i'm bored at work, so here you go. never say in 10 words what you can say in 3--i think that overarching advice would benefit this essay greatly. don't go out of your way to use academic-sounding words. your bachelor's degree indicates your education, you don't need to showcase it more. it's a great essay, but some fine-tuning couldn't hurt.
Yet, when so much else in life seemed preordained or gerrymandered, the song awarded Glen complete control.
love the message of this line, but those words are really stuffy. why not just say predetermined?
What I found was Hip Hop, never a musical genre that particularly spoke to me, but one that had a powerful appeal over high school students across New York City.
i think "appeal" is incorrect. things don't "appeal over" people, they appeal to. i would change appeal or change "over"
, but it would be one I felt fully capable of effectuating, and one of which I could be proud.
would you ever use this phrase in conversation during, say, a job interview? "capable of effectuating?" too stuffy imho.
As both the students and I gingerly learned to navigate one another’s needs and goals, the program began to show dividends.
gingerly seems like an inappropriate adverb here, but furthermore navigate doesn't really make sense in the context of needs and goals. are you trying to say that you learned to work in a manner that was most conducive to meeting one anothers' needs and goals? and if so, were your students working hard so you could meet your goal? confusing. and i think "results" or something similar over dividends, as those are most often paid, not "shown."
Glen was one of the first to open up, talking about his lyrics and how they related to his experiences. Then others followed suit. The trust we established bred confidence, and that confidence began to manifest itself in the classroom, as my student’s
After more than 6 months of workshopping every Saturday, the improvement in their educational career was incontrovertible.
really ugly passive voice
Nearly every single BPM student saw her grades
his or her
“That’s one hit down,” Glen said. “A few more records-worth to go.”
I couldn’t agree more.
the framework i think could be better executed. instead of beginning in the middle of a recording session and then tacking this line on in the end to remind the reader of the setting, add at least one or two lines in the body of the essay that continues the story-telling aspect. you scratch the surface of a really cool model: telling a story while weaving in background and revelations into that story, but there's not enough emphasis on the story. maybe discuss how glen's progress through your program demonstrated itself in specific instances of his recording style.
finally, and please don't take offense to this, but this essay seems more focused on detailing YOUR achievement, not the kids'. if possible, i would consider that in your last revisions: do you want to come across as though you're bragging for what you did for the kids and how valuable you were to them, or how you learned a lot about yourself and your abilities in watching the children blossom and shine? frankly, i prefer the latter