(Almost) Final PS

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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Deuce
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(Almost) Final PS

Postby Deuce » Sat Aug 07, 2010 11:51 pm

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Last edited by Deuce on Sun Aug 15, 2010 2:37 pm, edited 1 time in total.

CanadianWolf
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Joined: Wed Mar 24, 2010 4:54 pm

Re: (Almost) Final PS

Postby CanadianWolf » Sun Aug 08, 2010 10:59 am

After a quick read, I recall reading this personal statement several days ago. Although I don't have the original, this version seems to suffer somewhat from excessive editing, but is still excellent.

"...with my father's and her names written across the top." is awkward & a bit confusing as used. Consider substituting the word "displaying" or "showing" for "with".

ADD "made" to the final sentence as in "...my decision will be made...".

CHANGE "in to" to "into" "...my entire life thrown into...".

CHANGE: "...situations are." to "circumstances." (DELETE the word "are".)

My impression is that you sought stability over turmoil.

Another thought is that it was your choice as much as your father's acquiescence to your plea that changed your life.

Overall this is an excellent personal statement. Your pain is reflected in your numbness toward your mother. Very effective.

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Older Chest
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Re: (Almost) Final PS

Postby Older Chest » Sun Aug 08, 2010 11:57 am

I read through your personal statement and wanted to say that overall, I think it it excellent.

One thing that could be done to make it even better is to clean up its readability. Like the poster before me, I agree that it reads as being 'over-edited'. Remember that while you are focusing on each and every sentence and trying to make it as great as possible, you are writing a single essay, and the flow should be as smooth as possible.

The only other suggestion I have would be about the conclusion. You do a fantastic job of showing not telling, but this paragraph comes across slightly as why you are great. While your actions are certainly honorable, I think they could be framed in a way that comes across as more positive for the reader.

Let me know if you would like to discuss your essay in more detail, and I would be more than happy to help if I can. Your story is tragic and yet powerful, and I empathize with what you have been forced to go through. <-- This is exactly what you want an admissions committee to think too, so job well done.

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sayruss11
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Re: (Almost) Final PS

Postby sayruss11 » Sun Aug 08, 2010 1:33 pm

"After years of bitter entanglement and severe losses suffered both sides" - "suffered BY both sides"


" this appeared to be an agreement drafted by mother’s attorney in order to finally settle the divorce" - Not sure if you meant to leave out the article "my" before "mother's attorney" but it sounds much better (and less snobby, maybe?) with it. If not, mother should have a capital M.

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Deuce
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Re: (Almost) Final PS

Postby Deuce » Sun Aug 08, 2010 1:47 pm

sayruss11 wrote:"After years of bitter entanglement and severe losses suffered both sides" - "suffered BY both sides"


" this appeared to be an agreement drafted by mother’s attorney in order to finally settle the divorce" - Not sure if you meant to leave out the article "my" before "mother's attorney" but it sounds much better (and less snobby, maybe?) with it. If not, mother should have a capital M.


Wow how'd I miss those :shock: Definitely meant to have by and my in there. Thanks for the look out!

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sayruss11
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Re: (Almost) Final PS

Postby sayruss11 » Sun Aug 08, 2010 10:17 pm

yea its easy to pass over things and just assume those little words are there. nicely written ps overall




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