Please critique my personal statement.

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
IAMGenius
Posts: 55
Joined: Wed Jun 02, 2010 2:27 pm

Please critique my personal statement.

Postby IAMGenius » Mon Jun 28, 2010 4:20 pm

I really just wrote this from the top of my head and haven't edited yet. I just want to get a few opinions because for the longest I couldn't think of anything to write. This was the firs time i could get beyond the first paragraph.

“We are proud to inform you that Black Leaders of Tomorrow (BLT) has been granted permanent charter status as a recognized Auburn University organization.” For me, this was the first moment of success as a college student. Once just an idea shared amongst friends, the creation of a student organization aimed at mentoring minority high school students had been established. It was through this organization that I was able to accomplish many goals that couldn’t be done by sitting through hour long lectures or writing ten page papers. Through this organization I could give back to the community that helped me make it to where I am. Unfortunately that is also a community where my peers are statistically more likely to be in jail or dead than in college. That is the black community.
The idea behind this community service oriented organization came about during my freshman year here at Auburn University. I was in search of an organization that was heavily involved with the community, but I didn’t want to join one whose members just punched the clock to fulfill a community service requirement for another organization. I wanted to join one where the work done reflected who I was as a person. One day I was asked to give a presentation to a group of minority high school students who were visiting Auburn for the day. I was asked to present my viewpoint on college and how what I have learned has benefited me. Seeing as how I was only a freshman, I didn’t really understand how my input would help, however, I agreed.
During the presentation I presented my viewpoint to a room of blank stares and sleepy groans. Feeling as though everyone was bored with my ‘life in college so far’ story, I asked the students a couple of questions. The responses to these questions would lead to a turning point in my college life. The first question was, “How many of you want to go to college?” Most of the students raised their hand. I continued, “How many of you understand the process of getting to college?” To this question I can vividly remember four students raising their hand. I thought to myself, “How can you not understand the process for getting to college?” My thoughts were soon rationalized as one student commented that, “Nobody has really ever talked to me about it. I know I want to go but besides taking the ACT I don’t know much more”. This was a story not to unfamiliar to my own. Going through high school I too did not know much about the process. High school counselors are good but trying to mentor an entire class of seniors can be a hard task for anyone to accomplish. So instead I sought out to learn and complete the process on my own relying very little on outside help. I understood that for many even that can be an obstacle.
This is how I was led to the idea of Black Leaders of Tomorrow. I founded BLT during the fall of my sophomore year with the help of my close friends. We all held the same ideals for the organization, and that is to give help and inspiration to those in need. The scope of the organization is to visit high schools within the state of Alabama and talk with students in various grade levels about life after graduation. We discuss various topics including the importance of education, the college application process, and most importantly the alternatives to college. Many counselors have applauded our efforts and commented that our work is great supplement to their jobs and gives kips a firsthand account that they, as counselors, cannot offer.
I am very proud of the success my organization has had on Auburn University’s campus. However, my joy doesn’t come because of my affiliation as the organizations founder, but it comes from the principles that have been instilled in me through my work with the organization. The organization has not only helped to change me as a person, but it has also changed my career choices. Originally a Building Science major aimed at becoming a successful project manager, I have put those aspirations aside in hopes to attend law school. It is my belief that with a Juris Doctorate I will be able to help my community either through the public or private sector of law. I have learned that giving back doesn’t take money and it doesn’t take a lot of time. All it takes is effort and a will to make things better for those who come after you. Through BLT I have been able to do my part in reducing the attitude held by most minority students from underprivileged backgrounds. It should be known that where you come from is not all that defines who you are, but also where you are going and the effort you are willing to put forth to get there. I know that my organization is only one star in a sky a billions, but I hope that it can be a beacon of light that leads others to serve and give back as it has for me.

Thak You.

cubswin
Posts: 618
Joined: Mon May 25, 2009 4:40 pm

Re: Please critique my personal statement.

Postby cubswin » Mon Jun 28, 2010 4:29 pm

IAMGenius wrote:IWe all held the same ideals for the organization, and that is to give help and inspiration to those in need.


Why not just "help" and "inspire"?

Get rid of all the contractions.

IAMGenius wrote:Once just an idea shared amongst friends, the creation of a student organization aimed at mentoring minority high school students had been established.


The creation was established. Awkward, man. I am not going to re-word this sentence myself, but I suggest you think of another way to this.

IAMGenius wrote:“We are proud to inform you that Black Leaders of Tomorrow (BLT) has been granted permanent charter status as a recognized Auburn University organization.” For me, this was the first moment of success as a college student.

...I founded BLT during the fall of my sophomore year with the help of my close friends.


You essentially just implied your entire Freshman year was without a single moment of success.

IAMGenius
Posts: 55
Joined: Wed Jun 02, 2010 2:27 pm

Re: Please critique my personal statement.

Postby IAMGenius » Mon Jun 28, 2010 4:36 pm

cubswin wrote:
IAMGenius wrote:“We are proud to inform you that Black Leaders of Tomorrow (BLT) has been granted permanent charter status as a recognized Auburn University organization.” For me, this was the first moment of success as a college student.

...I founded BLT during the fall of my sophomore year with the help of my close friends.


You essentially just implied your entire Freshman year was without a single moment of success.


Thank you for your advice. I can see your point about the above. I was trying to imply that outside of classroom work this was the first real success I had as a college student. I will find a way to smooth it out, as well as everything else you mentioned. Thanks again.

cubswin
Posts: 618
Joined: Mon May 25, 2009 4:40 pm

Re: Please critique my personal statement.

Postby cubswin » Mon Jun 28, 2010 6:56 pm

No problem. It's a great topic for a personal statement, by the way. Just the kind of world-saver, diversity type shit that ad-comms seem to like. Definitely have several people look at it though. I only did a cursory read-through. You still need some more extensive critiques.

User avatar
hobbsey
Posts: 28
Joined: Wed Jan 06, 2010 12:28 pm

Re: Please critique my personal statement.

Postby hobbsey » Tue Jun 29, 2010 12:10 pm

I really like your topic, it has leadership, diversity, and the “why do you want to go to law school” answer. I really think the last two paragraphs are the strongest and the most interesting, and that the first three paragraphs could be cut down significantly. You explain the moment the program was established, vaguely describe what it does (“community service oriented” “mentoring minority high school students”) and the circumstances that led up to the establishment, and finally get to what the organization actually does, which is the best part. I would emphasize your leadership role a little more by including details that really show the scope of the BLT: how many people were in the organization, approximately how many students did you mentor total, and so on. I would write down the most important ideas that you want the reader to come away with after reading your statement, and then critically review the role each sentence plays in conveying those ideas before you get to work on grammar.




Return to “Law School Personal Statements”

Who is online

The online users are hidden on this forum.