2nd draft of a PS that is sure to brighten your day

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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ShuckingNotJiving
Posts: 266
Joined: Wed Jun 30, 2010 11:24 am

Re: 2nd draft of a PS that is sure to brighten your day

Postby ShuckingNotJiving » Fri Aug 06, 2010 9:58 pm

Snoring Meatball wrote:This is kind of a dumb question, but does the discount vodka bit make it sound like she was an alcoholic? My parents aren't big drinkers, and I feel sort of bad implying otherwise. I guess it just never occurred to her that she might as well pick up a liter of Grey Goose.


No, discount vodka conveys the manic desperation of a person who is trying to end their life. Leave it. Leave it and describe the bottle. Describe its dents and ridges, the color of its label. That's what makes your writing memorable.

OP,
You go a lot of different directions in this essay, and cover a lot of ground. You have your mother's illness, ballet, the internship, and your work with the suicide hotline. Because of this, you sometimes you arrive at conclusions that aren't entirely supported. For example, at one point you attest to your "humor and congeniality" and the reader is wondering--how was I supposed to know the reader possessed these qualities, again? The fact that you write really well often masks the fact that you aren't providing a lot of depth and reflection.

I made my way to Washington with the goal of finding a job related to mental health policy. In time, I discovered that other areas interested me more. In my current position, I handle a variety of fascinating, complex issues that have seen much discussion and debate in recent days: ___, ___, and ___ among them


Why don't you know these issues? I would suggest taking this paragraph OUT. The adcomms will see the shift from dance to more "intellectual" pursuits on your resume. Actually, I would go as far as to say that studying dance can develop one intellectually, so there's no reason to assert your intellectuality just because your college endeavors weren't strictly academic. The potential to intertwine the confining torment of your home life, with the liberating expression dance afforded you is to rich of a connection to waste by expounding on an internship -- especially when one can imagine that a lot of applicants will speak of similar internships in their PS's.

So, Stick with the illness, dance, and suicide hotline take the internship fluff out to provide more description / analysis of the first three topics.
Last edited by ShuckingNotJiving on Sat Aug 07, 2010 11:23 am, edited 1 time in total.

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Snoring Meatball
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Re: 2nd draft of a PS that is sure to brighten your day

Postby Snoring Meatball » Fri Aug 06, 2010 10:27 pm

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Last edited by Snoring Meatball on Wed Nov 24, 2010 11:36 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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ShuckingNotJiving
Posts: 266
Joined: Wed Jun 30, 2010 11:24 am

Re: 2nd draft of a PS that is sure to brighten your day

Postby ShuckingNotJiving » Fri Aug 06, 2010 10:35 pm

Ah, yes. I didn't read that closely / it is a tad confusing. Yeah, I suppose it might be odd since it's what you have been doing that for the past four years. Although, I don't know how odd... To me, the paragraph distracts from the other more, powerful things you touch upon.

I don't think you necessarily have to offer specific issues about the experience, just more reflection on your progression, from living with your mother's illness to finding yourself in dance. It's not an in-depth look from the inside (where you were then), it's considering the experience from the outside (where you are now).

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esq
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Re: 2nd draft of a PS that is sure to brighten your day

Postby esq » Fri Aug 06, 2010 11:07 pm

Just stumbled upon this so I thought that I would put it out there, but Notre Dame looks like it has a good clinical opportunity through its Mental Health Project. Something you might want to look into.

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Snoring Meatball
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Joined: Mon Jun 21, 2010 4:22 pm

Re: 2nd draft of a PS that is sure to brighten your day

Postby Snoring Meatball » Sat Aug 07, 2010 7:39 am

Thanks for thinking of me! It looks interesting, but a move to South Bend (actually, most places) just isn't feasible for me right now.




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