Idea for statement....rough rough draft

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dabbadon8
Posts: 767
Joined: Tue May 11, 2010 2:17 am

Idea for statement....rough rough draft

Postby dabbadon8 » Thu Jul 01, 2010 7:52 pm

I know this is very very far from complete but I was wondering if this is going somewhere in a positive direction. Basically I want to explain how I had to decided between law and a music career and how having to have made that choice strongly affirmed my passion for law, while including elements of overcoming adversity real life success etc... Some concerns I have with this topic include how to get academics into it (though with my 3.48 that isn't my strongest suit.) Basically any feed back as to whether I should continue working with what I have or scratch it and start over would be appreciated. (talking about miami SAO internship in there)

It is mid-November 2008 and I am sitting in a trailer. My bass guitar is sitting next to me. I have never been more content. Four hundred feet from the trailer is group of thirty thousand people who I am waiting to entertain. Tom Johnston, the lead singer of The Doobie Brothers, has just left the trailer after wishing us luck. The band I founded is moments away from playing our largest show. It is the pinnacle of an eight-year journey through the music industry. I have never been more content and I can’t help letting out laugh. I laugh because I am in disbelief that the feeling of satisfaction I am experiencing has nothing to do with taking my biggest step towards what I always thought had been one of my greatest aspirations. Six months later I am in an office hearing a stern voice warning me; “Remember this is for this man’s life!” In front of me is a stack of all the precedents to consider when deciding whether or not to recommend the death penalty. At my feet sits a box, which contains all the relevant details I will have in order to determine whether a 23-year-old man will be tried for his life. I am sitting in an office realizing I made the right choice.
When I was two year old my parents divorced. Alone in the Newton, Massachusetts my mother was forced to leave her dream house which she had built her-self and her dream job at Wellesley college. As a single mother in her thirties struggling to pay rent, she was forced to take a job teaching in the public school system in order to make ends meat. Far from the intellectual community she cherished it was hard for her to adjust to her banality of elementary school. She wanted me to learn from her mistakes and made a habit of telling me; “Whatever you do in life, make sure you feel passionately about it” I was brought up under that maxim and accordingly pursued what I am passionate about. For the majority of my young adulthood I straddled a line; on either side, two nearly incompatible passions, neither of which I was ready to abandon.
Months before that show, the time had come to make a decision. My band mates used to raze me “If we ever get a record deal, your going to quit the band and stay in school.” I used to laugh it off but at that time I didn’t know what I wanted. From humble beginnings, practicing in a friend’s living room, I had guided the band to success. When we started we were begging local bars to allow us to play for free, now I was supporting my college expenses. The previous summer we had opened for the group Kansas and things had taken off. Shows were being booked left and right. The goal had always been to make it big, but like any long shot it’s difficult to let your-self think about what would happen if a legitimate chance presented itself.
Law school was always there side by side with music. In high school I researched and went through the process of learning how to copyright music. This interest quickly spread to criminal law..... To be continued

adevotchka
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Joined: Tue May 25, 2010 4:50 pm

Re: Idea for statement....rough rough draft

Postby adevotchka » Thu Jul 01, 2010 8:17 pm

I tried to read this but couldn't get past the errors. I'm honestly just dumbfounded that you managed to graduate thinking that "yourself" and "herself" have hyphens in them.
I don't even know what to say about this:
dabbadon8 wrote:As a single mother in her thirties struggling to pay rent, she was forced to take a job teaching in the public school system in order to make ends meat. Far from the intellectual community she cherished it was hard for her to adjust to her banality of elementary school.



Can you send me a link to your music? I'm genuinely curious at this point.

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chicoalto0649
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Joined: Sat Dec 06, 2008 11:34 pm

Re: Idea for statement....rough rough draft

Postby chicoalto0649 » Thu Jul 01, 2010 8:18 pm

adevotchka wrote:I tried to read this but couldn't get past the errors. I'm honestly just dumbfounded that you managed to graduate thinking that "yourself" and "herself" have hyphens in them.
I don't even know what to say about this:
dabbadon8 wrote:As a single mother in her thirties struggling to pay rent, she was forced to take a job teaching in the public school system in order to make ends meat. Far from the intellectual community she cherished it was hard for her to adjust to her banality of elementary school.



Can you send me a link to your music? I'm genuinely curious at this point.


Ends meat? nom nom nom

Image

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djjf39
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Re: Idea for statement....rough rough draft

Postby djjf39 » Thu Jul 01, 2010 8:26 pm

Look, I would keep this PS draft and have it as an example of what not to write. You need to pick a topic, stick with it, stay humble, and not write sentence like these:

dabbadon8 wrote:I have never been more content and I can’t help letting out laugh. I laugh because I am in disbelief that the feeling of satisfaction I am experiencing has nothing to do with taking my biggest step towards what I always thought had been one of my greatest aspirations


Or
dabbadon8 wrote:The goal had always been to make it big, but like any long shot it’s difficult to let your-self think about what would happen if a legitimate chance presented itself.


If you want me to break down exactly what is wrong with either of the above, then PM me.

Stick with it, eventually something will come to mind.

au bon pain
Posts: 19
Joined: Thu Apr 08, 2010 12:02 pm

Re: Idea for statement....rough rough draft

Postby au bon pain » Thu Jul 01, 2010 8:32 pm

your writing really, really needs some work. but i will say that the story was intriguing - at least in the beginning. that entire paragraph about your mom should be hacked because it is simply not relevant. and you're trying to squeeze too much information in one essay. i also got confused about your position at the sao: mainly how you attempted to persuade us that someone's fate rested in your hands. this is just a first read critic. g/l

TheOcho
Posts: 394
Joined: Wed Jun 09, 2010 9:46 pm

Re: Idea for statement....rough rough draft

Postby TheOcho » Thu Jul 01, 2010 8:39 pm

You need to organize your thoughts. Although I get the general idea, it's far to unorganized and unprofessional. As one poster above me noted, pick a topic and stick with it.

I am also generally interested in hearing your music.

dabbadon8
Posts: 767
Joined: Tue May 11, 2010 2:17 am

Re: Idea for statement....rough rough draft

Postby dabbadon8 » Thu Jul 01, 2010 9:07 pm

Got it. Knew it was very rough, just trying to see if the story was worth pursuing or not. I obviously didn't do any editing before posting... more looking for feed back on the main concept.

dabbadon8
Posts: 767
Joined: Tue May 11, 2010 2:17 am

Re: Idea for statement....rough rough draft

Postby dabbadon8 » Thu Jul 01, 2010 10:22 pm

Sorry to make you read this POS again but if you would, please tell me if this is any better at all. I realize that it may still be shit, but I am hoping that this topic may be salvageable because idk what else I might use I am not a unique snowflake. It is still not complete, or edited, I really just want to see if the topic and line of though are usable

It is mid-November 2008 and I am sitting in a trailer. My bass guitar is lying next to me. Four hundred feet from the trailer is a group of thirty thousand people who I am waiting to entertain. Tom Johnston, the lead singer of The Doobie Brothers, has just left the trailer after wishing us luck. The band I founded is moments away from playing our largest show. It is the pinnacle of an eight-year journey through the music industry but it is truly a bittersweet moment. Several weeks before that show, the other three members of the band informed me they intended to move to Nashville to pursue a record deal. I was already aware, however, that the time had come to make a decision. My band mates would continually raze me “If we ever get a record deal, you’re going to quit the band and stay in school, aren’t you?” I would laugh it off, but at the time I didn’t know what I wanted.
The band had under gone a dramatic evolution from the original incarnation’s humble beginnings. From inception, I took the responsibility of assuming the role of manager. During our infancy I pleaded with local bars to allow us to play for free, now I was able support my college expenses. The previous summer I had secured the band an engagement to be the opening act for the group Kansas and subsequently we had become in demand. Shows were being booked at an unprecedented rate and the balancing act between school and music became increasingly difficult. We played in cities two hours away, leaving at six p.m. and not returning till four a.m., several times a week. Success was spurring me to make a decision, and before the band came to speak to me, I had already made up my mind.
The following spring break, while my friends were vacationing, I went to interview for an internship at the Miami State Attorney’s office. Two months later I found myself in a corner office hearing a stern voice warning me; “Remember this is for this man’s life!” It was my responsibility to complete a death penalty evaluation to determine whether the prosecution would seek capital punishment in the case of a double homicide. In front of me was a stack of papers containing all the legal precedents and at my feet sat a box, which contained all the relevant details I would have in order to decide whether a 23-year-old man would be tried for his life. Over the course of several days I reviewed the case, discussing all the relevant case law, and arguing my interpretation of the facts with my supervisor. I relished the opportunity to discuss issues with so many ethical and intellectual facets. The experience gained in that office removed any doubt, that I had made the correct choice.
While it may have appeared to others that I was taking the “safe” route, it was music itself that motivated my choice. When the time came to commit to a vocation, I came to the realization that the elements I loved in music; analyzing content, comparing the use of different concepts in various situations, and the ability to creatively interpret compositions, were the same things that drew me to the legal field. The process of deciding between my two passions had served as an affirmation of my commitment to law. Through carefully examining my priorities I came to the conclusion that, a career in law would provide the exhilarating intellectual stimulation that drew me to music, while also providing me the opportunity to explore a variety complex legal and ethical issues.



....to be continued

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hypothalamus
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Re: Idea for statement....rough rough draft

Postby hypothalamus » Sun Jul 04, 2010 11:52 am

Just a matter of personal taste... but I think the present tense in the first paragraph is too dramatic. Simple/continuous past might be better.




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