First Draft of a PS

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
GettingReady2010
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Re: First Draft of a PS

Postby GettingReady2010 » Fri Jul 23, 2010 6:10 pm

I agree with those of you that have mentioned how OP comes off as "robotic." With that said, I think a lot of the personal statements on TLS are FAR too dramatic or bubbly (and the worst is the sob story PS). If I was an adcomm, those types of PSs would make me feel like I was being manipulated. OP needs to let his personality shine through and that's it.

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Nulli Secundus
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Re: First Draft of a PS

Postby Nulli Secundus » Thu Jul 29, 2010 4:55 am

Ok this is the first page of a new try; tell me if its worth expanding on or not. Thanks in advance!

I was eight years old when I broke four of my upper front teeth; the scene where I am crying in a pool of my own blood on the stairs of my primary school is still vivid in my memory. News only got better after that, since I was informed by my dentist that I would only be able to get my teeth fixed when my chin bone development is complete at the age of sixteen. For eight years, including junior high school where kids grow into teens and notions like image and fitting into society is introduced into our lives adding an unneeded layer of complexity, I lived with mangled upper front teeth. Suffice to say, it did not help with making friends. Normally, stories like this continue with the socially frustrated individual finding another area to focus like his school and achieving remarkable success; yet in my situation that particular feat did not need much effort at all; causing the problem that still haunts me to this very day, boredom being a immovable fixture in my life. After getting my teeth fixed and maybe due to that or the increasing maturity level of my friends allowing them to judge individuals by other criteria, my social life, on life support until then, suddenly came out of coma in high school; however that did nothing to fix the fundamental problem causing the boredom, namely lack of a true challenge.

Shortly after graduation, passing a three stage examination based elimination, I got a job at Turkish Court of Accounts (the theoretical equivalent of Government Accountability Office) hoping to find the challenge that eluded me for the entirety of my school life. However, with five years of work experience behind me, I now know for certain a fact about Turkish public sector: The work load is determined for the lowest common denominator, leaving anyone above terribly bored. I love the essence of my job, treating each audit assignment as a new case, determining facts of the case and which laws apply to that specific case, interpreting the laws to prepare my report and all that, but due to light workload and consequent low level of challenge presented by the job, the initial objective; that is beating the boredom beast is not met, hence I need to find a job satisfying my desire or rather need, for challenge and I need to do it while I can still realistically do something about it instead of letting the problem fester in my subconscious until my eventual mid-life crisis only to have it come bobbing back to the surface then, without a solution and as a perfect reason for further depression. As mentioned, I love the essence of my job and I noticed that at a very basic level, case study method of law school and practice of law means focusing on what I love, without irritating details and reputedly presenting a challenge level that will satisfy my need.
Last edited by Nulli Secundus on Thu Jul 29, 2010 11:40 am, edited 1 time in total.

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merichard87
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Re: First Draft of a PS

Postby merichard87 » Thu Jul 29, 2010 6:56 am

What is the point is talking about your teeth when the whole statement you were trying to make in that paragraph was about how smart you were and how you needed a challenge?

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Nulli Secundus
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Re: First Draft of a PS

Postby Nulli Secundus » Thu Jul 29, 2010 11:21 am

Feeble attempt at attention grab & twist.

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merichard87
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Re: First Draft of a PS

Postby merichard87 » Thu Jul 29, 2010 11:24 am

Fail.

I get that you are trying to indicate your view that the top schools have better students thus a higher intellectual challenge but you need to find a less douchey way to convey that thought.

ert335
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Re: First Draft of a PS

Postby ert335 » Thu Jul 29, 2010 11:30 am

what's the protocol on talking about your goals and aspirations for law school and your career? would you express them as saying "I will do xx, yy, zz..." or saying "I plan on doing xx, yy, zz..." I feel like if someone were to say "I will...," the adcomms would be like, how can you guarantee that.... And if someone were to say "I plan on...," they would be like, yea you plan on it, good for you... come back to me when you do it

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Barbie
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Re: First Draft of a PS

Postby Barbie » Thu Jul 29, 2010 12:05 pm

I guess it isn't really the way you are saying it (although some of the best advice I've ever been given as a writing major is a long sentence, especially followed by another long sentence, is a no-no) but more what you are saying. I think you would be better off finding something more meaningful to say and convey in your statement. I wonder if there is simply no way for you to make the point you are trying to without sounding pompous and conceited. I am not trying to bash, but simply help. There has to be something else you could write about that you could at least give a try?

ert335
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Re: First Draft of a PS

Postby ert335 » Thu Jul 29, 2010 12:15 pm

i was definitely thinking that it's hard to say that stuff without sounding pompous and conceited. it's in the closing paragraph, so it's not the basis of my PS...

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Barbie
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Re: First Draft of a PS

Postby Barbie » Thu Jul 29, 2010 12:17 pm

ert335 wrote:i was definitely thinking that it's hard to say that stuff without sounding pompous and conceited. it's in the closing paragraph, so it's not the basis of my PS...


i'm confused. are you the OP?

ert335
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Re: First Draft of a PS

Postby ert335 » Thu Jul 29, 2010 12:18 pm

haha no, but i do have a first draft of a PS and i just decided to not make my own post....

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ArchRoark
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Re: First Draft of a PS

Postby ArchRoark » Thu Jul 29, 2010 12:40 pm

yet in my situation that particular feat did not need much effort at all; causing the problem that still haunts me to this very day, boredom being a immovable fixture in my life.


I am going to have to agree with the others posters. The way you word/write it now you come off with a haughty air of superiority. It reads to me like "My teeth got knocked out,,, wow that sucks but I am a baller and it didn't phase me. I am better then other people and have yet to be challenged in my life *hard to believe. I am bored, hence, I need to get into law school so that I can find my intellectual match"

causing the boredom, namely lack of a true challenge.


This still doesn't speak to 'Why law school?'. Not that I necessarily think you have to address that in your PS, but you seem to be writing to that goal. There is a million things in life that could fulfill that criteria.

Not to sound trite or cliche, but I was told awhile ago, that there is no such thing as boredom. Just boring people.

Also, your sentence structure is awkward to me (take this with a grain of salt, I am bad at giving advice on others people work). For example,
only be able to get my teeth fixed when my chin bone development is complete at the age of sixteen. For eight years, including junior high school where kids grow into teens and notions like image and fitting into society is introduced into our lives adding an unneeded layer of complexity, I lived with mangled upper front teeth.


There has to be a way where you can shorten that. It seems long-winded to me. I don't meant to come off as harsh. This is just how I feel when I read your statement.

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esq
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Re: First Draft of a PS

Postby esq » Thu Jul 29, 2010 2:24 pm

I've got to agree with Tiva on this one OP. In fact, I would take it a step further than just saying that you come off as a pompous wanna be baller, and say that this statement might raise some concerns about your ability to succeed as an attorney. With statements like: "boredom being a immovable fixture in my life," and a PS dedicated to proving how you have never really found anything that "challenges" you, I think that adcomms might read it and think that nothing really interests you, and that in the long run, law will not satisfy you either - its not like the field of law is known for its excitement and high job satisfaction. I actually think that your statements are regressing. Maybe you should simply mail the adcomm's a copy of the Rolling Stones' I Can't Get No Satisfaction. I think it would be just as effective.

hoping to find the challenge that eluded me for the entirety of my school life


Just a side note, I think that most people have found at least their college educational experience quite satisfying, which is why I find it interesting that you didn't. Maybe it's because I participated in a degree that pushed me to create my own challenges (as a history student you were either the status quo or you took your time to do quality research - how far above the bar you wanted to take this was up to you), but I found my experience to be very fulfilling because I pushed myself. So in spite of the challenges or lack there of, I always thought that it was up to the individual student to push him or herself at the undergrad level. I suspect the same will be true in law school.

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ShuckingNotJiving
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Re: First Draft of a PS

Postby ShuckingNotJiving » Thu Jul 29, 2010 2:27 pm

I was eight years old when I broke four of my upper front teeth; the scene where I am crying in a pool of my own blood on the stairs of my primary school is still vivid in my memory.

Oh, you.


That portion of the sentence should be something like "I still remember crying." The way you've written it now makes it seems like there was a movie made of the event that has scenes you remember vividly. Yes, I know your life story would be a film, not a movie, I apologize.


Okay, Nullisencundus, I don't hate the story you introduce the essay with, it actually gives you a bit of heart. The problem is you're not really connect it to anything relevant. You go from having your teeth broken, to not making friends, to making friends, to your job.

Here's a connection you could make:

You lacked friends (because of your teeth? sure go with that one) You strove for friends because that's what you thought you wanted. You finally achieved friends. You realized it wasn't what interested you.

You lacked a job. You strove for success in TCA because you thought that's what you wanted. You finally achieved success in TCA. You realized it wasn't what interested you.

Pro:
It's an analogy, albeit a bad one.
Cons:
As ESQ pointed out, Adcomms might wary of accepting you, thinking that you'll follow the same formula if you go to law school.
It's an analogy, albeit a bad one.

Also,

The work load is determined for the lowest common denominator, leaving anyone above terribly bored. I love the essence of my job, treating each audit assignment as a new case, determining facts of the case and which laws apply to that specific case, interpreting the laws to prepare my report and all that,


None of that.

Overall, I would say you're kind-of sort of getting, somewhere ....maybe?

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Nulli Secundus
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Re: First Draft of a PS

Postby Nulli Secundus » Thu Aug 12, 2010 3:09 am

Ok another draft, some additions, major removal of douchebaggery and no conclusion yet. Flame away!

I was eight years old when I broke four of my upper front teeth; my most vivid memory of this event that left me with mangled teeth until I was 16 years old due to the need to wait for my chin development to be complete is crying in a pool of my own blood, on the stairs of my primary school. Image matters very little during primary school, but the “teeth problem” came back to haunt me during junior high and it did not help with making friends, where being similar to everyone else is important for acceptance. I made my first real friends at the end of junior high, also rejects themselves because of their different interests; namely Dungeons & Dragons. Playing Dungeons & Dragons as a Turkish high school student not only is incomprehensible by your other peers but also pretty much confines you to the home of one your group; because in my country, if you suddenly stand up in a café, shout “Helm, give me strength!” and declare you hit the guy with your mace and proceed to roll a dice that does not look like anything people ever have seen; at the very least your sanity is questioned (or you might receive a real life unarmed attack in turn).

I stopped playing D&D with college, mainly because I moved to a different city, which also coincided with an improvement with the level of my social interactions, but noticed that D&D had been useful in at least one regard, namely English skills. While poring over rulebooks written in small sized fonts trying to understand what the chance of a projectile launched into a melee fight hitting my ally is, etc; I actually improved my English to a level pretty much impossible to attain via only Turkish education system. This indeed was useful, since every public sector exam for recruitment has an English part, my extraordinary success in which made being recruited as an auditor for Turkish Court of Accounts, theoretical equivalent of Government Accountability Office, easy.

However, with six years of work experience behind me, I now know for certain a fact about Turkish public sector: The work load is determined for the lowest common denominator, leaving anyone above terribly bored. Since there is no real concept of a graduate school in Turkey, if I were to switch to private sector now, I would be back at square one, competing with 22 year olds fresh out of college. The essence of my job, regularity audit, entails determining the laws, and in cases of conflict between regulations, the underlying principles that apply to facts of a case, which, at a basic level, is very closely related to the case method approach; and as such, among the possible solutions, a law school education and subsequent practice of law would be the easiest to adapt to.

When I shared my plans with my friends and family, they objected citing numerous reasons why this was a bad idea from the huge risk I would be taking to how it is too late for such a move. I do not think that it is too late, while I might indeed be a non-traditional applicant as common classifications go, I used the past 6 years gaining valuable work experience and attending international audit conferences; also, as late as it may be, I believe it is still early enough to handle the problem, as opposed to doing nothing and letting it fester in my subconscious, only to have it come bobbing back to the surface in another 10-15 years during my mid-life crisis in the form of a lamentation: “I wasted my life, I could have done so much more with my potential”, without a possible solution by then. As for the risk, the best I can do to mitigate that, especially under the current economic conditions, is to try to gain admission to the best law school I can, which is why I am applying only to X Law School.

CanadianWolf
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Re: First Draft of a PS

Postby CanadianWolf » Thu Aug 12, 2010 9:58 am

Why are so many posters applying to "X Law School" ?

This is not a good essay for a law school applicant. Try to set out a major theme in your first paragraph that is supported by the succeeding paragraphs & rephrased in the concluding paragraph. Try a basic five paragraph structure that sticks to one main theme &, if appropriate, one secondary theme. At the very least this should show clarity of thought by its logical progression.
A typical theme used by many law school applicants is "Why law school ?". As it is, your current personal statement shares no compelling reason for you to be admitted to any law school, although I am unfamiliar with "X Law School".

CanadianWolf
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Re: First Draft of a PS

Postby CanadianWolf » Thu Aug 12, 2010 10:49 am

An example of a basic 5 paragraph structure:

Intro. paragraph: I want to attend law school for reasons A, B & C.
Next paragraph: Discuss reason A for wanting to attend law school.
Third paragraph: Discuss reason B.
Fourth paragraph: Discuss reason C.
Concluding paragraph: Restate why reasons A, B & C support your desire to attend law school.

Another way that the basic 5 paragraph essay is often explained:
Tell them what you are going to tell them. (First paragraph).
Tell them. (Next three paragraphs).
Tell them what you just told them. (Final paragraph).

lebroniousjames
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Re: First Draft of a PS

Postby lebroniousjames » Thu Aug 12, 2010 11:10 am

esq wrote:I've got to agree with Tiva on this one OP. In fact, I would take it a step further than just saying that you come off as a pompous wanna be baller, and say that this statement might raise some concerns about your ability to succeed as an attorney. With statements like: "boredom being a immovable fixture in my life," and a PS dedicated to proving how you have never really found anything that "challenges" you, I think that adcomms might read it and think that nothing really interests you, and that in the long run, law will not satisfy you either - its not like the field of law is known for its excitement and high job satisfaction. I actually think that your statements are regressing. Maybe you should simply mail the adcomm's a copy of the Rolling Stones' I Can't Get No Satisfaction. I think it would be just as effective.

hoping to find the challenge that eluded me for the entirety of my school life


Just a side note, I think that most people have found at least their college educational experience quite satisfying, which is why I find it interesting that you didn't. Maybe it's because I participated in a degree that pushed me to create my own challenges (as a history student you were either the status quo or you took your time to do quality research - how far above the bar you wanted to take this was up to you), but I found my experience to be very fulfilling because I pushed myself. So in spite of the challenges or lack there of, I always thought that it was up to the individual student to push him or herself at the undergrad level. I suspect the same will be true in law school.



*good post. Unless OP has a 3.8+ 175+, I don't think the whole "I have never been pushed to fulfill my potential angle" even stands on its feet. Even then, I think the concept is kind of obnoxious and off-putting--as it was mentioned, many people enjoyed their academic experience, and I'd put my money on a bet that an adcom working in higher education likely fell in that category. OP alientates him/herself as the drifter looking for fulfillment through a vessel (LS) he/she knows very little about. The attempt at some semblance of candor isn't effective. Toss it

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Nulli Secundus
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Re: First Draft of a PS

Postby Nulli Secundus » Thu Aug 12, 2010 11:37 am

Posting replies to posts related to former versions of my PS is akin to thread necromancy, it will just confuse people genuinely willing to help. Have you even read the last version?

lebroniousjames
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Re: First Draft of a PS

Postby lebroniousjames » Thu Aug 12, 2010 1:48 pm

is that a rhetorical question/did I just get a TLS point demerit?

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Re: First Draft of a PS

Postby lebroniousjames » Thu Aug 12, 2010 2:11 pm

nullisecundus wrote:Ok another draft, some additions, major removal of douchebaggery and no conclusion yet. Flame away!

I was eight years old when I broke four of my upper front teeth; my most vivid memory of this event that left me with mangled teeth until I was 16 years old due to the need to wait for my chin development to be complete is crying in a pool of my own blood, on the stairs of my primary school. Image matters very little during primary school, but the “teeth problem” came back to haunt me during junior high and it did not help with making friends, where being similar to everyone else is important for acceptance. I made my first real friends at the end of junior high, also rejects themselves because of their different interests; namely Dungeons & Dragons. Playing Dungeons & Dragons as a Turkish high school student not only is incomprehensible by your other peers but also pretty much confines you to the home of one your group; because in my country, if you suddenly stand up in a café, shout “Helm, give me strength!” and declare you hit the guy with your mace and proceed to roll a dice that does not look like anything people ever have seen; at the very least your sanity is questioned (or you might receive a real life unarmed attack in turn).

I stopped playing D&D with college, mainly because I moved to a different city, which also coincided with an improvement with the level of my social interactions, but noticed that D&D had been useful in at least one regard, namely English skills. While poring over rulebooks written in small sized fonts trying to understand what the chance of a projectile launched into a melee fight hitting my ally is, etc; I actually improved my English to a level pretty much impossible to attain via only Turkish education system. This indeed was useful, since every public sector exam for recruitment has an English part, my extraordinary success in which made being recruited as an auditor for Turkish Court of Accounts, theoretical equivalent of Government Accountability Office, easy.

However, with six years of work experience behind me, I now know for certain a fact about Turkish public sector: The work load is determined for the lowest common denominator, leaving anyone above terribly bored. Since there is no real concept of a graduate school in Turkey, if I were to switch to private sector now, I would be back at square one, competing with 22 year olds fresh out of college. The essence of my job, regularity audit, entails determining the laws, and in cases of conflict between regulations, the underlying principles that apply to facts of a case, which, at a basic level, is very closely related to the case method approach; and as such, among the possible solutions, a law school education and subsequent practice of law would be the easiest to adapt to.

When I shared my plans with my friends and family, they objected citing numerous reasons why this was a bad idea from the huge risk I would be taking to how it is too late for such a move. I do not think that it is too late, while I might indeed be a non-traditional applicant as common classifications go, I used the past 6 years gaining valuable work experience and attending international audit conferences; also, as late as it may be, I believe it is still early enough to handle the problem, as opposed to doing nothing and letting it fester in my subconscious, only to have it come bobbing back to the surface in another 10-15 years during my mid-life crisis in the form of a lamentation: “I wasted my life, I could have done so much more with my potential”, without a possible solution by then. As for the risk, the best I can do to mitigate that, especially under the current economic conditions, is to try to gain admission to the best law school I can, which is why I am applying only to X Law School.


I genuinely think you could approach this differently. First, no D and D. It's weird and you don't manage to pull off the quirky but interesting angle.

also, fix this: I do not think that it is too late, while I might indeed be a non-traditional applicant as common classifications go, I used the past 6 years gaining valuable work experience and attending international audit conferences

next, your reason(s) for going to law school shouldn't hinge on a fear of a mid-life crisis

I also think there is a better way to say that you want to go to a school than "If I go to X, I don't think I'll be screwed with debt when I graduate; therefore, I want to go to X"

considering your interesting background, perhaps you could do some research on the student profiles schools often put on their sites showcasing one or more of their golden diversity guys/gals--maybe draw some comparison to what you yourself would bring in terms of an addition to the class.

in general, try to throw something in at the end showing a more than generic interest in the particular school.

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ArchRoark
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Re: First Draft of a PS

Postby ArchRoark » Thu Aug 12, 2010 2:48 pm

nullisecundus wrote:I was eight years old when I broke four of my upper front teeth; my most vivid memory of this event that left me with mangled teeth until I was 16 years old due to the need to wait for my chin development to be complete is crying in a pool of my own blood, on the stairs of my primary school.


Prob the most long-winded introduction I have read in any PS.

nullisecundus wrote: (or you might receive a real life unarmed attack in turn).

I don't think PS are place to use parenthesis... seems way to informal.

nullisecundus wrote:I stopped playing D&D with college,

with ---> in

nullisecundus wrote: ...etc;...

I don't think etc should be used in PS either.

nullisecundus wrote:also rejects themselves because of their different interests

IMHO this speaks for your need for external validation... why cast your friendship/friends in such a negative tone. Perhaps they didn't feel like rejects... and even if they did -- it comes off as if you have a very low self esteem.

nullisecundus wrote:to a level pretty much impossible to attain

to a level difficult to attain

nullisecundus wrote:The work load is determined for the lowest common denominator, leaving anyone above terribly bored.

This comes off as pretentious.

nullisecundus wrote:only to have it come bobbing back to the surface in another 10-15 years during my mid-life crisis in the form of a lamentation: “I wasted my life, I could have done so much more with my potential”


First change 10-15 to decade... then you assume that A) you will have a mid life crisis and B) that not pursuing this chosen goal will inevitably lead to you believing you wasted your life. Both are not a given. To me you come off as whiny person without a sense of true purpose. Either think long and hard on WHY you want to attend law school and enumerate those reasons clearly and concisely or don't write to that end. Merely saying, I want to go because it will be a challenge (almost as bad as, "I have always wanted to be a lawyer") and I am bored is bad idea imho.

Those aside (prob others, just glaring ones that jumped out at me) I feel as if you are regressing. I personally don't care much for the subject matter and frankly don't understand what you are trying to get across to the reader. Think long and hard about what is it that you want the reader to know about you. Basically what I get from your story is, You had a traumatic event when you were a kid, you were a social outcast, you played DD, DD helped you learn english. You are bored at your job. You want to go to LS. It seems disjointed. How about writing about your difficulty and eventual mastery of the English language?

In the end you talk about how family/friends don't support your desire to attend law school "citing numerous reasons" yet you do not attempt to discount any of them other then by saying "I do not think its too late" and then touching on possible future regret of not pursuing this goal. IMHO either cite some of their concerns and then attempt to discount them (I am not sold on this approach) or just don't mention them.

Another, suggestion... you talk about being recruited to the Turkish office as easy... why discount your own achievement. You make it sound like,,, ohh all I needed to know was English. If it was so easy, why mention it? If it wasn't easy, don't discount the achievement.

My suggestion... write about your difficulty learning the english language, how that helped you acquire your job at the Turkish Court, describe one case/assignment in detail, how you felt, how you overcame any difficulties, how you took a commanding lead, how you made a DIFFERENCE -- link that into your desire to pursue law and leave out all the crap about not feeling challenged, friends/family dissenting, midlife crisis, and such.

In the end, I read your statement and I don't like the image you portray yourself as. You come off to me as whiny, insecure with your identity, and without a true purpose. Almost as if you are just going through the motions for the mere sake of it.

Did you really play D&D at cafes? Doesn't D&D have some monstrosity of a game board?

I hope you don't think I am trying to be rude, this just how I felt when I read your statement. Take all my advice with a grain of salt, I hate critiquing other peoples work. Good luck with your cycle and future revisions and definitely get more opinions on this. Perhaps I am outlier and am way off base.

lebroniousjames
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Re: First Draft of a PS

Postby lebroniousjames » Thu Aug 12, 2010 3:33 pm

Tiva wrote:
nullisecundus wrote:I was eight years old when I broke four of my upper front teeth; my most vivid memory of this event that left me with mangled teeth until I was 16 years old due to the need to wait for my chin development to be complete is crying in a pool of my own blood, on the stairs of my primary school.


Prob the most long-winded introduction I have read in any PS.

nullisecundus wrote: (or you might receive a real life unarmed attack in turn).

I don't think PS are place to use parenthesis... seems way to informal.

nullisecundus wrote:I stopped playing D&D with college,

with ---> in

nullisecundus wrote: ...etc;...

I don't think etc should be used in PS either.

nullisecundus wrote:also rejects themselves because of their different interests

IMHO this speaks for your need for external validation... why cast your friendship/friends in such a negative tone. Perhaps they didn't feel like rejects... and even if they did -- it comes off as if you have a very low self esteem.

nullisecundus wrote:to a level pretty much impossible to attain

to a level difficult to attain

nullisecundus wrote:The work load is determined for the lowest common denominator, leaving anyone above terribly bored.

This comes off as pretentious.

nullisecundus wrote:only to have it come bobbing back to the surface in another 10-15 years during my mid-life crisis in the form of a lamentation: “I wasted my life, I could have done so much more with my potential”


First change 10-15 to decade... then you assume that A) you will have a mid life crisis and B) that not pursuing this chosen goal will inevitably lead to you believing you wasted your life. Both are not a given. To me you come off as whiny person without a sense of true purpose. Either think long and hard on WHY you want to attend law school and enumerate those reasons clearly and concisely or don't write to that end. Merely saying, I want to go because it will be a challenge (almost as bad as, "I have always wanted to be a lawyer") and I am bored is bad idea imho.

Those aside (prob others, just glaring ones that jumped out at me) I feel as if you are regressing. I personally don't care much for the subject matter and frankly don't understand what you are trying to get across to the reader. Think long and hard about what is it that you want the reader to know about you. Basically what I get from your story is, You had a traumatic event when you were a kid, you were a social outcast, you played DD, DD helped you learn english. You are bored at your job. You want to go to LS. It seems disjointed. How about writing about your difficulty and eventual mastery of the English language?

In the end you talk about how family/friends don't support your desire to attend law school "citing numerous reasons" yet you do not attempt to discount any of them other then by saying "I do not think its too late" and then touching on possible future regret of not pursuing this goal. IMHO either cite some of their concerns and then attempt to discount them (I am not sold on this approach) or just don't mention them.

Another, suggestion... you talk about being recruited to the Turkish office as easy... why discount your own achievement. You make it sound like,,, ohh all I needed to know was English. If it was so easy, why mention it? If it wasn't easy, don't discount the achievement.

My suggestion... write about your difficulty learning the english language, how that helped you acquire your job at the Turkish Court, describe one case/assignment in detail, how you felt, how you overcame any difficulties, how you took a commanding lead, how you made a DIFFERENCE -- link that into your desire to pursue law and leave out all the crap about not feeling challenged, friends/family dissenting, midlife crisis, and such.

In the end, I read your statement and I don't like the image you portray yourself as. You come off to me as whiny, insecure with your identity, and without a true purpose. Almost as if you are just going through the motions for the mere sake of it.

Did you really play D&D at cafes? Doesn't D&D have some monstrosity of a game board?

I hope you don't think I am trying to be rude, this just how I felt when I read your statement. Take all my advice with a grain of salt, I hate critiquing other peoples work. Good luck with your cycle and future revisions and definitely get more opinions on this. Perhaps I am outlier and am way off base.



+1, OP should utilize this input

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Hipster but Athletic
Posts: 1993
Joined: Mon Sep 23, 2013 2:15 pm

Re: First Draft of a PS

Postby Hipster but Athletic » Wed Jun 11, 2014 3:00 am

Nulli Secundus wrote:This is another version I started, not yet finished but I am taking suggestions now so that I know whether this is worth working more on or not.

July 21st, 2010, Wednesday, 11:42 am. 48% of the work week is complete. While seeing a week as if it is something like an installation bar on the computer, complete with percentages, is nothing unusual for me; this time I actually stopped to consider what I was doing. I realized I started seeing weekends as mini-objectives to reach just shortly after getting this job and ceteris paribus, I had 1886 more weeks to do that until retirement. I realize my problem is not unique, a recent research shows that 65% of people think their jobs are below their capacity and hence, boring. I figured to be somewhat unique within that majority, I needed to actually address the problem of finding a job that will both keep me sufficiently interested, in line with my potential and preferably doing this as soon as possible; instead of letting the problem fester in my subconscious for another fifteen years, only to come bobbing back to surface during my mid-life crisis, in the form of “I could have accomplished so much more, I wasted my life...”.

In my case, making this resolution worth more than a new year’s resolution, a subclass of resolutions which are notorious for never being acted upon, seemed quite hard; since the alternatives were not exactly clear. Regardless of my thoughts about its relative challenge level compared to perceived potential, my job as an auditor at Turkish Court of Accounts, which is the theoretical equivalent of Government Accountability Office is considered as among the best as far as being a civil servant in Turkey goes. As for private sector in Turkey, since there is no concept of graduate school in Turkey, I would be expected to start from scratch for more working hours and considerably less compensation and considering when you decide to alter the trajectory of your life, that change is expected to be positive; it was not really an option.

Regardless of this initial setback, my options, if any, would have to be among those that rely heavily upon my current skill set, that I acquired working as an auditor and otherwise. Working as an auditor, the most important skill I gained and what constituted the only fun part of the job, was quickly analyzing facts of a case and deducing which of the myriad laws and regulations of Turkey applied to that particular case and how the interactions between various, usually conflicting, regulations affected my report regarding the case. Which is, hopefully except the conflicting regulations part, what is expected of one, on a very basic level, in a law school education and a law career later on.

I decided that having honed this skill compensates for approximately four years I would be losing compared to a normal student starting law school with some work experience. However, changing one’s country and incurring a (from where I am standing) humongous amount of educational debt at this age and in this economy are great risks, the risks I am willing to take only if I receive the JD degree from one of the best law schools; which is why I am applying only to X Law School.

I see graduate school, specifically law school as a very viable way of resetting my career and also if it lives up to the hype, for hopefully having the pleasure of sharing the classroom with genuinely competitive and similarly gifted individuals, a pleasure I have been denied thus far. And considering a 95th percentile LSAT score qualifies one for a MENSA membership, I believe I will find all the competition I will ever need and more at X Law School, which will only increase my focus and determination as has always been the case.

Quoting so future generations can admire this beauty.

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McAvoy
Posts: 1584
Joined: Sun Oct 20, 2013 10:33 pm

Re: First Draft of a PS

Postby McAvoy » Wed Jun 11, 2014 10:50 am

Hipster but Athletic wrote:
Nulli Secundus wrote:This is another version I started, not yet finished but I am taking suggestions now so that I know whether this is worth working more on or not.

July 21st, 2010, Wednesday, 11:42 am. 48% of the work week is complete. While seeing a week as if it is something like an installation bar on the computer, complete with percentages, is nothing unusual for me; this time I actually stopped to consider what I was doing. I realized I started seeing weekends as mini-objectives to reach just shortly after getting this job and ceteris paribus, I had 1886 more weeks to do that until retirement. I realize my problem is not unique, a recent research shows that 65% of people think their jobs are below their capacity and hence, boring. I figured to be somewhat unique within that majority, I needed to actually address the problem of finding a job that will both keep me sufficiently interested, in line with my potential and preferably doing this as soon as possible; instead of letting the problem fester in my subconscious for another fifteen years, only to come bobbing back to surface during my mid-life crisis, in the form of “I could have accomplished so much more, I wasted my life...”.

In my case, making this resolution worth more than a new year’s resolution, a subclass of resolutions which are notorious for never being acted upon, seemed quite hard; since the alternatives were not exactly clear. Regardless of my thoughts about its relative challenge level compared to perceived potential, my job as an auditor at Turkish Court of Accounts, which is the theoretical equivalent of Government Accountability Office is considered as among the best as far as being a civil servant in Turkey goes. As for private sector in Turkey, since there is no concept of graduate school in Turkey, I would be expected to start from scratch for more working hours and considerably less compensation and considering when you decide to alter the trajectory of your life, that change is expected to be positive; it was not really an option.

Regardless of this initial setback, my options, if any, would have to be among those that rely heavily upon my current skill set, that I acquired working as an auditor and otherwise. Working as an auditor, the most important skill I gained and what constituted the only fun part of the job, was quickly analyzing facts of a case and deducing which of the myriad laws and regulations of Turkey applied to that particular case and how the interactions between various, usually conflicting, regulations affected my report regarding the case. Which is, hopefully except the conflicting regulations part, what is expected of one, on a very basic level, in a law school education and a law career later on.

I decided that having honed this skill compensates for approximately four years I would be losing compared to a normal student starting law school with some work experience. However, changing one’s country and incurring a (from where I am standing) humongous amount of educational debt at this age and in this economy are great risks, the risks I am willing to take only if I receive the JD degree from one of the best law schools; which is why I am applying only to X Law School.

I see graduate school, specifically law school as a very viable way of resetting my career and also if it lives up to the hype, for hopefully having the pleasure of sharing the classroom with genuinely competitive and similarly gifted individuals, a pleasure I have been denied thus far. And considering a 95th percentile LSAT score qualifies one for a MENSA membership, I believe I will find all the competition I will ever need and more at X Law School, which will only increase my focus and determination as has always been the case.

Quoting so future generations can admire this beauty.

That really brightened my morning. Thanks HbA.

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El Pollito
party fowl
Posts: 17901
Joined: Tue Jul 16, 2013 2:11 pm

Re: First Draft of a PS

Postby El Pollito » Wed Jun 11, 2014 12:23 pm

Will_McAvoy wrote:
Hipster but Athletic wrote:
Nulli Secundus wrote:This is another version I started, not yet finished but I am taking suggestions now so that I know whether this is worth working more on or not.

July 21st, 2010, Wednesday, 11:42 am. 48% of the work week is complete. While seeing a week as if it is something like an installation bar on the computer, complete with percentages, is nothing unusual for me; this time I actually stopped to consider what I was doing. I realized I started seeing weekends as mini-objectives to reach just shortly after getting this job and ceteris paribus, I had 1886 more weeks to do that until retirement. I realize my problem is not unique, a recent research shows that 65% of people think their jobs are below their capacity and hence, boring. I figured to be somewhat unique within that majority, I needed to actually address the problem of finding a job that will both keep me sufficiently interested, in line with my potential and preferably doing this as soon as possible; instead of letting the problem fester in my subconscious for another fifteen years, only to come bobbing back to surface during my mid-life crisis, in the form of “I could have accomplished so much more, I wasted my life...”.

In my case, making this resolution worth more than a new year’s resolution, a subclass of resolutions which are notorious for never being acted upon, seemed quite hard; since the alternatives were not exactly clear. Regardless of my thoughts about its relative challenge level compared to perceived potential, my job as an auditor at Turkish Court of Accounts, which is the theoretical equivalent of Government Accountability Office is considered as among the best as far as being a civil servant in Turkey goes. As for private sector in Turkey, since there is no concept of graduate school in Turkey, I would be expected to start from scratch for more working hours and considerably less compensation and considering when you decide to alter the trajectory of your life, that change is expected to be positive; it was not really an option.

Regardless of this initial setback, my options, if any, would have to be among those that rely heavily upon my current skill set, that I acquired working as an auditor and otherwise. Working as an auditor, the most important skill I gained and what constituted the only fun part of the job, was quickly analyzing facts of a case and deducing which of the myriad laws and regulations of Turkey applied to that particular case and how the interactions between various, usually conflicting, regulations affected my report regarding the case. Which is, hopefully except the conflicting regulations part, what is expected of one, on a very basic level, in a law school education and a law career later on.

I decided that having honed this skill compensates for approximately four years I would be losing compared to a normal student starting law school with some work experience. However, changing one’s country and incurring a (from where I am standing) humongous amount of educational debt at this age and in this economy are great risks, the risks I am willing to take only if I receive the JD degree from one of the best law schools; which is why I am applying only to X Law School.

I see graduate school, specifically law school as a very viable way of resetting my career and also if it lives up to the hype, for hopefully having the pleasure of sharing the classroom with genuinely competitive and similarly gifted individuals, a pleasure I have been denied thus far. And considering a 95th percentile LSAT score qualifies one for a MENSA membership, I believe I will find all the competition I will ever need and more at X Law School, which will only increase my focus and determination as has always been the case.

Quoting so future generations can admire this beauty.

That really brightened my morning. Thanks HbA.




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