Another PS Rough 1st Draft

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
ivantheterbl
Posts: 83
Joined: Sat Jun 26, 2010 10:04 am

Another PS Rough 1st Draft

Postby ivantheterbl » Wed Aug 04, 2010 2:42 am

So I got a lot of good feedback in my other posting about my Civil War essay, and after reading and re-reading it I'm not sure how much an adcon would really get out of it. While I work on tweaking it, I went ahead and went a totally new direction with my PS and was hoping for some great feedback on this as well-- Again I'm more interested in general feedback, but anything and everything is welcome- Thanks everyone


“You mean I can actually unpack all of my things?” This question, which certainly appears comic if even somewhat ironic, is one that was more meaningful to me at the time than almost any other I had ever asked. As movers hurried through the last stages of stacking and shuffling boxes, I couldn’t even believe the answer to my question: yes. Most kids at age eleven would want nothing less than to not have to unpack stacks of boxes, arrange toys, clothes, and other possessions, but those other kids weren’t me: I was ecstatic that I finally had the opportunity to do so.
Growing up, I moved constantly. My dad was a member of the Air Force, and this meant moving from base to base, state to state, as he switched positions and worked on new projects. I never even attended the same school two years in a row until seventh and eighth grade, and many of my earlier grades I spent at more than one school in a given year. While at the time moving seemed like nothing but the status quo, something to look forward to and dread equally, it is apparent now that moving had a profound effect on me, and has shaped me into the person I am today.
Most importantly, moving from one state to another exposed me to a variety of different regions in the country, and consequently a wide array of people, viewpoints, and cultures. While growing up and maturing, there is no better way to learn and formulate one’s own belief system than by being exposed to others. I was and still am able to see the world in a variety of different shades, and empathize with a wide variety of different peoples, for the simple reason that I once studied, played, and lived with them. Whenever I examine legal or other scholarly questions, I attempt to see the subject not only through my own perspective, but also through the perspective of someone different than me, such as a foreign national or African American. The world is an immeasurably complex place, but appreciating the diversity of people and their respective ideas allows one to formulate better and much more informed decisions.
Moving also helped me develop positively in other ways as well. For one, all of the idle time spent in different locations growing up fostered one of my greatest passions: reading. While it started simply as something to do, I eventually became engrossed in obtaining knowledge, questioning knowledge, and refining my knowledge. My intellectual curiosity has greatly aided me in excelling in a variety of subjects academically, as well as given me the ability to intertwine and synthesize information from a variety of fields. For example, one of my greatest interests is the American Civil War, but I also have a passion for mathematics. In a game theory course last year, I applied the techniques of game theory analysis to the battle of Gettysburg, and drew conclusions about how alternate strategies might have affected the outcome. To succeed in law, one must look beyond the law many times, and I know my knowledge and desire to gain more knowledge can bring me this coveted success.
My childhood experience also greatly altered my personality in a positive way. Constantly moving forced me to be accepting of new situations, new challenges, and embrace them rather than shy away from them. My family was critical in this process, as they were the only constants I had in my whirlwind of change. Their assistance illustrated to me the power of a unit, how an individual could benefit from the support of others. To this day, I enjoy new challenges, new experiences, pushing myself beyond my preconceived notions of what I am limited to. And while it isn’t always my family, or my friends, I find that any great challenge is equally met by a great group.
The prospect of attending law school is thrilling. Ever since I was initially exposed to the subject, through rote memorization of terms and cases, I have been fascinated by law and its study. Despite having myriad interests in a variety of fields, I chose law because no other subject matches my abilities with my interests in quite the same way. As I prepare for another challenge, another difficult task, and yet again another move, I am comforted by my experiences in life so far, and know they have me prepared to make this giant leap. Moving may always be a nuisance, but if there is one thing I’ve learned from my past, the trip is always worth the ride.

CanadianWolf
Posts: 10439
Joined: Wed Mar 24, 2010 4:54 pm

Re: Another PS Rough 1st Draft

Postby CanadianWolf » Wed Aug 04, 2010 9:28 am

The theme of moving, moving on to new experiences & learning from moving is fine, but your essay drags on at times & seems too long. Additionally it contains a few sentences that need to be removed because they are incorrect and suggest immaturity when you are trying to make the opposite point.
Overall this is better than your Civil War essay because you avoid falling into the conversational writing style that is too informal.
In the first paragraph, your question seems neither comic nor ironic.
DELETE: "...such as a foreign national or African American."
Last paragraph DELETE: the two consecutive sentences starting with "To succeed in law..." & "My childhood experience...".
START A NEW PARAGRAPH: "Constantly moving forward...".
DELETE: Two consecutive sentences which begin "And while..." "The prospect...".
DELETE: "...of what I am limited to."
DELETE: Two consecutive sentences starting with "Ever since..." & "Despite having...".
REPHRASE: "giant leap" & "nuisance".

ivantheterbl
Posts: 83
Joined: Sat Jun 26, 2010 10:04 am

Re: Another PS Rough 1st Draft

Postby ivantheterbl » Thu Aug 05, 2010 1:39 am

This is a quick revision-- My main question now is should I focus on working on this essay or should I try and focus on attempting more revisions of the Civil War one? (Can post that one in this thread if someone didn't read it)-- I feel like this essay is a little safer, but don't really know-- Also, is it a problem to highlight how moving was somewhat a detriment to me, at least earlier on in life (2nd to last P)?

“You mean I can actually unpack everything?” This question, seemingly trivial, is one that was more meaningful to me at the time than almost any other I had ever asked. As movers hurried through the last stages of stacking and shuffling boxes, I couldn’t even believe the answer to my question: yes. Most kids at age eleven would want nothing more than to not have to unpack stacks of boxes or arrange toy and clothes, but those other kids weren’t me: I was ecstatic that I finally had the opportunity to do so.
Growing up, I moved constantly. My dad was an officer in the Air Force, and this meant moving from base to base as he switched positions and worked on new projects. I never even attended the same school two years in a row until seventh and eighth grade, and many of my earlier grades I spent at more than one school in a given year. While at the time moving seemed like nothing but the status quo, something to look forward to and dread equally, it is apparent now that moving had a profound effect on me, and has shaped me into the person I am today.
Most importantly, moving from one state to another exposed me to a variety of different regions in the country, and consequently a wide array of people, viewpoints, and cultures. Growing up there is no better way to learn and formulate one’s own belief system than by being exposed to others. I was and still am able to see the world in a variety of different shades, and empathize with a wide variety of different people, for the simple reason that I once studied, played, and lived with them. Whenever I examine legal or other scholarly questions, I attempt to see the subject not only through my own perspective, but also through the perspective of another party or group. The world is an immeasurably complex place, but appreciating the diversity of people and their respective ideas allows one to formulate better and much more informed decisions.
Moving also helped foster my appreciation and enthusiasm for learning. Since there was a lot of idle time in the process of relocating, I began to develop one of my greatest passions, reading. While it started simply as something to pass time, I eventually became engrossed in obtaining knowledge, questioning knowledge, and refining my knowledge. My intellectual curiosity has aided me in excelling in a variety of subjects academically, but more importantly has given me the ability to intertwine and synthesize information from a variety of fields. For example, one of my greatest interests is the American Civil War; I collect artifacts, visit battlefields, and even have reenacted battles. On the opposite end of the academic spectrum, however, I also have a passion for mathematics. In a game theory course last year, I applied the techniques of game theory analysis to the battle of Gettysburg, and drew conclusions about how alternate strategies might have affected the outcome. To succeed in law, one must look beyond the law many times, and I know my knowledge and aspiration to gain more knowledge in a variety of areas will bring me one step closer to achieving this coveted success.
While moving certainly benefited me in numerous ways, it also negatively affected me in others that I have since had to overcome. Constantly being placed in new and diverse situations forced me to become extremely self-reliant, but to far too great of a degree. In high school, I usually opted to work alone in lieu of group work, as this is what I was used to from my childhood and part of me believed that I could accomplish more personally than with a team. However, three years of college have completely reversed this belief, as I have come to appreciate the power of teamwork over the strength of one individual. Last year a team and I completed an entire business plan for a struggling startup, with some of our operational and marketing ideas being incorporated by the company. The business plan, which took five coffee infused college students a semester to complete, would have been an impossible task for one person. In order to succeed at the project, I had to evolve my approach from what had developed earlier in my life, and embrace the potential of others.
Constantly moving forced me to be accepting of new situations, new challenges, and embrace them. Law school is a new challenge, and one that I find particularly thrilling. Despite having myriad interests in a variety of fields, I chose law because no other subject is as meaningful to me or matches my abilities with my interests in such a unique way. As I prepare for another challenge, another difficult task, and yet again another move, I am comforted by my experiences in life so far, and know they have me prepared to make this stride. Moving might always be a hassle, but if there is one thing I’ve learned from my past, the trip is always worth the ride.

CanadianWolf
Posts: 10439
Joined: Wed Mar 24, 2010 4:54 pm

Re: Another PS Rough 1st Draft

Postby CanadianWolf » Thu Aug 05, 2010 8:18 am

The revised version is much better than your original version posted above. The essay still needs some adjustments, however.
DELETE: "..., but to far too great a degree."
CHANGE: "...extremeley self-reliant" to "excessively self-reliant."
CHANGE: "...as this is what I was used to in my childhood and part of me believed..." to "...since I believed...".
CHANGE: "...completely reversed..." to "altered".
CHANGE: "...and one that I find particularly thrilling..." to "that I eagerly anticipate".

After these modifications, be careful about too much editing as the essay may lose your writer's voice & become too sanitized. Make sure that any changes coincide with your beliefs & style.

ivantheterbl
Posts: 83
Joined: Sat Jun 26, 2010 10:04 am

Re: Another PS Rough 1st Draft

Postby ivantheterbl » Thu Aug 05, 2010 3:00 pm

Thanks for all of your help CanadianWolf--- In your opinion (or anyone else's) will this topic resonate more with adcons than the Civil War one? (Forgetting problems with grammar, informal language, etc just the topic overall)

ivantheterbl
Posts: 83
Joined: Sat Jun 26, 2010 10:04 am

Re: Another PS Rough 1st Draft

Postby ivantheterbl » Sun Aug 08, 2010 9:57 am

Bump for more feedback

ivantheterbl
Posts: 83
Joined: Sat Jun 26, 2010 10:04 am

Re: Another PS Rough 1st Draft

Postby ivantheterbl » Wed Aug 11, 2010 8:30 pm

One more bump for feedback




Return to “Law School Personal Statements”

Who is online

The online users are hidden on this forum.