Snoring Meatball wrote:This is kind of a dumb question, but does the discount vodka bit make it sound like she was an alcoholic? My parents aren't big drinkers, and I feel sort of bad implying otherwise. I guess it just never occurred to her that she might as well pick up a liter of Grey Goose.
No, discount vodka conveys the manic desperation of a person who is trying to end their life. Leave it. Leave it and describe the bottle. Describe its dents and ridges, the color of its label. That's what makes your writing memorable.
You go a lot of different directions in this essay, and cover a lot of ground. You have your mother's illness, ballet, the internship, and your work with the suicide hotline. Because of this, you sometimes you arrive at conclusions that aren't entirely supported. For example, at one point you attest to your "humor and congeniality" and the reader is wondering--how was I supposed to know the reader possessed these qualities, again? The fact that you write really well often masks the fact that you aren't providing a lot of depth and reflection.
I made my way to Washington with the goal of finding a job related to mental health policy. In time, I discovered that other areas interested me more. In my current position, I handle a variety of fascinating, complex issues that have seen much discussion and debate in recent days: ___, ___, and ___ among them
Why don't you know these issues? I would suggest taking this paragraph OUT. The adcomms will see the shift from dance to more "intellectual" pursuits on your resume. Actually, I would go as far as to say that studying dance can develop one intellectually, so there's no reason to assert your intellectuality just because your college endeavors weren't strictly academic. The potential to intertwine the confining torment of your home life, with the liberating expression dance afforded you is to rich of a connection to waste by expounding on an internship -- especially when one can imagine that a lot of applicants will speak of similar internships in their PS's.
So, Stick with the illness, dance, and suicide hotline take the internship fluff out to provide more description / analysis of the first three topics.