Second Draft of my PS...any feedback is appreciated

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
Beantown26
Posts: 39
Joined: Mon Aug 09, 2010 9:03 pm

Second Draft of my PS...any feedback is appreciated

Postby Beantown26 » Tue Aug 10, 2010 7:44 pm

Removed...
Last edited by Beantown26 on Thu Aug 12, 2010 4:23 pm, edited 1 time in total.

CanadianWolf
Posts: 10439
Joined: Wed Mar 24, 2010 4:54 pm

Re: Second Draft of my PS...any feedback is appreciated

Postby CanadianWolf » Tue Aug 10, 2010 8:04 pm

CHANGE: "Me being an accounting major,..." to "As an accounting major,...".
CHANGE: "Pushing back my graduation..." to "Postponing graduation...".
CONSIDER: "A construction contractor by trade, my uncle used his days to teach lessons of hard work and the rewards of a job well done."
CONSIDER: "Additionally, I had just signed an employment contract with the fourth largest accounting firm in the world, KPMG.
Change: "for" to "to" in "...offering a bonus to anyone who...".

Although not exhaustive, these suggested modifications to your personal statement should make it read more smoothly.

CanadianWolf
Posts: 10439
Joined: Wed Mar 24, 2010 4:54 pm

Re: Second Draft of my PS...any feedback is appreciated

Postby CanadianWolf » Tue Aug 10, 2010 8:14 pm

This essay should work for Boston College due to your wealth of family history in Massachusetts & the Catholic Church's ties to Italy. Even though much of your essay focuses on your uncle, you successfully relate his advice & accomplishments to your own motivation & goals. As this is the real world, and not an isolated academic ivory tower, your family's achievements are worth noting in the context of your personal statement and it is notable that you have done so in an unpretentious fashion.
Of course, your numbers remain important, but in a close decision regarding whether or not you will be admitted, your personal statement should help.

Beantown26
Posts: 39
Joined: Mon Aug 09, 2010 9:03 pm

Re: Second Draft of my PS...any feedback is appreciated

Postby Beantown26 » Tue Aug 10, 2010 8:35 pm

Thank you so much.




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