First Draft PS - All comments welcome

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
2011bub
Posts: 1
Joined: Wed Jul 28, 2010 3:13 am

First Draft PS - All comments welcome

Postby 2011bub » Wed Jul 28, 2010 3:24 am

Deleted

Thanks for the help!
Last edited by 2011bub on Wed Jul 28, 2010 1:58 pm, edited 1 time in total.

plazaro89
Posts: 2
Joined: Tue May 18, 2010 11:59 pm

Re: First Draft PS - All comments welcome

Postby plazaro89 » Wed Jul 28, 2010 4:59 am

Do you really think talking about your drug use won't ask more questions rather than giver admissions committees answers? just a question. You're def. a good writer though.

kmap
Posts: 89
Joined: Wed May 12, 2010 11:30 am

Re: First Draft PS - All comments welcome

Postby kmap » Wed Jul 28, 2010 6:52 am

On the contrary, I think the problem here is the style, not the content. This is way too thesaurus-happy. Some of your usages of fancy terms are incorrect. Why not just use more natural phrasing? It will come off as more sincere anyhow.

CanadianWolf
Posts: 10439
Joined: Wed Mar 24, 2010 4:54 pm

Re: First Draft PS - All comments welcome

Postby CanadianWolf » Wed Jul 28, 2010 8:44 am

Clear writing is not your strength. This is a poorly written essay. Your writing style is contrived & awkward making the reader feel uncomfortable. Little evidence of clarity of thought. Too much BS, too little substance.

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dominkay
Posts: 355
Joined: Fri Apr 02, 2010 4:41 pm

Re: First Draft PS - All comments welcome

Postby dominkay » Wed Jul 28, 2010 8:56 am

kmap wrote:On the contrary, I think the problem here is the style, not the content. This is way too thesaurus-happy. Some of your usages of fancy terms are incorrect. Why not just use more natural phrasing? It will come off as more sincere anyhow.


Agree. This was painful to read.

OP, try writing closer to how you actually think. You sound incredibly pretentious. The fancy words you're using aren't even impressive; who doesn't know the words "latter" or "dispute"? But the way you use them is awkward.

I recommend this book: http://www.bartleby.com/141/

Spykuh
Posts: 156
Joined: Sun Jul 25, 2010 1:53 pm

Re: First Draft PS - All comments welcome

Postby Spykuh » Wed Jul 28, 2010 1:32 pm

I think you need to start from scratch. This is making the same mistakes that so many other people make. As Ivey says, there is a difference between a personal statement and a statement of purpose. There is almost nothing in this that points to your personality. Most of what you say is just overly generalized and convoluted statements about the law.

There is no dispute that law affects the conditions of society on every level. Contributions to society can rarely be achieved in a more fluid manner than through the law, and to some ends there is no improvement of social conditions which does not involve the law. My intent is to make such a contribution, whether it be as an advocate or an academic, and ultimately benefit society.


I guarantee that adcomms will actually groan outloud when they read this. It sounds like you have the workings of an inflection essay, and I would try working from that angle instead of "why law".




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