revised rough draft...please help me out

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
dabbadon8
Posts: 767
Joined: Tue May 11, 2010 2:17 am

revised rough draft...please help me out

Postby dabbadon8 » Sat Jul 03, 2010 6:35 pm

Edit: Revised versions are below, leaving the above ones so people can see the critques and before and afters.

Posted a much rougher draft that got ripped to shreds. This is still relatively rough but hopefully better. Could still be crap but what do I know thats why I am here. Anyways, I appreciate any feed back especially in regards to structure and content. Thanks!

It is mid-November 2008 and I am sitting in a trailer. My bass guitar is lying next to me. Four hundred feet from the trailer is a group of thirty thousand people who I am waiting to entertain. Tom Johnston, the lead singer of The Doobie Brothers, has just left the trailer after wishing us luck. The band I founded is moments away from playing our largest show. It is the pinnacle of an eight-year journey through the music industry but it is truly a bittersweet moment. Several weeks before that show, the other three members of the band informed me they intended to move to Nashville to pursue a record deal. I was already aware, however, that the time had come to make a decision. My band mates would continually raze me “If we ever get a record deal, you’re going to quit the band and stay in school, aren’t you?” I would laugh it off, but at the time I didn’t know what I wanted.
The band had under gone a dramatic evolution from the original incarnation’s humble beginnings. From inception, I took the responsibility of assuming the role of manager. During our infancy I pleaded with local bars to allow us to play for free, now I was able support my college expenses. The previous summer I had secured the band an engagement to be the opening act for the group Kansas and subsequently we had become in demand. Shows were being booked at an unprecedented rate and the balancing act between school and music became increasingly difficult. We played in cities two hours away, leaving at six p.m. and not returning till four a.m., several times a week. Success was spurring me to make a decision, and before the band came to speak to me, I had already made up my mind.
The day that the band informed me of their plans; I told them I had made a decision to complete my education and pursue law school. While it may have appeared to others that I was taking the “safe” route, it was music itself that motivated my choice. My introduction to the field came through learning how to copyright songs I had written. This initial interest ultimately spread to all areas of the legal realm, and the intellectual and ethical intrigue I found in law drove me to seek it out as a career. When the time came to commit to a vocation, I came to the realization that the elements I loved in music; analyzing content, comparing the use of different concepts in various situations, and the ability to creatively interpret compositions, were the same things that drew me to law. I decided on a legal career because it offers me the intellectual stimulation that I love in music combined with ability to address a variety of potent issues.
The following spring break, while my friends were vacationing, I went to interview for an internship at the Miami State Attorney’s office. Two months later I found myself in a corner office hearing a stern voice warning me; “Remember this is for this man’s life!” It was my responsibility to complete a death penalty evaluation to determine whether the prosecution would seek capital punishment in the case of a double homicide. In front of me was a stack of papers containing all the legal precedents and at my feet sat a box, which contained all the relevant details I would have in order to decide whether a 23-year-old man would be tried for his life. Over the course of several days I reviewed the case, discussing all the relevant case law, and arguing my interpretation of the facts with my supervisor. I relished the opportunity to discuss issues with so many ethical facets. Moreover, I found it extremely rewarding to challenge myself intellectually while helping to serve the public. The experience gained in that office removed any doubt, that I had made the correct choice of careers.
The process of deciding between my two passions served as an affirmation of my commitment to the field of law. Through carefully examining my priorities, I came to the conclusion that a career in the legal field would fulfill my need for invigorating intellectual stimulation as music had done, while also providing me the opportunity to directly serve the community. If admitted, it is my intention to use the exceptional legal education offered at your institution to pursue a career in the field of public interest law through which I will be challenged by the intellectual and ethical rigors that lead me to decide on law as my chosen profession. I am going forward with no regrets, and if one day Tom Johnston comes calling, I may not be able to share the stage, but I will undoubtedly be able to offer sound legal advice.
Last edited by dabbadon8 on Wed Jul 07, 2010 1:49 pm, edited 4 times in total.

dabbadon8
Posts: 767
Joined: Tue May 11, 2010 2:17 am

Re: revised rough draft...please help me out

Postby dabbadon8 » Sun Jul 04, 2010 7:23 pm

Also I am having trouble thinking of another sentence or two for the last paragraph to close with. I was thinking about something along the lines of... not verbatim but: I just hope I am not on the opposing side of a musician because I might have a bit of a soft spot. To try and incorporate a little
humor.

edit: thought of an idea and put it in, let me know what you think

Scott4LLM
Posts: 19
Joined: Mon Jul 05, 2010 2:51 pm

Re: revised rough draft...please help me out

Postby Scott4LLM » Mon Jul 05, 2010 4:10 pm

Bravo! A PS that I was actually interested to proceed through. I am surprised an earlier version was ripped to theads.
A few technical points..
--"mid-November" Skip the "mid"--who cares?
--I think the bandmembers hazed you or razzed you; it's unlikely they razed you.
--"I was able" : I would even say "it" rather than "I"...who is doing the supporting? you aren't, the band is.
--"plans;" typo, should be comma
--something is wrong with the timeline, at least as I read it. In the first paragraph you say taht several weeks before the show, they told you they were moving. Yet when you say "I was already aware, however, that the time had come to make a decision." I read it that at the time of the show you hadn't decided. But then I read "The day that the band informed me of their plans; I told them I had made a decision to complete my education and pursue law school." I guess in retrospect the reason it was bittersweet is because you had already decided, but this all is unnecesarily confusing.
--"I decided on a legal career because it offers me the intellectual stimulation that I love in music combined with ability to address a variety of potent issues." This is the worst part. Basically you are saying that law and music both have intellectual stimulation (and I like how you delineate music's) but you are choosing law because it has the added benefit of--drumroll-- "ability to address a variety of potent issues" You gave up 30,000 fans, you better explain more than that vapid phrase!
--I would say "vacationing in Miami" so that you could drop the "Miami State" juxtaposition, which is awkward
--"it is my intention to use the exceptional legal education offered at your institution" eye-roller...stop the empty brownnosing
--ending is a little cheesy, but I like it

dabbadon8
Posts: 767
Joined: Tue May 11, 2010 2:17 am

Re: revised rough draft...please help me out

Postby dabbadon8 » Mon Jul 05, 2010 4:49 pm

Scott4LLM wrote:Bravo! A PS that I was actually interested to proceed through. I am surprised an earlier version was ripped to theads.
A few technical points..
--"mid-November" Skip the "mid"--who cares?
--I think the bandmembers hazed you or razzed you; it's unlikely they razed you.
--"I was able" : I would even say "it" rather than "I"...who is doing the supporting? you aren't, the band is.
--"plans;" typo, should be comma
--something is wrong with the timeline, at least as I read it. In the first paragraph you say taht several weeks before the show, they told you they were moving. Yet when you say "I was already aware, however, that the time had come to make a decision." I read it that at the time of the show you hadn't decided. But then I read "The day that the band informed me of their plans; I told them I had made a decision to complete my education and pursue law school." I guess in retrospect the reason it was bittersweet is because you had already decided, but this all is unnecesarily confusing.
--"I decided on a legal career because it offers me the intellectual stimulation that I love in music combined with ability to address a variety of potent issues." This is the worst part. Basically you are saying that law and music both have intellectual stimulation (and I like how you delineate music's) but you are choosing law because it has the added benefit of--drumroll-- "ability to address a variety of potent issues" You gave up 30,000 fans, you better explain more than that vapid phrase!
--I would say "vacationing in Miami" so that you could drop the "Miami State" juxtaposition, which is awkward
--"it is my intention to use the exceptional legal education offered at your institution" eye-roller...stop the empty brownnosing
--ending is a little cheesy, but I like it



Thanks for the feedback! I agree with everything for the most part and did some editing... let me know what you think.


It is November 2008 and I am sitting in a trailer. My bass guitar is lying next to me. Four hundred feet from the trailer is a group of thirty thousand people who I am waiting to entertain. Tom Johnston, the lead singer of The Doobie Brothers, has just left the trailer after wishing us luck. The band I founded is moments away from playing our largest show. It is the pinnacle of an eight-year journey through the music industry but it is truly a bittersweet moment. Several weeks before that show, the other three members of the band informed me they intended to move to Nashville to pursue a record deal. I had already known, however, that the time had come to make a decision. Beginning in our formative days my band mates would continually razz me “If we ever get a record deal, you’re going to quit the band and go to law school, aren’t you?” I would pretend to laugh it off, but their jokes provoked serious though as to what I wanted.
The band had under gone a dramatic evolution from the original incarnation’s humble beginnings. From inception, I took the responsibility of assuming the role of manager. During our infancy I pleaded with local bars to allow us to play for free, now the band was able support my college expenses. The previous summer I had secured us an engagement to be the opening act for the group Kansas and subsequently we had become in demand. Shows were being booked at an unprecedented rate and the balancing act between school and music became increasingly difficult. We played in cities two hours away, leaving at six p.m. and not returning till four a.m., several times a week. Our success was spurring me to make a decision and on the day the band came to speak to me; I had already made up my mind.
The day that the band informed me of their plans, I told them I had made a decision to complete my education and pursue law school. While it may have appeared to others that I was taking the “safe” route, it was music itself that motivated my choice. My introduction to the field came through learning how to copyright songs I had written. This initial interest ultimately spread to all areas of the legal realm, and the intellectual and ethical intrigue I found in law drove me to seek it out as a career. When the time came to commit to a vocation, I came to the realization that the elements I loved in music; analyzing content, comparing the use of different concepts in various situations, and the ability to creatively interpret compositions, were the same things that drew me to law. I decided on a legal career because it offers me the intellectual stimulation that I love in music combined with ability to make a direct and substantial positive impact on my community, which is something I would feel deprived of in a music career.
The following spring break, while my friends were vacationing, I went to interview for an internship at the State Attorney’s office. Two months later I found myself in a corner office hearing a stern voice warning me; “Remember this is for this man’s life!” It was my responsibility to complete a death penalty evaluation to determine whether the prosecution would seek capital punishment in the case of a double homicide. In front of me was a stack of papers containing all the legal precedents and at my feet sat a box, which contained all the relevant details I would have in order to decide whether a 23-year-old man would be tried for his life. Over the course of several days I reviewed the case, discussing all the relevant case law, and arguing my interpretation of the facts with my supervisor. I relished the opportunity to discuss issues with so many ethical facets. Moreover, I found it extremely rewarding to challenge myself intellectually while helping to serve the public. The experience gained in that office removed any doubt, that I had made the correct choice of careers.
The process of deciding between my two passions served as an affirmation of my commitment to the field of law. Through carefully examining my priorities, I came to the conclusion that a career in the legal field would fulfill my need for invigorating intellectual stimulation as music had done, while also providing me the opportunity to directly serve the community. If admitted, it is my intention to use the legal education offered at your institution to pursue a career in the field of public interest law through which I will be challenged by the intellectual and ethical rigors that lead me to decide on law as my chosen profession. I am going forward with no regrets, and if one day Tom Johnston comes calling, I may not be in the position to share the stage, but I will undoubtedly be able to offer sound legal advice.

Scott4LLM
Posts: 19
Joined: Mon Jul 05, 2010 2:51 pm

Re: revised rough draft...please help me out

Postby Scott4LLM » Mon Jul 05, 2010 6:57 pm

--Definitely better on why you gave up the 30,000 for law...although I'm still a little sad for you ;)
--the timeline with the band is still confusing...plus you were part of the band so really we're talking about the other band members, and weren't you part of and privy to discussions all along--it makes it sound like they had deliberated secretly or something. I would make it like the bittersweet was that your decision finally sunk in and became real to you that night, that it was a triumph and a farewell all at once.
--I would phrase it "The following spring break in Miami, while my friends were at the beach, I interviewed for an internship at the State Attorney’s office." after all, you were vacationing too. It still makes it sound a bit spontaneous, like you just dusted off the sand and wandered in to an office you saw on Ocean Drive, but I'm not sure how to fix that, and I'm not sure you need to.

dabbadon8
Posts: 767
Joined: Tue May 11, 2010 2:17 am

Re: revised rough draft...please help me out

Postby dabbadon8 » Mon Jul 05, 2010 7:08 pm

Scott4LLM wrote:--Definitely better on why you gave up the 30,000 for law...although I'm still a little sad for you ;)
--the timeline with the band is still confusing...plus you were part of the band so really we're talking about the other band members, and weren't you part of and privy to discussions all along--it makes it sound like they had deliberated secretly or something. I would make it like the bittersweet was that your decision finally sunk in and became real to you that night, that it was a triumph and a farewell all at once.
--I would phrase it "The following spring break in Miami, while my friends were at the beach, I interviewed for an internship at the State Attorney’s office." after all, you were vacationing too. It still makes it sound a bit spontaneous, like you just dusted off the sand and wandered in to an office you saw on Ocean Drive, but I'm not sure how to fix that, and I'm not sure you need to.



Thanks, as for the last phrase, I am from the miami area. I also want it to sound intentional like I made a sacrifice of my vacation to pursue my "passion" Maybe I will say something along the lines of "while my friends were vacationing in cancun, I stayed behind to interview..."

Also the move to nashville was kind of a secret, we had discussed it, but they knew I would want to stay and finish and they had graduated already. So they did break the news that they committed to it. I was trying to create a little tension with not telling my decision out right. I can see how it can be confusing. Maybe I can revise the wording to make it more clear.

Edit: again with some edits. Tried rewriting to make the time line clearer, but I felt it removed some of the tension I was going for. I could take some artistic license I suppose and make my decision come after the show, and make it seem I had made up my mind at the time of the show... I did change the wording slightly though which should make it a little more clear hopefully.

It is November 2008 and I am sitting in a trailer. My bass guitar is lying next to me. Four hundred feet from the trailer is a group of thirty thousand people who I am waiting to entertain. Tom Johnston, the lead singer of The Doobie Brothers, has just left the trailer after wishing us luck. The band I founded is moments away from playing our largest show. It is the pinnacle of an eight-year journey through the music industry but it is truly a bittersweet moment. Several weeks before that show, the other three members of the band informed me they intended to move to Nashville to pursue a record deal. I had already known, however, that the time had come to make a decision. Beginning in our formative days my band mates would continually razz me “If we ever get a record deal, you’re going to quit the band and go to law school, aren’t you?” I would pretend to laugh it off, but their jokes provoked serious though as to what I wanted.
The band had under gone a dramatic evolution from the original incarnation’s humble beginnings. From inception, I took the responsibility of assuming the role of manager. During our infancy I pleaded with local bars to allow us to play for free, now the band was able support my college expenses. The previous summer I had secured us an engagement to be the opening act for the group Kansas and subsequently we had become in demand. Shows were being booked at an unprecedented rate and the balancing act between school and music became increasingly difficult. We played in cities two hours away, leaving at six p.m. and not returning till four a.m., several times a week. Our success was spurring me to make a decision and by the time the band came to speak to me; I had already made up my mind.
The day that the band informed me of their plans, I told them I had made a decision to complete my education and pursue law school. While it may have appeared to others that I was taking the “safe” route, it was music itself that motivated my choice. My introduction to the field came through learning how to copyright songs I had written. This initial interest ultimately spread to all areas of the legal realm, and the intellectual and ethical intrigue I found in law drove me to seek it out as a career. When the time came to commit to a vocation, I came to the realization that the elements I loved in music; analyzing content, comparing the use of different concepts in various situations, and the ability to creatively interpret compositions, were the same things that drew me to law. I decided on a legal career because it offers me the intellectual stimulation that I love in music combined with ability to make a direct and substantial positive impact on my community, which is something I would feel deprived of in a music career.
The following spring break, while my friends were vacationing in Cancun, I stayed behind to interview for an internship at the State Attorney’s office. Two months later I found myself in a corner office hearing a stern voice warning me; “Remember this is for this man’s life!” It was my responsibility to complete a death penalty evaluation to determine whether the prosecution would seek capital punishment in the case of a double homicide. In front of me was a stack of papers containing all the legal precedents and at my feet sat a box, which contained all the relevant details I would have in order to decide whether a 23-year-old man would be tried for his life. Over the course of several days I reviewed the case, discussing all the relevant case law, and arguing my interpretation of the facts with my supervisor. I relished the opportunity to discuss issues with so many ethical facets. Moreover, I found it extremely rewarding to challenge myself intellectually while helping to serve the public. The experience gained in that office removed any doubt, that I had made the correct choice of careers.
The process of deciding between my two passions served as an affirmation of my commitment to the field of law. Through carefully examining my priorities, I came to the conclusion that a career in the legal field would fulfill my need for invigorating intellectual stimulation as music had done, while also providing me the opportunity to directly serve the community. If admitted, it is my intention to use the legal education offered at your institution to pursue a career in the field of public interest law through which I will be challenged by the intellectual and ethical rigors that lead me to decide on law as my chosen profession. I am going forward with no regrets, and if one day Tom Johnston comes calling, I may not be in the position to share the stage, but I will undoubtedly be able to offer sound legal advice.

Scott4LLM
Posts: 19
Joined: Mon Jul 05, 2010 2:51 pm

Re: revised rough draft...please help me out

Postby Scott4LLM » Tue Jul 06, 2010 1:40 pm

Makes sense about Miami now.
I guess what would be most dramatic is if at the concert you had already decided not to go, but had yet to tell them ;)
Maybe strike "I had already known, however, that"

dabbadon8
Posts: 767
Joined: Tue May 11, 2010 2:17 am

Re: revised rough draft...please help me out

Postby dabbadon8 » Tue Jul 06, 2010 4:36 pm

Scott4LLM wrote:Makes sense about Miami now.
I guess what would be most dramatic is if at the concert you had already decided not to go, but had yet to tell them ;)
Maybe strike "I had already known, however, that"


Thanks for all your help! I'll post a final version once I get everything cleaned up all the way.

rockstar4488
Posts: 198
Joined: Sat Dec 05, 2009 9:39 pm

Re: revised rough draft...please help me out

Postby rockstar4488 » Tue Jul 06, 2010 11:39 pm

I enjoyed reading this.

User avatar
buckythebadger
Posts: 292
Joined: Sat Jul 03, 2010 12:08 am

Re: revised rough draft...please help me out

Postby buckythebadger » Wed Jul 07, 2010 1:54 am

dabbadon8 wrote: It is mid-November 2008 and I am sitting in a trailer.


IMHO an awful start to a PS. The wording sounds awkward and fails to grab the readers attention.


dabbadon8 wrote: It is the pinnacle of an eight-year journey through the music industry but it is truly a bittersweet moment.


Combine this without using a conjunction. And if your going to use the cliche bittersweet moment, explain why.



dabbadon8 wrote: The band had under gone a dramatic evolution from the original incarnation’s humble beginnings. From inception, I took the responsibility of assuming the role of manager. During our infancy I pleaded with local bars to allow us to play for free, now I was able support my college expenses.


What is up with all the metaphors relating to birth? To me, it just seems a little over the top. I understand what you were trying, but please change this.


dabbadon8 wrote: Shows were being booked at an unprecedented rate and the balancing act between school and music became increasingly difficult.


This needs to be reworded. I'm guessing that your not the transexual justin beiber or lady gaga. So your shows were probably not being booked at "unprecedented" rates.

dabbadon8 wrote:Success was spurring me to make a decision, and before the band came to speak to me, I had already made up my mind.


How was success forcing you to make a decision?


You have a decent outline for a story but there are way to many grammatical errors that need to be fixed. I just outlined some of the structural issues i saw with your PS. I only made this far in reading your draft. You need to put in better effort if you want people to to revise your PS seriously.

dabbadon8
Posts: 767
Joined: Tue May 11, 2010 2:17 am

Re: revised rough draft...please help me out

Postby dabbadon8 » Wed Jul 07, 2010 1:38 pm

buckythebadger wrote:
dabbadon8 wrote: It is mid-November 2008 and I am sitting in a trailer.


IMHO an awful start to a PS. The wording sounds awkward and fails to grab the readers attention.


dabbadon8 wrote: It is the pinnacle of an eight-year journey through the music industry but it is truly a bittersweet moment.


Combine this without using a conjunction. And if your going to use the cliche bittersweet moment, explain why.



dabbadon8 wrote: The band had under gone a dramatic evolution from the original incarnation’s humble beginnings. From inception, I took the responsibility of assuming the role of manager. During our infancy I pleaded with local bars to allow us to play for free, now I was able support my college expenses.


What is up with all the metaphors relating to birth? To me, it just seems a little over the top. I understand what you were trying, but please change this.


dabbadon8 wrote: Shows were being booked at an unprecedented rate and the balancing act between school and music became increasingly difficult.


This needs to be reworded. I'm guessing that your not the transexual justin beiber or lady gaga. So your shows were probably not being booked at "unprecedented" rates.

dabbadon8 wrote:Success was spurring me to make a decision, and before the band came to speak to me, I had already made up my mind.


How was success forcing you to make a decision?


You have a decent outline for a story but there are way to many grammatical errors that need to be fixed. I just outlined some of the structural issues i saw with your PS. I only made this far in reading your draft. You need to put in better effort if you want people to to revise your PS seriously.


Thank you for taking the time to look through my statement. Yes it is a rough draft, but that doesn’t mean I have put no effort. As I am sure you can tell I am no English major. I appreciate feedback like yours at the early stages because it keeps me from building (hopefully) on unstable elements.
I revised my PS with some of your comments in mind and would really appreciate you giving it another read through. Let me know what you think of the changes. I had trouble rewording that sentence without using a conjunction, any suggestions? Also, I will go over it with a fine tooth comb for punctuation but I obviously haven’t yet. Thanks again.


I am sitting inside of a backstage trailer on a cool autumn night. The anxious rumblings of thirty thousand people permeate the thin walls, echoing the nervous anticipation within. Tom Johnston, lead singer of The Doobie Brothers, has just finished wishing us luck when the stage manager announces that we have “five minutes!” The band I founded is moments away from playing our largest show, yet it is truly a bittersweet moment. Several weeks before that show, the other three members of the band informed me they intended to move to Nashville to pursue a record deal. I had already known, however, that the time had come to make a decision. Beginning in our formative days my band mates would continually razz me “If we ever get a record deal, you’re going to quit the band and go to law school, aren’t you?” I would pretend to laugh it off, but their jokes provoked serious though as to what I wanted.
The band had under gone a dramatic evolution from the original incarnation’s humble beginnings. From the outset, I had taken responsibility for the role of manager. Our first performances were the result of me pleading with local bars to allow us to play for free. The band was now able support my college expenses. The previous summer, I secured us an engagement to be the opening act for the group Kansas and subsequently we had become in demand. Several times a week we played in venues two hours away, leaving at six p.m. and not returning till four in the morning. Shows were continuously being booked, making the balancing act between school and music increasingly difficult. Our success was spurring me to make a choice between my academic or music career. After examining my priorities, I had made up my mind.
The day that the band informed me of their plans, I told them I had made a decision to complete my education and pursue law school. While it may have appeared to others that I was taking the “safe” route, it was music itself that motivated my choice. My introduction to the field came through learning how to copyright songs I had written. This initial interest ultimately spread to all areas of the legal realm, and the intellectual and ethical intrigue I found in law drove me to seek it out as a career. When the time came to commit to a vocation, I came to the realization that the elements I loved in music; analyzing content, comparing the use of different concepts in various situations, and the ability to creatively interpret compositions, were the same things that drew me to law. I decided on a legal career because it offers me the intellectual stimulation that I love in music combined with ability to make a direct and substantial positive impact on my community, which is something I would feel deprived of in a music career.
The following spring break, while my friends were vacationing, I stayed behind to interview for an internship at the State Attorney’s office. Two months later I found myself in a corner office hearing a stern voice warning me; “Remember this is for this man’s life!” It was my responsibility to complete a death penalty evaluation to determine whether the prosecution would seek capital punishment in the case of a double homicide. In front of me was a stack of papers containing all the legal precedents and at my feet sat a box, which contained all the pertinent details I would have in order to decide whether a 23-year-old man would be tried for his life. Over the course of several days I reviewed the case, discussing all the relevant case law, and arguing my interpretation of the facts with my supervisor. I relished the opportunity to discuss issues with so many ethical facets. Moreover, I found it extremely rewarding to challenge myself intellectually while helping to serve the public. The experience gained in that office removed any doubt, that I had made the correct choice of careers.
The process of deciding between my two passions served as an affirmation of my commitment to the field of law. Through carefully examining my priorities, I came to the conclusion that a career in the legal field would fulfill my need for invigorating intellectual stimulation as music had done, while also providing me the opportunity to directly serve the community. It is my intention to use the legal education offered at your institution to pursue a career in the field of public interest law through which I will be challenged by the intellectual and ethical rigors that lead me to decide on law as my chosen profession. I am going forward with no regrets, and if one day Tom Johnston comes calling, I may not be in the position to share the stage, but I will undoubtedly be able to offer sound legal advice.
Last edited by dabbadon8 on Wed Jul 07, 2010 8:51 pm, edited 7 times in total.

Scott4LLM
Posts: 19
Joined: Mon Jul 05, 2010 2:51 pm

Re: revised rough draft...please help me out

Postby Scott4LLM » Wed Jul 07, 2010 2:10 pm

The positive thing about the trailer is that one doesn't expect aspiring law students in trailers, so, to me, I think, hmm, I want to find out more.
The date doesn't add interest, but it does help the timeline On the contrary, "On a cool autumn night in Saint Petersburg Florida" neither of these things is of any importance.
It's true some of these ideas like bittersweet and forced to make a decision could be a bit elaborated to save them from the cliche.
In everyday parlance, the "birth words" have strayed so far from their literal meanings that I think it's fine to use.
"warning me; “Remember this is for this man’s life!”" I would just say "warning me to remember that a man's life was at stake" no need to quote

dabbadon8
Posts: 767
Joined: Tue May 11, 2010 2:17 am

Re: revised rough draft...please help me out

Postby dabbadon8 » Wed Jul 07, 2010 2:30 pm

Scott4LLM wrote:The positive thing about the trailer is that one doesn't expect aspiring law students in trailers, so, to me, I think, hmm, I want to find out more.
The date doesn't add interest, but it does help the timeline On the contrary, "On a cool autumn night in Saint Petersburg Florida" neither of these things is of any importance.
It's true some of these ideas like bittersweet and forced to make a decision could be a bit elaborated to save them from the cliche.
In everyday parlance, the "birth words" have strayed so far from their literal meanings that I think it's fine to use.
"warning me; “Remember this is for this man’s life!”" I would just say "warning me to remember that a man's life was at stake" no need to quote


Thanks again for your help. You got what I was going for with the trailer. I am trying to make the time line appear more chronological to reduce confusion that is partly responsible for removing the month, keeping it to seasons I think could help (fall, then spring break, two months later to summer). I thought the bittersweet cliche is explained through the PS but if there is confusion I will try to make it more clear. I changed two of the birth words not as much for the sake of them being birth words but I did think I ran the risk of sounding overly wordy. I was not sure they flowed well. I thought the quote broke up the PS some, do you think it is a negative?

User avatar
buckythebadger
Posts: 292
Joined: Sat Jul 03, 2010 12:08 am

Re: revised rough draft...please help me out

Postby buckythebadger » Thu Jul 08, 2010 1:18 am

I didnt mean to sound like a douche, but I think you misunderstood my point. No one on this site wants to be your 10th grade English teacher and fix all your grammatical errors for you. Would you take a rough copy like this to a professor of your's to revise? I would surely hope not. Go through your entire draft, fix it up to the standards you would have for handing in a paper for grading. Then look for the advice from other posters to help make your PS excellent quality. You have a solid storyline, so just put some time into it and you will be fine.

User avatar
A Swift
Posts: 185
Joined: Wed Apr 22, 2009 10:36 am

Re: revised rough draft...please help me out

Postby A Swift » Sat Jul 10, 2010 11:43 pm

dabbadon8 wrote:
I am sitting inside of a backstage trailer on a cool autumn night. The anxious rumblings of thirty thousand people permeate the thin walls, echoing the nervous anticipation within. Tom Johnston, lead singer of The Doobie Brothers, has just finished wishing us luck when the stage manager announces that we have “five minutes!” The band I founded is moments away from playing our largest show, yet it is truly a bittersweet moment. Several weeks before that show, the other three members of the band informed me they intended to move to Nashville to pursue a record deal. I had already known, however, that the time had come to make a decision. Beginning in our formative days my band mates would continually razz me “If we ever get a record deal, you’re going to quit the band and go to law school, aren’t you?” I would pretend to laugh it off, but their jokes provoked serious though as to what I wanted.
The band had under gone a dramatic evolution from the original incarnation’s humble beginnings. From the outset, I had taken responsibility for the role of manager. Our first performances were the result of me pleading with local bars to allow us to play for free. The band was now able support my college expenses. The previous summer, I secured us an engagement to be the opening act for the group Kansas and subsequently we had become in demand. Several times a week we played in venues two hours away, leaving at six p.m. and not returning till four in the morning. Shows were continuously being booked, making the balancing act between school and music increasingly difficult. Our success was spurring me to make a choice between my academic or music career. After examining my priorities, I had made up my mind.
The day that the band informed me of their plans, I told them I had made a decision to complete my education and pursue law school. While it may have appeared to others that I was taking the “safe” route, it was music itself that motivated my choice. My introduction to the field came through learning how to copyright songs I had written. This initial interest ultimately spread to all areas of the legal realm, and the intellectual and ethical intrigue I found in law drove me to seek it out as a career. When the time came to commit to a vocation, I came to the realization that the elements I loved in music; analyzing content, comparing the use of different concepts in various situations, and the ability to creatively interpret compositions, were the same things that drew me to law. I decided on a legal career because it offers me the intellectual stimulation that I love in music combined with ability to make a direct and substantial positive impact on my community, which is something I would feel deprived of in a music career.
The following spring break, while my friends were vacationing, I stayed behind to interview for an internship at the State Attorney’s office. Two months later I found myself in a corner office hearing a stern voice warning me; “Remember this is for this man’s life!” It was my responsibility to complete a death penalty evaluation to determine whether the prosecution would seek capital punishment in the case of a double homicide. In front of me was a stack of papers containing all the legal precedents and at my feet sat a box, which contained all the pertinent details I would have in order to decide whether a 23-year-old man would be tried for his life. Over the course of several days I reviewed the case, discussing all the relevant case law, and arguing my interpretation of the facts with my supervisor. I relished the opportunity to discuss issues with so many ethical facets. Moreover, I found it extremely rewarding to challenge myself intellectually while helping to serve the public. The experience gained in that office removed any doubt, that I had made the correct choice of careers.
The process of deciding between my two passions served as an affirmation of my commitment to the field of law. Through carefully examining my priorities, I came to the conclusion that a career in the legal field would fulfill my need for invigorating intellectual stimulation as music had done, while also providing me the opportunity to directly serve the community. It is my intention to use the legal education offered at your institution to pursue a career in the field of public interest law through which I will be challenged by the intellectual and ethical rigors that lead me to decide on law as my chosen profession. I am going forward with no regrets, and if one day Tom Johnston comes calling, I may not be in the position to share the stage, but I will undoubtedly be able to offer sound legal advice.


I changed the color of some phrases that are passive. I gave up halfway through, but I think you can use it as a guide. Try to write in the active voice.

Example: I had taken responsibility for the role of manager.
Try: I acted as our band's manager.

Also, it is generally recommended that you do not switch between past and present tense. You go from a performance in the past, that we are hearing about in the present tense, to three weeks before that, to many different periods. Reveal more quickly and easily that we are watching your last show. Lead with it, then explain.

"Two years ago, on a cool autumn night, the stage manager gave us our cue. "Good luck," Tom Johnston, the lead singer of The Doobie Brothers, offered as we walked towards the stage. In a few short minutes our band would play our largest show- a bittersweet moment because it would be my last performance with the band."

dabbadon8
Posts: 767
Joined: Tue May 11, 2010 2:17 am

Re: revised rough draft...please help me out

Postby dabbadon8 » Mon Jul 12, 2010 5:24 pm

Newest Draft

I am sitting inside of a backstage trailer on a cool autumn night. The anxious rumblings of thirty thousand people permeate the thin walls, echoing the nervous anticipation within. Tom Johnston, lead singer of The Doobie Brothers, has just finished wishing us luck when the stage manager announces that we have “five minutes!” The band I founded is moments away from playing our largest show, yet the night’s events are bittersweet. Several weeks ago, the other three members of the band informed me they intended to move to Nashville to pursue a record deal. I had already known, however, that the time had come to make a decision. Beginning in our formative days my band mates would continually razz me “If we ever get a record deal, you’re going to quit the band and go to law school, aren’t you?” I would pretend to laugh it off, but their jokes provoked serious thought as to what I wanted.
The band had under gone a dramatic evolution from the original incarnation’s humble beginnings. From the outset, I acted as band manager. Our first performances were the result of me pleading with local bars to allow us to play for free, and now the band supported my college expenses. Last summer, I secured us a gig as the opening act for the group Kansas and suddenly people were begging to book us for their venues. Several times a week we played in cities two hours away, leaving at six p.m. and not returning till four in the morning. The balancing act between school and music became increasingly difficult. Our success spurred me to make a choice between my academic or music career. After examining my priorities, I made up my mind.
The day that the band informed me of their plans, I told them I made a decision to pursue law school. While it may have appeared to them that I was “selling out” for a more traditional career path, music actually led me to my choice. My introduction to law came through learning how to copyright songs I had written. In my research, I stumbled upon cases like John Fogerty v. Creedence Clearwater Revival, in which Fogerty, who left Creedence for a solo career, was accused of infringing on Run Through the Jungle. A song that he wrote! I became intrigued by music’s dependency on law to protect artist’s rights. This initial interest in protecting the rights of artists ultimately spread to civil, animal and victim’s rights. What started as a simple search for copyright information, turned into a passion that sat side by side with music. After spending a great deal of time ruminating on which career to pursue, I realized that the elements I loved in music; analyzing content, comparing the use of different concepts in various situations, and the ability to creatively interpret compositions, were the same things that drew me to law. I decided on a legal career because it offers me the intellectual stimulation that I love in music combined with ability to make a direct and substantial positive impact on my community.
The spring break following the Doobie Brother’s show, while my friends vacationed, I stayed behind to interview for an internship with the State Attorney’s office. Two months later I found myself in a corner office hearing a stern voice warning me; “Remember this is for this man’s life!” It was my responsibility to complete a death penalty evaluation to determine whether the prosecution would seek capital punishment in a double homicide case. In front of me was a stack of papers containing all the legal precedents and at my feet sat a box, which contained all the pertinent details I would have in order to decide whether a 23-year-old man would be tried for his life. Over the course of several days I reviewed the case, discussing all the relevant case law, and arguing my interpretation of the facts with my supervisor. I relished weighing in on decisions that both required ethical and intellectual chops, and I knew that I had made the correct choice of careers after witnessing the tangible impact of our decisions in emotional next of kin meetings.
The process of deciding between my two passions served as an affirmation of my commitment to the field of law. Through carefully examining my priorities, I came to the conclusion that a career in the legal field will fulfill my need for invigorating intellectual stimulation as music has done, while also providing me the opportunity to directly serve the community. It is my intention to use the legal education offered at ___________________to pursue a career in the field of public interest law. I am going forward with no regrets, and if one day Tom Johnston comes calling, I may not be in the position to share the stage, but I will undoubtedly be able to offer sound legal advice.
Last edited by dabbadon8 on Sun Jul 18, 2010 9:55 pm, edited 2 times in total.

dabbadon8
Posts: 767
Joined: Tue May 11, 2010 2:17 am

Re: revised rough draft...please help me out

Postby dabbadon8 » Thu Jul 15, 2010 6:03 pm

I sent my draft off to 15(60) dollar review, the last draft I posted was after the second round of edits from them if anyone is curious, not done editing though so let me know what you think before I submit my next draft. Thanks




Return to “Law School Personal Statements”

Who is online

The online users are hidden on this forum.