated

Postby deathviaboredom » Thu Aug 12, 2010 10:07 am

Um. Who hasn't heard of micronesia. I mean, seriously?

rockstar4488
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Re: My PS - any help is appreciated

Postby rockstar4488 » Thu Aug 12, 2010 1:45 pm

I think this doesn't start anywhere and doesn't go anywhere. Consider the message you want to send with your statement and then completely re-write it around that.

sibley
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Re: My PS - any help is appreciated

Postby sibley » Thu Aug 12, 2010 1:48 pm

I also was turned off by the assumption that the reader has never heard of micronesia. I think most people have. if you want to use that sort of wit, go with "I'm living in Kosrae" then do the bit about not feeling back if you haven't heard of it. And then say you didn't either, until you volunteered for peace corps and that's where they sent you.

czelede
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Re: My PS - any help is appreciated

Postby czelede » Thu Aug 12, 2010 2:02 pm

sibley wrote:I also was turned off by the assumption that the reader has never heard of micronesia. I think most people have. if you want to use that sort of wit, go with "I'm living in Kosrae" then do the bit about not feeling back if you haven't heard of it. And then say you didn't either, until you volunteered for peace corps and that's where they sent you.


I think maybe the Micronesia explanation was directed towards TLS, not the adcomms...

I hope...

sibley
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Re: My PS - any help is appreciated

Postby sibley » Thu Aug 12, 2010 2:09 pm

czelede wrote:
sibley wrote:I also was turned off by the assumption that the reader has never heard of micronesia. I think most people have. if you want to use that sort of wit, go with "I'm living in Kosrae" then do the bit about not feeling back if you haven't heard of it. And then say you didn't either, until you volunteered for peace corps and that's where they sent you.


I think maybe the Micronesia explanation was directed towards TLS, not the adcomms...

I hope...


Nope.
I've also added some footnotes, which I've put into brackets here.

czelede
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Re: My PS - any help is appreciated

Postby czelede » Thu Aug 12, 2010 2:11 pm

sibley wrote:
czelede wrote:
sibley wrote:I also was turned off by the assumption that the reader has never heard of micronesia. I think most people have. if you want to use that sort of wit, go with "I'm living in Kosrae" then do the bit about not feeling back if you haven't heard of it. And then say you didn't either, until you volunteered for peace corps and that's where they sent you.


I think maybe the Micronesia explanation was directed towards TLS, not the adcomms...

I hope...


Nope.
I've also added some footnotes, which I've put into brackets here.


Oh wow. I'm sorry to stand corrected.

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ShuckingNotJiving
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Re: My PS - any help is appreciated

Postby ShuckingNotJiving » Thu Aug 12, 2010 4:05 pm

I think it was directed towards TLS, only because I highly doubt the OP would actually tell adcomms not to "feel bad."


It's still obnoxious. It's not that obscure of a reference.




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