Rough DS mini-draft Forum

[applepiecrust]

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[JustDude]

This is a rough mini-draft for a (possible) diversity statement. I'm not sure where to take it from here, and any criticism/comments, harsh or not, would be appreciated.

One of my first experiences in the US outside of the campus bubble of _________ was a service trip during freshman orientation week to a high school in an urban neighborhood of _______. To my fresh-off-the-proverbial-boat eyes, it was very difficult to accept that this school was supposed to be an underserved school in an impoverished area, as it had considerably better facilities than my high school in [home country]. This new understanding of poverty in a different setting was completely alien to me.
Growing up in a developing country meant I’d seen acute poverty and difficult living conditions around me my entire life, yet as is often the case with those of the relatively privileged in these countries, I’d been taught to close my eyes to it at a rather young age. The attitude held by my family – that there is nothing concrete individual citizens can do to alleviate the conditions of our compatriots – had transferred on to me as well. It took looking at poverty in a foreign context for me to realize just how great the disparities of wealth between different countries, and within people in the same country, are. What was considered poverty in the US would be seen as being relatively well-off back in [home country]. This was one of the first moments in my realization of the enormous development challenges ahead in _______, despite its rapid economic growth and rising power on the global political scene.

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The directions I could it in from here are:
1. My involvement with development-related issues in home country since then: teaching/counseling homeless/working children in [home country] and the very definite change I saw in their levels of self-confidence in just over two months; working with consultancy projects for development-related NGOs/international NGOs in [home country]
2. On how my perspective broadened to allow for different degrees of poverty/development challenges/social issues, and how I learned to see them in context. I just feel I don't have very much to back this up with, though it is true.
3. Talking more about how my own perspective of my home country and its politics changed upon learning to see it from a new set of eyes (those of Westerners).

LOL is that the actual thing you gonna send???? LOL!! Well, not to be a giant douche, so I will stop here.

[applepiecrust]

LOL is that the actual thing you gonna send???? LOL!! Well, not to be a giant douche, so I will stop here.

Did I say that's the actual thing I'm "gonna send?" Certainly not.
THAT is a "I spent 15 minutes to make a very rough outline/draft just to get a general idea" sort of draft. Where'd you get the idea that that is what I'm going to SEND?
(Though, of course, the you not being a giant douche thing is impossible to achieve, but good for you that you tried.)

[JustDude]

LOL is that the actual thing you gonna send???? LOL!! Well, not to be a giant douche, so I will stop here.

Did I say that's the actual thing I'm "gonna send?" Certainly not.
THAT is a "I spent 15 minutes to make a very rough outline/draft just to get a general idea" sort of draft. Where'd you get the idea that that is what I'm going to SEND?
(Though, of course, the you not being a giant douche thing is impossible to achieve, but good for you that you tried.)

LOL. Good that I didnt put 15 mins for actual reply since you didnt put any effort. Hopefully no one else will.

[applepiecrust]

LOL is that the actual thing you gonna send???? LOL!! Well, not to be a giant douche, so I will stop here.

Did I say that's the actual thing I'm "gonna send?" Certainly not.
THAT is a "I spent 15 minutes to make a very rough outline/draft just to get a general idea" sort of draft. Where'd you get the idea that that is what I'm going to SEND?
(Though, of course, the you not being a giant douche thing is impossible to achieve, but good for you that you tried.)

LOL. Good that I didnt put 15 mins for actual reply since you didnt put any effort. Hopefully no one else will.

Well, I'm just looking for advice on what strand of thought to pursue/general weight of the content. Not a critical analysis of the writing.

[JustDude]

LOL is that the actual thing you gonna send???? LOL!! Well, not to be a giant douche, so I will stop here.

Did I say that's the actual thing I'm "gonna send?" Certainly not.
THAT is a "I spent 15 minutes to make a very rough outline/draft just to get a general idea" sort of draft. Where'd you get the idea that that is what I'm going to SEND?
(Though, of course, the you not being a giant douche thing is impossible to achieve, but good for you that you tried.)

LOL. Good that I didnt put 15 mins for actual reply since you didnt put any effort. Hopefully no one else will.

Well, I'm just looking for advice on what strand of thought to pursue/general weight of the content. Not a critical analysis of the writing.

Sure. Cool. No one said yu are bad.

[Tifoso]

Throw this out and write a new one that is actually about you, not just vague commentary on global and domestic economic inequality and how that is related to "development". This is lame, but with your background you can write a really powerful one.

[applepiecrust]

Throw this out and write a new one that is actually about you, not just vague commentary on global and domestic economic inequality and how that is related to "development". This is lame, but with your background you can write a really powerful one.

Thanks. I just freeze up when trying to write about myself (unsurprising, since all the writing we're ever required to do is not about ourselves).