Rough Draft 1st paragraph

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Rough Draft 1st paragraph

Postby lawguy87 » Wed Jul 28, 2010 7:34 pm

Please read and let me know what you think. Constructive criticism is appreciated. This was written as a "get your thoughts on paper" draft.


1,972 days, that’s roughly 5.5 years of my life not only in pursuit of what some see as “a good stopping point in education” attaining my bachelor’s degree, but hands down the most transformative time I have ever lived through. For the people that know the story of my life the best they say “with all you have been through you still want to go for more and a law degree at that”, and my answer is unequivocally yes. In that 5.5 year period since I have been mentally and emotionally challenged with one ultimate goal, to make my family proud of my accomplishments all while showing my younger family members that their life does not have to be a continuation of a customary cycle BOTH SIDES of my family has been stuck in since our beginning. I sit now and think about how funny my life is in that my challenging moments seemed to appear after finishing high school, when we are supposed to transition from a child to an adult. Some of my darkest days as an ambitious undergraduate were burdened with trying to hold my family together as my parents were gearing up for separation and possible divorce due to infidelity and years of drug abuse, as well as welcoming and caring for extended family due to the devastation of Hurricane Katrina, which lasted for nearly two years. This all coupled with being a full time student with full time employment. It is easier to try and summarize the difficulties I have faced in writing, but actually living through the problems life chooses to give us is on a another plane entirely. I was once asked if I could change any part of my life to accommodate my academic career, would I. My answer still remains the same, no I wouldn’t. The things that have transpired in my life all played a major role in shaping the type of person I have come to be. My challenges have empowered me to become a headstrong individual with a very sound list of core values, the use of common sense being the first. The life lessons I have learned as well as the skills I have harnessed as a business student has made me a person hungry for knowledge and ready for new challenges, the type of challenges law school has to offer.

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Re: Rough Draft 1st paragraph

Postby starrydecisus » Thu Jul 29, 2010 10:11 am

I think you should tighten up on an overall theme-- It's a bit heavy for an introductory paragraph and needs to be refined and streamlined. Also, the 5.5 year period seems to me a bit awkward for a theme. I don't get a sense of why it's important to know that it's 5.5 years. I also don't get a sense of why you want to go to law school until the very end of the paragraph, more than just "you want more education." So maybe try to cut out some fluff and add that in sooner. Hope this helps =) Good luck!

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