Why Michigan take 2, advice please

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dabbadon8
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Why Michigan take 2, advice please

Postby dabbadon8 » Mon Jul 26, 2010 8:37 pm

Still pretty rough as I just rewrote a good portion. Let me know what you think. As I mentioned in another thread, this is my first "why?" essay. I have not visited nor will I be able to before apps are sent. Is the opening too "kiss ass-y?" Sound too much like it's completely website based? ( I mean it is but, too obvious?) Basically in the interview with the dean he said. don't make it sound pro forma, let me know if mine does and if it does what I can do about it. Also it is at 415 words right now, is that too much? Thanks!

Since I was old enough to understand the concept of college, my cousin Larry has been extolling the virtues of the University of Michigan. One would think his rambling’s would have been lost on a child of seven, but as I began my search for a law school I remembered his passionate raves and made it a point to find out what had made such an impression. It turned out that what I found was my top choice for law school.

I intend to pursue a career in public interest that will allow me to utilize my background in psychology. I came to appreciate the tangible connection between the two fields after an undergraduate psychology course assigned “Social Science and the Evolving Standards of Death Penalty Law,” co-authored by Phoebe Ellsworth. As a result of the article and my internship experience in criminal law, I have become especially interested in the continuing development of death penalty policy. I believe that conducting research under professor Ellsworth, a preeminent scholar in psychology, law, and the death penalty in particular, would provide me skills and experience that would be invaluable assets in achieving my academic and career goals. I am also interested in participating in the Criminal Appellate Practice Clinic in order to build upon my background in criminal law. I believe I am an excellent candidate for this clinic due to my ability to provided alternative perspectives and insight gained through my experience as an intern with the State Attorney’s Office.

In addition to academic factors, Michigan’s location and environment make the school an excellent personal fit. I attended undergrad in a college town and found that the focus on the university created a sense of community unlike anywhere I have ever lived. Ann Arbor’s collegial reputation and Midwest location makes Michigan more appealing then other top law schools located in unfriendly urban surroundings. In keeping with the school's reputation, and after speaking with many current and past students, I would describe the student body as open minded, grounded and diverse. These qualities are crucial to varied intellectual conversation and are a major factor in my decision.

The appeal of Michigan’s impressive academics and attractive location is further augmented by the university’s rich history, architectural beauty, and national reputation. When all factors are taken into consideration, Michigan stands apart as my top choice for law schools.
Last edited by dabbadon8 on Mon Jul 26, 2010 11:16 pm, edited 6 times in total.

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PotatoMonkey
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Re: Why Michigan take 2, advice please

Postby PotatoMonkey » Mon Jul 26, 2010 8:43 pm

Two things caught my eye:

Rambling's = ramblings (second sentence), and I do believe (correct me if mistaken) that the "p" in "professor Ellsworth" should be capitalized, as it is her title.

dabbadon8
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Re: Why Michigan take 2, advice please

Postby dabbadon8 » Mon Jul 26, 2010 8:46 pm

PotatoMonkey wrote:Two things caught my eye:

Rambling's = ramblings (second sentence), and I do believe (correct me if mistaken) that the "p" in "professor Ellsworth" should be capitalized, as it is her title.



Thanks. Edits made.

CanadianWolf
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Re: Why Michigan take 2, advice please

Postby CanadianWolf » Mon Jul 26, 2010 9:02 pm

Adequate, but consider deleting the last paragraph. Change to "contribute to the diversity of Michigan's incoming class."

dabbadon8
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Re: Why Michigan take 2, advice please

Postby dabbadon8 » Mon Jul 26, 2010 9:05 pm

CanadianWolf wrote:Adequate, but consider deleting the last paragraph. Change to "contribute to the diversity of Michigan's incoming class."


May I ask why? How could I improve it? I wanted to tie back to the beginning.

CanadianWolf
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Re: Why Michigan take 2, advice please

Postby CanadianWolf » Mon Jul 26, 2010 9:07 pm

Your last paragraph trivializes Michigan's law school & comes off as being too cutesy.

inmans
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Re: Why Michigan take 2, advice please

Postby inmans » Mon Jul 26, 2010 9:14 pm

"Now I am the one who is raving."

why... have you been accepted? Do you have some sort of genuine? familiarity with the school? This line seems out of place.

"I believe the opportunity to conduct research under Professor Ellsworth, a preeminent scholar in both psychology, law, and the death penalty in particular, would be an invaluable asset in achieving my academic and career goals"

The opportunity would be an invaluable asset? I might be off base... but this doesn't seem correct... Your research might offer you tools that would be "assets", but I dont think the "opportunity" alone would be an "invaluable asset".

"In confirmation of the schools reputation"

sounds awkward...

"I believe my varied experiences in law and as a professional musician would contribute to the diversity of the incoming class. "

seems like extraneous information that should already be conveyed in other portions of your application

I like it as a whole though... fwiw

dabbadon8
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Re: Why Michigan take 2, advice please

Postby dabbadon8 » Mon Jul 26, 2010 9:37 pm

Edits made based on the past two posts. Check it out.

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holydonkey
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Re: Why Michigan take 2, advice please

Postby holydonkey » Mon Jul 26, 2010 9:55 pm

I think you need to approach the "why blank" essay the same way you would a firm interview. part of it is why you're interested in them and part of it is what you have to offer them. Your essay focuses almost exclusively on why you like Michigan. what do have to offer the school?

I would also try to narrow the focus of it. Pick law and psychology or some other thing and go into depth on this topic - right now it's kind of scattershot.

dabbadon8
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Re: Why Michigan take 2, advice please

Postby dabbadon8 » Mon Jul 26, 2010 10:00 pm

holydonkey wrote:I think you need to approach the "why blank" essay the same way you would a firm interview. part of it is why you're interested in them and part of it is what you have to offer them. Your essay focuses almost exclusively on why you like Michigan. what do have to offer the school?

I would also try to narrow the focus of it. Pick law and psychology or some other thing and go into depth on this topic - right now it's kind of scattershot.


I agree with adding more about what I can bring and will work on that. I saw some other Why essays, especially the why michigan ones in Ken's PS guide and they focused on multiple facets. Any one with other opinions on this?

ArmyVet07
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Re: Why Michigan take 2, advice please

Postby ArmyVet07 » Mon Jul 26, 2010 10:22 pm

I believe "Midwest" is more common than "mid-west."

Also, you should change "the schools reputation" to "the school's reputation."

dabbadon8
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Re: Why Michigan take 2, advice please

Postby dabbadon8 » Mon Jul 26, 2010 10:39 pm

ArmyVet07 wrote:I believe "Midwest" is more common than "mid-west."

Also, you should change "the schools reputation" to "the school's reputation."


Changes made. Thanks.

Anyone have any other feedback?




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