My first personal statement is raw and needs torn apart.....

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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My first personal statement is raw and needs torn apart.....

Postby wolfpack11 » Tue Jul 27, 2010 4:07 am

I never would have imagined myself this way at age twenty-one. Roughly four years ago, I was a young man well on his way to the Military Academy at West Point. Then came a slight injury, along with radiologist who decided to leave work before thoroughly reading my MRI result. His early departure may wind up costing me my left leg as time goes on. My proceeding return to life has been difficult, and it still is to this day. The past four years have shown me four of the most horrific surgeries known to human beings, including a bone transplant. I will not ever run again, but I will always struggle to walk. I do not mind taking the elevator because stairs tend to hurt more than they help. My hair is not going to grow back anytime soon, but that is the least of my problems. I never would have imagined being handicapped was this difficult, yet it has taught me many valuable lessons about being a lawyer.
Life has since gone on, and so have I. Choosing not to sue the physician was a tough decision, but I do not regret it. I believe his intent was not too hurt, but his negligence has led me to understand the professional responsibilities of doctors and lawyers alike. One negligent professional has put a seemingly endless obstacle in my life, but a phenomenal professional has helped me get back some of what I have lost. He has given me a chance to live a somewhat normal life between surgeries. After my bone transplant, I ventured out in to the real world and worked. My work experience came to a halt in March of 2010 as the lower part of my leg continued to deteriorate. Most people go on vacation for Spring Break, but I had the unfortunate luxury of having the tendons and ligaments in the lower part of my leg sewn back to their respective bones. It was the fourth surgery, but it will not be the last.
When most people would have given up, I have refused to do so. My grades remained solid throughout my college career as I have juggled surgery, physical therapy, and work while mixing in volunteer hours. I have continued my hard work, and now find myself asking for admission to the xyz School of Law.
This experience in my life has undoubtedly made me a better person. My eyes have come to notice things that once seemed minuscule to me. For instance, I have yet to shop in a (Is it to okay to name the specific store?) that provides reasonable accommodations for people in wheelchairs or on crutches. I have noticed that my insurance company’s representatives stand firm in their denial policy for what they consider to be an “experimental surgical procedure” when they are dealing with a naïve twenty-one year old. Moments later, I heard the same gentlemen capitulate to a healthcare attorney, and agree that surgery was necessary.

Working on an Ending,
I also plan to talk a little a bit about how being handicapped adds diversity,
I also will incorporate why I like the schools certain healthcare courses/program

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Re: My first personal statement is raw and needs torn apart.....

Postby inmans » Tue Jul 27, 2010 11:15 pm

i don't want to be harsh...

-but you need to leave all of the grotesque details of your injury completely out. it's enough to say that you suffered a serious don't have to discuss the merits of your injury.

-it reads a little bit like a list of things about yourself.

-there really isn't much of a narrative, so it's difficult to engage the reader

-you really tell me nothing about how your injury has led to a genuine interest in law (and what you do say sounds a little disingenuine - you never really sell me on the idea that you are passionate about healthcare law) .

-you demonstrate nothing about how this experience has made you a better person - if anything, you sound bitter

i would try to pick a single theme and stick with that throughout the writing sample... hope this helps

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Re: My first personal statement is raw and needs torn apart.....

Postby CanadianWolf » Tue Jul 27, 2010 11:45 pm

The first time that I read your personal statement I was disturbed by your failure to seek compensation for your tragic loss especially since most medical malpractice attorneys would take this type of case on a contingency fee basis. This failure raised questions about the veracity of your claim that the injury was due to negligence of the radiologist & raised concerns about your commonsense and judgment. My emotional upset turned to anger when I read that your insurance company initially failed to authorize payment for your treatment. In the real world, medical practitioners use relentless bill collectors for amounts that are often less than a few cups of coffee at Starbucks. And it doesn't matter if the medical bill is correct or incorrect, it can affect your credit. I have many horror stories & have seen lots of bankruptcies due to emergency healthcare bills.
I like your writing style, but I question your judgment & I think that admissions officers might also wonder if you are being totally open about the cause of your injury & if you are entering the right profession. If you advised a client not to sue under your claimed circumstances, that might constitute a devastating legal malpractice claim against you & your firm that would harm the profession. Also it's the US Military Academy at West Point. Leaving out the US might offend a lot of folks.

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Re: My first personal statement is raw and needs torn apart.....

Postby Lawquacious » Wed Jul 28, 2010 12:18 am

inmans wrote: you need to leave all of the grotesque details of your injury completely out. it's enough to say that you suffered a serious don't have to discuss the merits of your injury.

?? Confused about ^^^^

.. maybe the original post was edited before this was posted (but after 'inmans' read the PS), but I am thinking there needs to be more explanation of the injury/condition, not less. I really have no idea what the condition might be, nor do I have a clear idea why the doctor waiting a day to look at results ended up being such a problem (given that there are no specifics).

I do think the point about maintaining one theme is a good one, though it seems to me you did a reasonably good job of that. Fleshing out your difficult (and ongoing experience) by giving more details I think will help. Tying this into your interest in law could be a good thing, but stretching it too much (unless your injury/condition really is the entire basis of your interest in law) could come off as 'cheesy' and may be best to avoid. If you can just use your experience to show how you have grown in character and understanding I think that is sufficient. Not every PS needs to focus explicitly (or at least primarily) on an interest in law IMO.

Your experience is unusual and very much challenging. I would use this as your PS topic as you are attempting to do. I would try to be more detailed, make sure it flows well, and try to make a strong emotional connection with the reader. You have unusually good material to work with due (ironically) to your unusually bad circumstances. Aside from that just make sure the grammar is impeccable.

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