Close to final draft - any criticism is welcome- thanks

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
inmans
Posts: 63
Joined: Sun Mar 22, 2009 8:12 pm

Close to final draft - any criticism is welcome- thanks

Postby inmans » Sun Jul 25, 2010 11:31 pm

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Last edited by inmans on Sun Mar 18, 2012 12:08 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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billyez
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Re: Close to final draft - any criticism is welcome- thanks

Postby billyez » Mon Jul 26, 2010 12:28 am

Whenever someone tells me that they can't write a decent PS because their life has been "ordinary" and they don't have any really terrible trial or tribulation they've experienced that they can write about I will point them to this PS and tell them that they don't have an excuse.

What I like about this is that it's plainly written, to the point, and honest. When I finished the second-to-last paragraph, I was totally convinced that your experience as a lacrosse player was a transformative one and that your athletic career made a distinguishable mark on your personality - for the better.

I really liked that you didn't try force your experience into something that was revelatory in regards to your desire to attend law school. It's refreshing that you're honest about that. I thought it would have cheapened the PS had you done so. Await further responses from other posters that either affirm or deny my initial impression before you make up your mind regarding the quality of this PS, but besides a few tweaks here and there that folks can argue about, I'd say this is good writing.

inmans
Posts: 63
Joined: Sun Mar 22, 2009 8:12 pm

Re: Close to final draft - any criticism is welcome- thanks

Postby inmans » Mon Jul 26, 2010 7:31 pm

Anyone else?

I'd be glad to offer feedback (on your PS) in return...

Thanks!

miamiman
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Re: Close to final draft - any criticism is welcome- thanks

Postby miamiman » Mon Jul 26, 2010 7:38 pm

This is a solid PS.

The only critique I'd have -- and it's a minor one -- is that you might want to incorporate more "so what" at the end. So you've had this humbling experience and it's led to greater self-awareness. You say it's going to shape your career. I might like more detail in that area. Perhaps you see ready parallels between your career in lacrosse and what you aspire to become as an attorney; an interaction with a coach that solidified something in your mind. Really anything to strengthen the conclusory part of your statement. Otherwise, outstanding work.

NonTradHealthLaw
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Joined: Mon May 03, 2010 2:44 pm

Re: Close to final draft - any criticism is welcome- thanks

Postby NonTradHealthLaw » Mon Jul 26, 2010 7:48 pm

I disgree wholeheartedly with miamiman. Part of the effectiveness is that you aren't trying to force a metaphor where it doesn't belong. It's interesting, poignant, illustrative and humble...not to mention well-written and -edited. Maybe consider identifying your stats after your revelation (especially if assists, defensive stops, body sacrifices increased rather than "glory" stats) but totally unnecessary in my opinion. Well done!

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billyez
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Re: Close to final draft - any criticism is welcome- thanks

Postby billyez » Mon Jul 26, 2010 8:31 pm

I disagree with the identification of stats for a rather simple reason - you can't assume that the reader knows what those stats really mean. I don't know anything about lacrosse...so if you started talking about assists, defensive stops and body sacrifices it would fly right over my head. The adcomm who reads this might be in the same position.

miamiman
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Re: Close to final draft - any criticism is welcome- thanks

Postby miamiman » Mon Jul 26, 2010 8:41 pm

NonTradHealthLaw wrote:I disgree wholeheartedly with miamiman. Part of the effectiveness is that you aren't trying to force a metaphor where it doesn't belong. It's interesting, poignant, illustrative and humble...not to mention well-written and -edited. Maybe consider identifying your stats after your revelation (especially if assists, defensive stops, body sacrifices increased rather than "glory" stats) but totally unnecessary in my opinion. Well done!


When the "why law school" bit is done well, it's universally an asset, not a detriment.

CanadianWolf
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Re: Close to final draft - any criticism is welcome- thanks

Postby CanadianWolf » Mon Jul 26, 2010 8:42 pm

This is so well written that I predict judges are actually going to read your court filings!

inmans
Posts: 63
Joined: Sun Mar 22, 2009 8:12 pm

Re: Close to final draft - any criticism is welcome- thanks

Postby inmans » Mon Jul 26, 2010 9:04 pm

This is a little off topic... but, if you all could offer your insight, I would appreciate it.

I am applying to UVA as a VA resident... I have a 3.52/170... 3 LOR from professors that know me well... community involvement... etc, the usual softs... Do you think that this will warrant any kind of scholarship consideration from UVA if I apply regular decision?

I am contemplating applying ED to UVA... but I feel like any leverage in scholarship consideration will be lost if I go this route.

Thanks for the feedback.

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billyez
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Re: Close to final draft - any criticism is welcome- thanks

Postby billyez » Mon Jul 26, 2010 9:11 pm

If you check the UVA threads from last cycle, there were many individuals who received the same kind of scholarship consideration that they expected even after ED'ing. I'm not just pushing for my future alma mater here - there were folks who had the same concerns as you, but many of them (on this board, anyway) seem to have had those concerns assuaged.

That being said, I'd only ED if you really know this is where you want to go. I was lucky that I discovered that I really liked Charlottesville (that I liked Virginia as a state, from what I've seen) when I visited, but...you know, just be sure, dude.

I hope to see you there next year then!




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