Help with my PS?

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
mikecw23
Posts: 18
Joined: Wed May 07, 2008 7:36 pm

Help with my PS?

Postby mikecw23 » Thu Jul 29, 2010 10:25 am

..........
Last edited by mikecw23 on Thu Jan 13, 2011 7:41 am, edited 1 time in total.

PrincessLexiRae
Posts: 25
Joined: Thu Mar 18, 2010 3:17 pm

Re: Help with my PS?

Postby PrincessLexiRae » Thu Jul 29, 2010 10:34 am

PM it to me. I can't guarantee that I will be a lot of help but would love to try to give you some feedback.

mikecw23
Posts: 18
Joined: Wed May 07, 2008 7:36 pm

Re: Help with my PS?

Postby mikecw23 » Thu Jul 29, 2010 10:39 am

thanks!

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Zannie1986
Posts: 70
Joined: Sat Sep 26, 2009 7:43 pm

Re: Help with my PS?

Postby Zannie1986 » Thu Jul 29, 2010 11:11 am

I'll take a look at it too

mikecw23
Posts: 18
Joined: Wed May 07, 2008 7:36 pm

Re: Help with my PS?

Postby mikecw23 » Fri Jul 30, 2010 3:03 am

.........................
Last edited by mikecw23 on Thu Jan 13, 2011 7:42 am, edited 1 time in total.

mikecw23
Posts: 18
Joined: Wed May 07, 2008 7:36 pm

Re: Help with my PS?

Postby mikecw23 » Fri Jul 30, 2010 11:39 pm

bump

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billyez
Posts: 868
Joined: Sun Jun 14, 2009 6:19 pm

Re: Help with my PS?

Postby billyez » Sat Jul 31, 2010 12:25 am

What's missing in the second-to-last paragraph is why you felt law was the appropriate choice. You talk about researching it and talking to people about it, but don't explain that moment when you finally understood that this was the right path for you. There's a lot semi-colons in the second-to-last paragraph as well. The first one in the first sentence is unnecessary.

Sometimes, simple is better and I like the rather direct tone this is written in. I think the story about the ACL and working through the pain conveys something about you. It's not really developed, but it's there.

I don't particularly like the references to you being somewhat lost during your early years in college and not performing well. I suggest taking those out and going straight to Mock Trial. You can even note that you were lost in regards to what you wanted to do for a profession and then you found Mock Trial. You could just keep the first part of the sentence in the fourth paragraph and then put the Mock Trial stuff after the comma. Around here, there's a very clear consensus that grades and such should not be mentioned very often or at all in a PS...so perhaps I'm being a little hard on you on this point.

Take out the title.

CanadianWolf
Posts: 10439
Joined: Wed Mar 24, 2010 4:54 pm

Re: Help with my PS?

Postby CanadianWolf » Sat Jul 31, 2010 11:23 am

"As a dedicated high school wrestler, my goal was to wrestle at a Division 1 university. Unfortunately, I suffered a career ending injury after which I switched my focus to participation on a mock trial team. This sparked my interest in law school. Please admit me."
The above paragraph is the substance of your essay. Delete the rest of your original six paragraphs.
Last edited by CanadianWolf on Sun Aug 01, 2010 12:36 pm, edited 1 time in total.

CanadianWolf
Posts: 10439
Joined: Wed Mar 24, 2010 4:54 pm

Re: Help with my PS?

Postby CanadianWolf » Sat Jul 31, 2010 11:45 am

Have you taken the LSAT yet ?

mikecw23
Posts: 18
Joined: Wed May 07, 2008 7:36 pm

Re: Help with my PS?

Postby mikecw23 » Sun Aug 01, 2010 5:37 am

.......
Last edited by mikecw23 on Thu Jan 13, 2011 7:42 am, edited 1 time in total.

CanadianWolf
Posts: 10439
Joined: Wed Mar 24, 2010 4:54 pm

Re: Help with my PS?

Postby CanadianWolf » Sun Aug 01, 2010 11:24 am

Your writing is clear & well organized.
I apologize for the harshness of my first comment as your essay ended up being read amongst a group of exceptional writings.
The clarity of thought as well as your demonstrated ability to focus & dedicate your energies toward achieving your goal are the strengths of your personal statement. The predictability is a concern because your writing might not stand out at the most selective law schools. I have read many similiar compositions which were from students applying to college.

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billyez
Posts: 868
Joined: Sun Jun 14, 2009 6:19 pm

Re: Help with my PS?

Postby billyez » Sun Aug 01, 2010 2:53 pm

mikecw23 wrote:yeah i got a 168 in June and I'm retaking in October. I don't have some huge reason for going to law school or a life changing event where i almost died or was beaten daily as a child. So in terms of actual story this is the best it's going to get. I'm more concerned about the things within my PS that need work, such as grammar or ways to make it sound better.


I've always been a little perplexed when folks would make it sound like there needs to be a crisis in order for them to have a reason. If you don't have a reason, that's fine and I wouldn't advocate trying to craft one for the PS's sake. As a reader, though, I kept getting the impression that in the midst of all this preparation, interest, and hard work that was dedicated specifically for the goal of going to law school that you had a reason that was driving you forward.

I just noticed this - take out the semi-colon in the last sentence.

In any case, congrats on the 168 - that's a great score!




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