Crappy Personal Statement? Please HELP!!!

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
Lady_In_Red
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Crappy Personal Statement? Please HELP!!!

Postby Lady_In_Red » Wed Aug 11, 2010 9:21 pm

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Last edited by Lady_In_Red on Tue Jan 04, 2011 11:02 pm, edited 1 time in total.

JakeL
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Re: Crappy Personal Statement? Please HELP!!!

Postby JakeL » Wed Aug 11, 2010 9:31 pm

You spend three paragraphs talking about a negative thing in your life. If it was that bad, you should focus way more on convincing the reader it's never going to be a problem again and expand on how it's better now. I think you should consider a new topic though, because this doesn't make you sound strong at all.

CanadianWolf
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Re: Crappy Personal Statement? Please HELP!!!

Postby CanadianWolf » Wed Aug 11, 2010 9:54 pm

"Never let fear be your motivation" is among the worst advice that I have ever encountered. Fear is probably the single most effective motivator known to mankind.
Your essay is good, but the topic of fear has been done many times before & I don't think that your writing offers much in the way of additional insight other than to suggest that you are an unusually nervous person. In short, your thread title is appropriate.
On the positive side, you write well. Your writing style shows clarity of thought & a proper use of words without any transparent attempt to impress the reader with an unnecessary array of sophisticated vocabulary.

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ShuckingNotJiving
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Re: Crappy Personal Statement? Please HELP!!!

Postby ShuckingNotJiving » Wed Aug 11, 2010 11:30 pm

This essay is much too abstract, in my opinion. What are you fearful of exactly? Or are you just referring to fear in general? Either way, the reader isn't left with too great of an idea about who you are, other than the fact that you possess qualities that are less-than desirable. Ah, yes, and that you were a credit union manager.

Not sure what this meant..

I became a consummate miser because I feared lack.


And pretty sure a less-antiquated word could be substituted here:

My freedom was at my behest!


Really, though, the use of an exclamation point just draws extra attention to a word that is out of place to begin with.

You do write quite well, I'm just not understanding much about you in this essay. It would be great if you included / weaved in an experience you've had that clearly relates to the topic.

CanadianWolf wrote:In short, your thread title is appropriate.


Oh, CW. I love how in every critique you offer, there is i a sweet little morsel of unmistakable derision.

rockstar4488
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Re: Crappy Personal Statement? Please HELP!!!

Postby rockstar4488 » Thu Aug 12, 2010 1:51 pm

This essay is much too abstract, in my opinion. What are you fearful of exactly? Or are you just referring to fear in general? Either way, the reader isn't left with too great of an idea about who you are, other than the fact that you possess qualities that are less-than desirable. Ah, yes, and that you were a credit union manager.


This.

I enjoyed the first few sentences, but I was really expecting it to go somewhere. I as a reader had this vivid picture in my head, but you failed to show the reader why you are afraid. It comes off as shallow. I don't buy that you are afraid of being afraid. Afraid of failure maybe? Afraid of being hurt? Open up to the audience and give us something so that we can give you some sympathy.

Lady_In_Red
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Re: Crappy Personal Statement? Please HELP!!!

Postby Lady_In_Red » Thu Aug 12, 2010 6:50 pm

Ok...so it looks like I'm getting mixed messages here. Is this a doable topic provided that I'm more concrete in my examples or should I scrap it all together?

CanadianWolf
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Re: Crappy Personal Statement? Please HELP!!!

Postby CanadianWolf » Thu Aug 12, 2010 6:52 pm

Fear is a doable topic, but it has been done many times before. Any topic is doable, it's just how you do it that counts.
Overall your personal statement does your image much more harm than good, in my opinion.
"Never let fear be your motivation" will ring untrue in many, if not most, readers' ears. This causes you to lose credibility.
The first year of law school is a very difficult period & a time of significant change for most law students so emphasizing your vulnerability will cause concern to some. Your personal statement walks a fine line between excessive emotions & mental stability under pressure. Is this the image that you want to present to law school admissions committee members ?
Last edited by CanadianWolf on Thu Aug 12, 2010 7:00 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Lady_In_Red
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Re: Crappy Personal Statement? Please HELP!!!

Postby Lady_In_Red » Thu Aug 12, 2010 7:00 pm

CanadianWolf, do you feel that by the conclusion I had not done enough to shed the image that I was no longer vulnerable to fear? And if I didn't, what are some powerful ways to shed that image?

CanadianWolf
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Re: Crappy Personal Statement? Please HELP!!!

Postby CanadianWolf » Thu Aug 12, 2010 7:03 pm

No, I was not convinced. The first year of law school is unusually challenging for many law students including, quite often, top ranked students entering with 4.0 GPAs. The stress can be so great that many married law students file for divorce during this time.
Fear may not be the best topic for you because your fears border on being irrational, in my opinion. They are not readily understood & accepted challenges that are to be cheered if overcome.
Mental health issues are of utmost concern on college, university & law school campuses nationwide. They are of even more concern to state bars. So why raise this issue about yourself with your one chance to sell your candidacy to admissions committees ? The answer, I suspect, is because this is what is on your mind. And you need to change your focus to a more positive area, in my opinion.
Admitting vulnerability is fine, but to focus on it is not.
Last edited by CanadianWolf on Thu Aug 12, 2010 7:11 pm, edited 1 time in total.

ARTfulDodger
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Re: Crappy Personal Statement? Please HELP!!!

Postby ARTfulDodger » Thu Aug 12, 2010 7:11 pm

rockstar4488 wrote:
This essay is much too abstract, in my opinion. What are you fearful of exactly? Or are you just referring to fear in general? Either way, the reader isn't left with too great of an idea about who you are, other than the fact that you possess qualities that are less-than desirable. Ah, yes, and that you were a credit union manager.


This.

I enjoyed the first few sentences, but I was really expecting it to go somewhere. I as a reader had this vivid picture in my head, but you failed to show the reader why you are afraid. It comes off as shallow. I don't buy that you are afraid of being afraid. Afraid of failure maybe? Afraid of being hurt? Open up to the audience and give us something so that we can give you some sympathy.


+1. I was thinking you were going to talk about what you have done specifically to combat your fears, but it never came. Plus, you barely said anything about how a legal education was right for you. As a creative writing piece, this would work, but not for a personal statement.

CanadianWolf
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Re: Crappy Personal Statement? Please HELP!!!

Postby CanadianWolf » Thu Aug 12, 2010 7:14 pm

Have you ever been around a group of recently reformed alcoholics, gamblers or other obsessive/compulsive behaviors ? For the most part, all they talk about is how long they have been sober or avoided other destructive behaviors, yet folks listening silently think how long will it last this time. Here we go again.

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esq
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Re: Crappy Personal Statement? Please HELP!!!

Postby esq » Thu Aug 12, 2010 7:22 pm

The first year of law school is a very difficult period & a time of significant change for most law students so emphasizing your vulnerability will cause concern to some. Your personal statement walks a fine line between excessive emotions & mental stability under pressure. Is this the image that you want to present to law school admissions committee members ?


You know, I actually have to agree with Canadian on this one.

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maroonzoon
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Re: Crappy Personal Statement? Please HELP!!!

Postby maroonzoon » Wed Aug 18, 2010 5:35 am

Change topic




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