New Topic PS- first draft- help

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
jamespageiv
Posts: 12
Joined: Tue Jun 08, 2010 4:20 pm

New Topic PS- first draft- help

Postby jamespageiv » Sun Aug 08, 2010 1:05 am

I'm throwing this idea out there to see what anybody thinks. It says nothing about law school or why I should go or anything. I could try to work some of that in if I have to. I thought maybe that this PS would show that I worked in a place that needed fixing and I had something to do with a positive changed that occurred. I know it still needs a lot of work, i just spit it out really quickly, but I'm looking for feedback on the general idea of the statement. Any help would be greatly appreciated,

I sat in my office. I was uncomfortable. The student sitting across from me was upset. The tears that streamed down his face were those of disappointment and frustration. As I searched for the right words to explain my decision I couldn’t help but know I had done something right. A year before most of my employees were there solely to earn a paycheck. In this awkward moment I knew that the apathy that festered for so long in our employees was long gone. The culture had changed.
When I first took the job as a Member Services Coordinator for the Department of Campus Recreation at _____ ______ University I had no plans to rock the boat. I was content with the job’s stated responsibilities and the fact that I could attain my Master’s degree free of charge. I knew supervising thirty student employees wasn’t going to be easy but it would look great on my resume. I had no idea how involved I would become in wanting to shape their undergraduate experience.
It was clear from that first summer that the employees didn’t really see their job anything else but a way to make some money and get some homework done. This problem only became worse when the number of our department’s student employees doubled in size due to a facility expansion project. Before I could blink I was now supervising ninety employees.
At the same time all of this was happening I was taking classes in student development theory and student personnel administration. I was learning how students develop over their college years and how university programs and policies can shape this experience. It didn’t take long for me to see how lucky I was to be able to apply what I was learning.
The first action I took was to pick two over-arching theories that I could create a framework for developing programs and policies. I used Chickering’s Psychosocial Theory of Student Development and Perry’s Cognitive Theory of Student Development. I knew that I would have to get my boss and my co-workers on board with this plan so using relatively easy to understand theories that could be applied in broad strokes would work best.
Now that I had a theoretical base I had to start putting together a plan for the student employee experience. I wanted our employees to have pride in working for our department, have an opportunity to grow and advance, and develop meaningful relationships. We had to get our students engaged from the very first moment they become involved in the hiring process. We needed to keep them motivated and encouraged while they are with us.
After getting the approval from my boss I started setting up meetings with my colleagues who also hired student staff. I explained my basic ideas for what I think we could do and how we could improve our student’s experience. With what we had seen in the last year of expansion many people had ideas for improvement. After decades without a holistic plan we now had a general outline of our departments goals for student employment.
We reconfigured everything from the employment application to the promotion process to coincide with student development theory ideas. Our hiring process now began the first week of a school with recruitment meetings presented by our most senior student employees. Throughout the school year we created training sessions that covered topics from resume building to customer services. To end the year we celebrated everyone’s achievement with an awards banquet and bar-b-que. With exit interviews and electronic surveys we were able to see what the students thought of all of the changes we implemented.
The student that sat across from me that spring afternoon was disappointed that he wasn’t selected to be promoted to a Building Supervisor position. He had worked on his resume with the career center and even practiced several mock interviews before he met with our panel of full-time employees and departing seniors. He knew how much pride out department now took in its promotions and he knew our standards were high. It was no longer enough to just show up to work. The culture had changed.

calbears619
Posts: 22
Joined: Thu Jul 29, 2010 3:22 pm

Re: New Topic PS- first draft- help

Postby calbears619 » Sun Aug 08, 2010 7:09 am

Good first draft but it focuses a bit too much on the actual problem you were solving and not enough on yourself and the attributes that you are trying to highlight

jamespageiv
Posts: 12
Joined: Tue Jun 08, 2010 4:20 pm

Re: New Topic PS- first draft- help

Postby jamespageiv » Mon Aug 09, 2010 7:26 pm

any other feedback?

CanadianWolf
Posts: 10439
Joined: Wed Mar 24, 2010 4:54 pm

Re: New Topic PS- first draft- help

Postby CanadianWolf » Mon Aug 09, 2010 7:53 pm

My first thought is that this is an excellent essay for an MBA program. Shows strong organizational aptitude & skills, but not sure how this personal statement makes you a strong candidate for law school. Also naming theories is not as effective as sharing your thoughts behind the purpose & intended impact of implementing those theories. My final thought is have you perused or, at least, scanned the new MBA website developed by the creator of TLS ?

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ela7117
Posts: 54
Joined: Fri Jul 16, 2010 11:49 am

Re: New Topic PS- first draft- help

Postby ela7117 » Mon Aug 09, 2010 10:31 pm

I think your overall content is effective. However, I don't think the anecdote about the upset student adds any value. In fact, I left feeling sympathetic for the guy, possibly putting you at fault.

jamespageiv
Posts: 12
Joined: Tue Jun 08, 2010 4:20 pm

Re: New Topic PS- first draft- help

Postby jamespageiv » Tue Aug 10, 2010 1:30 pm

Thanks but I don't think an MBA is right for me. How would you suggest I tailor it to appeal more to law school admissions? I wanted to show how I could understand a problem, come up with a solution, work as a team and be a leader. I thought these were all things we needed to show in a personal statement.

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Jim Halpert
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Joined: Mon May 24, 2010 1:27 pm

Re: New Topic PS- first draft- help

Postby Jim Halpert » Wed Aug 11, 2010 11:17 am

jamespageiv wrote:I knew supervising thirty student employees wasn’t going to be easy but it would look great on my resume...

jamespageiv wrote:...the number of our department’s student employees doubled in size due to a facility expansion project. Before I could blink I was now supervising ninety employees.


I'm being nitpicky but that bugs the hell out of me.

jamespageiv
Posts: 12
Joined: Tue Jun 08, 2010 4:20 pm

Re: New Topic PS- first draft- help

Postby jamespageiv » Wed Aug 11, 2010 1:01 pm

I'll try to make it more clear. Our department's total doubled, my unit went from 30 to 90.




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