PS Draft Part 2 :)

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Barbie
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PS Draft Part 2 :)

Postby Barbie » Fri Jul 30, 2010 1:32 pm

missed it ;)
Last edited by Barbie on Tue Sep 21, 2010 4:07 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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romothesavior
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Re: PS Draft Part 2 :)

Postby romothesavior » Fri Jul 30, 2010 1:46 pm

I'm busy at work, so I'll just give some quick feedback.

-Overall I think this is really well-written and it captured my attention throughout. You do a good job of showing, as opposed to simply telling. You also do a good job of spinning this whole ordeal into a positive message that shows who you really are.
-The second paragraph has too many commas and the sentences are a bit too long.
-The second sentence in the final paragraph is awkward
-Last paragraph: "who are often, like myself, stricken..." Again, too many commas IMO.
-I think the part about your mother should be incorporated earlier in the piece. It seems like an afterthought. I think you could find a way to incorporate her struggles into your own battle with cancer and show how it made you stronger.

Sorry I couldn't look at this more Barbs, but you still have a lot of time to work on it. I'll check it out more this weekend and hopefully give you some more feedback.

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Barbie
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Re: PS Draft Part 2 :)

Postby Barbie » Fri Jul 30, 2010 1:48 pm

romothesavior wrote:I'm busy at work, so I'll just give some quick feedback.

-Overall I think this is really well-written and it captured my attention throughout. You do a good job of showing, as opposed to simply telling. You also do a good job of spinning this whole ordeal into a positive message that shows who you really are.
-The second paragraph has too many commas and the sentences are a bit too long.
-The second sentence in the final paragraph is awkward
-Last paragraph: "who are often, like myself, stricken..." Again, too many commas IMO.
-I think the part about your mother should be incorporated earlier in the piece. It seems like an afterthought. I think you could find a way to incorporate her struggles into your own battle with cancer and show how it made you stronger.

Sorry I couldn't look at this more Barbs, but you still have a lot of time to work on it. I'll check it out more this weekend and hopefully give you some more feedback.


thank ya! i definitly struggled on where (and if) to include my moms struggles. thinking about it now, i have an idea though... good call :)

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Barbie
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Re: PS Draft Part 2 :)

Postby Barbie » Fri Jul 30, 2010 2:23 pm

anyone else? :(

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trialjunky
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Re: PS Draft Part 2 :)

Postby trialjunky » Fri Jul 30, 2010 2:33 pm

Honestly, it doesn't seem like you changed much, paragraph three the most. You still have an excessive use of the word "other" which seems to be a default word for you in your PS, it appears 8 times. I agree with romo that it would be nice to put more info about your mother. This PS is almost identical to the last one, you should have just posted it in the same thread where ppl already edited that way when they look at the "view your posts" they see this thread and come check on it again.

CanadianWolf
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Re: PS Draft Part 2 :)

Postby CanadianWolf » Fri Jul 30, 2010 3:32 pm

This is very good. The overall theme reveals that you have dealt & are dealing with severe challenges in life that, rather than defeating you, have propelled you into taking constructive action in an effort to care for others while maintaining a mature, reasoned & positive outlook for your own development.
You do not need an additional paragraph as your conclusion is fine & quite effective in demonstrating your strength and determination to confront the tests of life with grace, dignity & optimism.
The subtle & tactful mention of your mother's condition is powerful & needs no further discussion. This personal statement shares much about you, who you are & your many admirable qualities. There is no doubt that you will be successful in all of your endevours.
The difference in tone between your prior draft & this revision is stunning. Clearly you are not hiding behind denial or excessive optimism; you realize the gravity of your situation and have responded in a remarkable fashion.

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Barbie
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Re: PS Draft Part 2 :)

Postby Barbie » Fri Jul 30, 2010 5:09 pm

trialjunky wrote:Honestly, it doesn't seem like you changed much, paragraph three the most. You still have an excessive use of the word "other" which seems to be a default word for you in your PS, it appears 8 times. I agree with romo that it would be nice to put more info about your mother. This PS is almost identical to the last one, you should have just posted it in the same thread where ppl already edited that way when they look at the "view your posts" they see this thread and come check on it again.


I changed a LOT. added groups of sentences, took parts out, did a lot of simple editing. I put it in a new thread because I wanted some people to be able to approach it as a new piece without going through what was already seen/said and how the old one looked. I put a link in the old one.

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Barbie
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Re: PS Draft Part 2 :)

Postby Barbie » Fri Jul 30, 2010 5:10 pm

CanadianWolf wrote:This is very good. The overall theme reveals that you have dealt & are dealing with severe challenges in life that, rather than defeating you, have propelled you into taking constructive action in an effort to care for others while maintaining a mature, reasoned & positive outlook for your own development.
You do not need an additional paragraph as your conclusion is fine & quite effective in demonstrating your strength and determination to confront the tests of life with grace, dignity & optimism.
The subtle & tactful mention of your mother's condition is powerful & needs no further discussion. This personal statement shares much about you, who you are & your many admirable qualities. There is no doubt that you will be successful in all of your endevours.
The difference in tone between your prior draft & this revision is stunning. Clearly you are not hiding behind denial or excessive optimism; you realize the gravity of your situation and have responded in a remarkable fashion.


thanks for your input I am glad you like the changes :)

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trialjunky
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Re: PS Draft Part 2 :)

Postby trialjunky » Fri Jul 30, 2010 5:30 pm

Barbie wrote:
trialjunky wrote:Honestly, it doesn't seem like you changed much, paragraph three the most. You still have an excessive use of the word "other" which seems to be a default word for you in your PS, it appears 8 times. I agree with romo that it would be nice to put more info about your mother. This PS is almost identical to the last one, you should have just posted it in the same thread where ppl already edited that way when they look at the "view your posts" they see this thread and come check on it again.


I changed a LOT. added groups of sentences, took parts out, did a lot of simple editing. I put it in a new thread because I wanted some people to be able to approach it as a new piece without going through what was already seen/said and how the old one looked. I put a link in the old one.


ah, didnt see the link in the old one...smart thinking

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Barbie
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Re: PS Draft Part 2 :)

Postby Barbie » Sat Jul 31, 2010 6:29 pm

any more comments/critiques anyone? I'm really trying to get this finished up and I need advice :(

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billyez
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Re: PS Draft Part 2 :)

Postby billyez » Sat Jul 31, 2010 9:40 pm

Yeah, there's not a lot I can add here, I'm afraid. I recall critiquing this before actually, as I remember how much I liked the first paragraph. I still like it.

I...think I might have to disagree with Canadian Wolf here. I don't think you can end it where it is now. The story feels incomplete to me at this point. In terms of it's thematic viability, you're stellar, but I don't think the bow on this present is tied securely just yet. That's the only major issue I have with it. Let's see if you can craft a conclusion that flows well with the rest of the essay - if it doesn't, well, just keep it like it is and it's still a good PS. But I think it could benefit from just a little more "umph" if you know what I mean.

I suggest removing the exposition after "my tumor". You make it clear that the cancer was deadly and that it had an affect on your life in the next paragraph - to me, that's what's important, not the medical terminology.

Perhaps simply putting "in constant need of their care" instead of "and in a state of needing their care" would make the second sentence of the third paragraph flow better.

"...and instead allowed for it to propelled me into caring more..." - This doesn't sound right to me. How about replacing that comma with a period and having the new sentence read, "Instead, it propelled [or pushed] me into caring more about myself and my life than before" or something to that effect?

I'm not a grammar guru and will readily attest to this fact...but should it be "use their profession" rather than "using" in the last paragraph? Ah, actually, this brings me to another point. I don't feel there's a strong enough transition between the third and fourth paragraph. You could tie the last sentence of the third and first sentence of the fourth paragraphs in tighter fashion. "One of the benefits of this renewed faith in my abilities has been my dream to attend law school." Except, for goodness sake, please don't use my example - it's terrible. Just play around with the idea of making it explicitly clear that this new outlook on life or this faith you grew to have in your abilities had an affect on how focused you were on achieving your dreams and turning that into a great transition.

I want to add that I think what's missing from the final paragraph that either needs to be added to it or elucidated further in a conclusion is what effect working with these attorneys has had on you. You say what they do and you heap praise on them...you do a great job of identifying yourself with those that they serve, but while this is a nice story, you don't use it to give the reader any more insight into who you are. "This has continued to inspire me to pursue my law degree" - is that all? What has it inspired you to do with your law degree? Has it influenced you to use your law degree to serve underprivileged people as well? Come on, Barbie, dig in a bit more here for me and I think you've got a great PS on your hands.

CanadianWolf
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Re: PS Draft Part 2 :)

Postby CanadianWolf » Sat Jul 31, 2010 10:20 pm

The most solid advice that I can offer is that you should not add a concluding paragraph since your current version has a logical conclusion already.
Motions filed in court by young, newly minted attorneys are easy to spot because they tend to be unnecessarily long offering the court every bit of knowledge that they could find on the subject. Experienced attorneys often submit very short, but concise & effective motions to the courts.You are struggling with the concept of an additional concluding paragraph because it is unneeded & will be superfluous.
Young writers have difficulty with subtlety. You are not writing for a young audience. Know your readers & respect their maturity & intelligence.

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Barbie
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Re: PS Draft Part 2 :)

Postby Barbie » Sat Jul 31, 2010 11:24 pm

billyez wrote:I want to add that I think what's missing from the final paragraph that either needs to be added to it or elucidated further in a conclusion is what effect working with these attorneys has had on you. You say what they do and you heap praise on them...you do a great job of identifying yourself with those that they serve, but while this is a nice story, you don't use it to give the reader any more insight into who you are. "This has continued to inspire me to pursue my law degree" - is that all? What has it inspired you to do with your law degree? Has it influenced you to use your law degree to serve underprivileged people as well? Come on, Barbie, dig in a bit more here for me and I think you've got a great PS on your hands.



Is it bad that I don't really know what kind of law I want to do?

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billyez
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Re: PS Draft Part 2 :)

Postby billyez » Sat Jul 31, 2010 11:29 pm

No. I'm sorry about that. I just kind of assumed that it was something along the lines of what the other attorney's were doing and I got the impression it was building up to that. But that's me viewing everything with my public interest tinted glasses.

If that's the case, then I'm starting to lean towards CanadianWolf's take more than I was before. If you don't know what you want to go to law school for yet, there's certainly no reason why you should of write a conclusion that elucidates on that point.

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ArchRoark
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Re: PS Draft Part 2 :)

Postby ArchRoark » Sun Aug 01, 2010 2:32 pm

Ok - first let me say. I was thoroughly engaged while reading the entire PS. All and all I think you have a pretty solid PS and I don't have too many suggestions and the ones I do are perhaps "nit picky."

In the third paragraph you seem to use "others" a lot.

I became passionate about not letting my disease negatively impact my life

This is to me sounds a bit off. I know the sentiment you are trying to get across but I feel almost as if you are discounting the severity of your condition.

and instead allowed for it to propelled me into caring more about myself and my life than before.

in the beginning of the paragraph you talk about helping others then at the end this conclusion makes it sound like you only care about your own life. Perhaps somehow reword it to include helping others in a similar situation? Or if you don't go that route, at the very least myself and my life seems a bit redundant.

to work with and for people

same thing here - bit redundant.. I would pick one.

Without charging a fee, they take the time to listen and aid the people of their community, who are often, like myself, stricken with steep medical bills and other hardships. My family has felt the repercussions of extreme financial burden due to unpredictable circumstance. My mother was diagnosed with breast cancer only two months before my tumor was found.

Your mothers cancer seems almost like just dropped in there. I would work on a better transition and tie it more fully to how it is motivating you to go to law school.

The attorney's I work for understand life's burdens and genuinely strive to help people, rather than just expand their list of clients.

The bolded part just seems unneeded. It doesn;t add anything to me and I can see how it could put some people off.

I think your conclusion is fine tbh.

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GoodToBeTheKing
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Re: PS Draft Part 2 :)

Postby GoodToBeTheKing » Sun Aug 01, 2010 3:55 pm

I am not sure if you have changed this or not but your first sentence is present tense and the next sentence is past tense... very awkward, and makes it very hard to read.

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Barbie
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Re: PS Draft Part 2 :)

Postby Barbie » Sun Aug 01, 2010 4:46 pm

GoodToBeTheKing wrote:I am not sure if you have changed this or not but your first sentence is present tense and the next sentence is past tense... very awkward, and makes it very hard to read.


The second sentence is also present tense.... "trail me" "towards"....

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Barbie
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Re: PS Draft Part 2 :)

Postby Barbie » Sun Aug 01, 2010 4:50 pm

Barbie wrote:
GoodToBeTheKing wrote:I am not sure if you have changed this or not but your first sentence is present tense and the next sentence is past tense... very awkward, and makes it very hard to read.


The second sentence is also present tense.... "trail me" "towards"....


Since your reasoning for why it is hard to read is false, I am hoping you can provide me with a different critique that is why it is hard to read? I am hoping to resolve this problem... :)

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romothesavior
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Re: PS Draft Part 2 :)

Postby romothesavior » Mon Aug 02, 2010 12:00 am

NR is right that many people aren't fans of contractions in the PS, but I personally am not one of them. I simply don't think of the PS as a formal piece of writing, and I've never heard any comments from a dean or adcomm to make me think otherwise. Should it be professional and polished? Without a doubt. Formal and stuffy? I'd say no. I suppose it couldn't hurt to cut down on them a bit in the first paragraph, but contractions are fine, IMO and they didn't jump out when I first read it.

Other than that, I think NR's comments are spot-on.

And no Barbie, it doesn't have to talk about what kind of law you want to do or even specifically mention why you want to practice law. The purpose of the PS is to show adcomms a taste of who you are.




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